Depression. Anxiety. Eating Disorders. Having Them All Is a Living Hell.
The thing about having depression, anxiety, or eating disorders is that we don't know where it comes from. All we know is that we need help, but at the same time we don't tell anyone about what's going on, because we think we are bothering people while telling them about our problems, we feel like they won't understand, or maybe they'll think we're just looking for attention. But all we're looking for is someone who cares, who actually cares, 'cause at some point we stop caring about ourselves. Once you've hit rock bottom, once you don't know what to do, once you feel so lonely and lost, you need to force yourself and ask for help, because you have to realize it's not going to get better unless you work for it. As stupid as it sounds, we can't really do it by ourselves, because that's the exact moment when everything hits us again. That's when one of those problems interferes with what we are currently fighting for and what we want to achieve. This may sound so messed up, and believe me, if you're not going through any of these things it will sound like it, but it's even worse. So find someone you trust and don't doubt about asking them for help, 'cause you need this, and we need this.
I need this.
This whole year has been so overwhelming for me. I've experienced so many things, new things, good and bad ones. Being apart from my family and friends has been one of the reasons I feel this way, even though I have new friends here. But it's like it hit me all at once. Some days I feel good, like I can do this, like it's getting better. Then the bad days come and it honestly feels like hell. I've never been depressed before. I'm not saing I didn't have moments when I was feeling sad. But depressed? Never. Now, I have days I can't even get out of bed. I have days I can't stop crying, and I don't even know why I'm crying in the first place. I have this feeling like everything is falling apart and I can't do anything about it. I had a panic attack when I was like 14, because that was a rough year for me. I think that's when it all started — me being shy, keeping things to myself, not trusting the people around me. It's hard, you know, even doing the little things like buying something at the grocery store, or talking to people. I struggle with those things everyday, but no one notices it. Some of you may think I'm overreacting, 'cause I have my moments, just like everyone else. I have moments when I can be really honest. If I have something to say to you, I will. I won't hold it back. But most of the time I keep it to myself. Most of the time I pretend I don't care. So if I keep my mouth shut, that's when you need to know you really hurt me. Lack of appetite. Yeah, I've never eaten that much, but this last couple of months I can say I haven't at all. I can barely eat. It's not that I'm not hungry, because I am, most of the time. I don't really know what it is. I just can't, unless someone is there with me.
I know how this sounds. I know it's bad, really bad, and it scares me, so that's why I'm here right now, writing this to you, whoever is reading. Because I need your help. I thought I was getting better, but I'm not. I'm still trying, though. Today, I hit rock bottom, again, and I decided I can't keep this to myself anymore. I decided I need to get better. I need to start now. I don't need your pity. I need you to understand how hard it is for me to just sit and write this, so no, I don't need you to feel sorry for me, I need your help. But only if you really care.
If you're going through something like this, just ask for help. I know it's hard, and I know how it feels, but just do it, and if you can't, then force yourself, because this is the only way you can get better. And if you know someone who's going through this, even if they don't talk about it, just try to help. It's not easy to tell who's having troubles, because we can fake it pretty well to the point where you end up thinking we're having the time of our lives, but the truth is, this is all a facade, so help.
Take a step at a time, trust yourself, because it will get better.
Breathe, E.