Admirable painter MADAME MARY DEVITO is arguing with brave computer programmer MR MOHAMMAD CHEN. MARY tries to hug MOHAMMAD but he shakes her off.
MARY
Please Mohammad, don't leave me.
MOHAMMAD
I'm sorry Mary, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
MARY
I am such a person!
MOHAMMAD frowns.
MOHAMMAD
I'm sorry, Mary. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
MOHAMMAD leaves.
MARY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, smart hairdresser DCI JESSICA RAMSBOTTOM barges in looking flustered.
MARY
Goodness, Jessica! Is everything okay?
JESSICA
I'm afraid not.
MARY
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
JESSICA
It's ... a sea monster ... I saw an evil sea monster shoot a bunch of kittens!
MARY
Defenseless kittens?
JESSICA
Yes, defenseless kittens!
MARY
Bloomin' heck, Jessica! We've got to do something.
JESSICA
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
MARY
You can start by telling me where this happened.
JESSICA
I was...
JESSICA fans herself and begins to wheeze.
MARY
Focus Jessica, focus! Where did it happen?
JESSICA
Trafalgar Square, London! That's right - Trafalgar Square, London!
MARY springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
MARY rushes along the street, followed by JESSICA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
GREGORY BOGTROTTER a tight-fisted sea monster terrorises two kittens.
MARY, closely followed by JESSICA, rushes towards GREGORY, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
JESSICA
What is is? What's the matter?
MARY
That's not just any old sea monster, that's Gregory Bogtrotter!
JESSICA
Who's Gregory Bogtrotter?
MARY
Who's Gregory Bogtrotter? Who's Gregory Bogtrotter? Only the most tight-fisted sea monster in the universe!
JESSICA
Blinkin' knickers, Mary! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most tight-fisted sea monster in the universe!
MARY
You can say that again.
JESSICA
Blinkin' knickers, Mary! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most tight-fisted sea monster in the universe!
MARY
I'm going to need swords, lots of swords.
Gregory turns and sees Mary and Jessica. He grins an evil grin.
GREGORY
Mary DeVito, we meet again.
JESSICA
You've met?
MARY
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young MARY is sitting in a park listening to some R & B music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees GREGORY. She takes off her headphones.
GREGORY
Would you like some fruit gums?
MARY's eyes light up, but then he studies GREGORY more closely, and looks uneasy.
MARY
I don't know, you look kind of tight-fisted.
GREGORY
Me? No. I'm not tight-fisted. I'm the least tight-fisted sea monster in the world.
MARY
Wait, you're a sea monster?
MARY runs away, screaming.
EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
GREGORY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
JESSICA
(To MARY) You ran away?
MARY
(To JESSICA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
MARY turns to GREGORY.
MARY
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
MARY runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
MARY
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with swords.
GREGORY
I'm not scared of you.
MARY
You should be.
INT. A SWEET SHOP - LATER THAT DAY
MARY and JESSICA walk around searching for something.
MARY
I feel sure I left my swords somewhere around here.
JESSICA
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly swords.
MARY
You know nothing Jessica Ramsbottom.
JESSICA
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, GREGORY appears, holding a pair of swords.
GREGORY
Looking for something?
JESSICA
Crikey, Mary, he's got your swords.
MARY
Tell me something I don't already know!
JESSICA
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
MARY
I know that already!
JESSICA
I pick my nose and eat it.
GREGORY
(appalled) Dude!
While GREGORY is looking at JESSICA with disgust, MARY lunges forward and grabs her deadly swords. He wields them, triumphantly.
MARY
Prepare to die, you tight-fisted turnip!
GREGORY
No please! All I did was shoot a bunch of kittens!
MOHAMMAD enters, unseen by any of the others.
MARY
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Mary DeVito defender of innocent kittens.
GREGORY
Don't hurt me! Please!
MARY
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these swords on you right away!
GREGORY
Because Mary, I am your father.
MARY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
MARY
No you're not!
GREGORY
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
GREGORY tries to grab the swords but MARY dodges out of the way.
MARY
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, GREGORY slumps to the ground.
JESSICA
Did he just faint?
MARY
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly swords.
MARY crouches over GREGORY's body.
JESSICA
Be careful, Mary. It could be a trick.
MARY
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Gregory Bogtrotter is dead!
MARY
What?
MARY
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
JESSICA claps her hands.
JESSICA
So your swords did save the day, after all.
MOHAMMAD steps forward.
MOHAMMAD
Is it true? Did you kill the tight-fisted sea monster?
MARY
Mohammad how long have you been...?
MOHAMMAD puts his arm around MARY.
MOHAMMAD
Long enough.
MARY
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Gregory Bogtrotter.
MOHAMMAD
Then the kittens are safe?
MARY
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.
MOHAMMAD
You are their hero.
The kittens bow to MARY.
MARY
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Gregory Bogtrotter will never shoot kittens ever again, is enough for me.
MOHAMMAD
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the kittens passes MARY a wooden pendant
MOHAMMAD
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
MARY
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
MARY
Well, if you insist.
MARY takes the pendant.
MARY
Thank you.
The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.
MARY turns to MOHAMMAD.
MARY
Does this mean you want me back?
MOHAMMAD
Oh, Mary, of course I want you back!
MARY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
MARY
Well you can't have me.
MOHAMMAD
WHAT?
MARY
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a sea monster to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
MOHAMMAD
But...
MARY
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Jessica.
JESSICA grins.
MOHAMMAD
But...
JESSICA
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
MOHAMMAD
Mary?
MARY
I'm sorry Mohammad, but I think you should skidaddle.
MOHAMMAD leaves.
JESSICA turns to MARY.
JESSICA
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
MARY
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly JESSICA stops.
JESSICA
When I said I pick my nose and eat it, you know I was just trying to distract the sea monster don't you?
THE END.
