Today I plumb the deep waters of a conflict of child loyalty. But first: Welcome! Or welcome back. In the first part of my series "Separation of Couples with Children - Learn to Communicate & Understand" I dealt with the conflict potential, values and accusations between separated parents. You can read Part One here.
What happens if the other parent attaches importance to completely different things?
First of all, ... nothing. It's no problem as long as the parents are able to discuss their differences and agree to disagree but put it to a fair play.
Parents are THE "Adam & Eve" role models and therefore taken without any filter from their child
Different styles and values benefit children and do not harm them.
The damage happens only when the parents bring the child into a conflict of loyalty, when they strive to put the child into question and either let the child know clearly or make it feel subtly. Both are detrimental to the child.
The danger is that children are used as a means to an end. Because parents who want to make the other one a scapegoat are unsettling their child and doubt the maternal or paternal identity of the child.
Uncooperative children? "I hate you!" "You're an idiot!"
In fact, parents who want to convince each other of the correctness of their methods of raising achieve that they have a child who does not want to adapt sufficiently in their parental environment, who opposes or questions the demands that one as a parent places on it. Because it learns that the statements made by the other person about his mother or father are an attack on his integrity. The child rightly feels at the centre of these attacks and does the only thing that is proper: it points out to the adults that something is wrong.
"You're an idiot" is indeed a signal - you can translate it, when you substitute the insult against the real meaning of the message: "I need help." The children thus serve as a regulating force, which should receive positive support from parents. Even when a child shows a pathological sign it is not seen only as such, "pathology can make sense when considered as part of broader processes" [1] - the child is not only seen individually, but as part of a family system.
The systemic approach is not to focus on the expression it rather turns the view onto a positive connotation [2] - if there wouldn't be an aggressive toddler or teenager who shouts "idiot" loud and clear, there wouldn't appear the need to respond to that. "Disturbances" are not seen as "I wish them to go away", but as "Oh, I see, that must really be something what bothers my child". It would be nice though, to carry always a "Babelfish" as a translating device.
It is not necessarily an idea for parents to say to their child: "How interesting that you never want to clean up your room", but a long runner in the educational methods can be a reason to question why the child does not think it is necessary to do cleaning. But the solution must always be sought in one's own domestic environment and not by the other parent in the form of a "you have to do this differently, so that I have it easier here".
As a rule, children want to be (!) cooperative and do a lot - sometimes unreasonably much - for the parents to love and to be well disposed towards them. In important cases where a child is not cooperative but reacts with anger, resistance or resignation, for example, separate parents should pay close attention to where the different demands of the parents really are that constitute the resistance or whether it is their own parental deficits that make them feel powerless. The latter usually applies.
Open or subtle influence of parents
Since mother and father no longer live in the same household, it is difficult for a child to understand why one parent or both of them attribute the childs unwanted behaviour to the other adult. The child lives the relationship according to the framework conditions of the respective parent's house - i. e. always where he or she is at the moment.
Sentences sometimes fall on the child like: "It's clear that you don't have to do this with daddy, but here it's not that lax, we're practicing math now", which signals to the child that the other one is doing something wrong. However, the child feels responsible for this and places itself in the centre of this statement. The child hears: "I don't agree with your behaviour, you're not right."
The sentence sounds quite different: "I can understand that you don't have to do this with Daddy. Daddy has other things that are important to him and that's a good thing. I think learning is very important. What can we do to make practicing for school fun for both of us? You got any ideas? Otherwise, I have a suggestion. …“
"It's nicer with Daddy!"
Children like to answer with sentences like: "I don't have to wash my hands so often at Mama's". This makes such parents annoying, who feel provoked by such a statement and cannot explain to their child in peace that it is totally okay if mum does it the way she thinks it is right. That Daddy has different rules and they have absolutely nothing to do with Mommy.
Parents love their children and want to be loved by them at the same time. For example, the competition between separated parents is expressed in the fact that it provides inner satisfaction as soon as the child praises something that is more beautiful with one parent than with the other. But it also happens that you feel a great deal of anger when you are not the praised but rather the criticized parent. The assumption that children play parents against each other is only true if the children are old enough to have learned from their parents and use it as a strategic tool - kids are smart, aren't they?
If parents are competitors
As a parent, you should check carefully whether you are not instrumentalizing your child. The feelings of praise and criticism from the child's side are a good indication that competitive thinking can exist. It stabs the mother when she hears that she is "always so serious" and that it would be "more fun with Daddy".
The fact that children make comparative statements can already be an indication that competition is in play. But it can also simply mean that they only express what their reality is. However, children always observe very closely how parents react to their statements in order to get an orientation for themselves.
This insight that each person finds different things important - such as honesty, cleanliness, punctuality, helpfulness, openness, reliability and so on - helps children to accept their parents and at the same time themselves: with all their very individual abilities, strengths and weaknesses.
Summary - may everybody win!
The better the family system, the better the individual.
Differences and unique characteristics should be shown as valuable to the child. Praise the Ex for his good & empathetic aspects, emphasize in a natural manner that "Dad is really good at mental arithmetic and it's nice to remember how he built the model boat with you many years ago. I am glad his is so good with that, for I am not and it helps both of us to rely on your Dad." Maybe you have to fake this a little bit after a fresh divorce but when time goes by it is good to establish this kind of communication in order to strengthen your child's identification with the male and female part in it. There was once a reason to fall in love, even a child came out of this connection. The later adult which will rise out of the child for sure, gets better prepared and gained more worthiness of the self.
Divorced couples are no longer lovers, but they are still a system that is only separated from each other in space. One stays a parent for the rest of ones life.
In part three of this series - which will be the final one - you'll find some practical exercises.
In order to achieve a healthy communication basis with the other parent in the long term and to see your child grow up safely and confidently, you'll read about self-examination and communication examples with the other parent.
I will present 4 different and common scenarios and offer practical help. If that is not for you but maybe for someone whom you observe having trouble with the Ex, you have something to recommend.
Thank you for your attention!
As a consultant I work with family systems and the related issues within a system - this includes singles and couples/separated couples & patchwork families. My other focus is personal coaching including all Pillars of human identity (extract of Helmut Kames' diploma thesis, unfortunately only in German).
Systemic counselling involves counselling people with regard to their respective social systems in the respective context. Among other things, it includes advice on the family context. Systemic consulting is based on system theory, e. g. Talcott Parsons, constructivism, e. g. Fritz B. Simon and second-order cybernetics, e. g. Heinz von Foerster, Cybernetics of Cybernetics, The Control of Control and the Communication of Communication
[1]: De-pathologization / Short paper by Massimo Schinco
[2]: "Systemic theory and practice" - Rudi Dallos & Ros Draper - Page 81 Link extern
Images:
Adam & Eve 1: pixabay
Adam & Eve 2: pixabay
Mary & Joseph: pixabay
Eve with the book of knowledge: pixabay
