For those of you who weren’t aware, I made this announcement a month ago about my new book.
In That Original Post I Explained..
Over the next few months, I’ll be rereading all of the post comments, enhancing the posts, and crafting them into the final chapters. When these chapters are complete I’ll have an open call for beta-readers on Hive to read the manuscript and offer feedback.
What Is A Beta-Reader? (from Wikipedia)
Beta Reader: a test reader of an unreleased work of literature or other writing (similar to beta testing in software), who gives feedback from the point of view of an average reader to the author. A beta reader is not a professional and can therefore provide advice and comments in the opinions of an average reader. This feedback is used by the writer to fix remaining issues with plot, pacing, and consistency. The beta reader also serves as a sounding board to see if the book has had the intended emotional impact.
The Process Of Writing Mindful Moments
This book project has been like no other one I’ve ever worked on. First, it’s taken way longer to write than a book written in the traditional way. Secondly, it’s been so much more enjoyable to let the ideas for the chapters naturally bubble up into my imagination.
This chapter was the most difficult one for me to write of the entire book because I’ve struggled with setting boundaries my entire life. It wasn’t for lack of experience. The universe has taught me many hard lessons because I’ve misplaced my trust and had a habit of putting other people’s happiness before my own, personally and professionally. In the last few years I feel I've gotten much better at this. Honestly, I think this is the one chapter in the book that I'm the lease confident about, maybe this is due to my past track record on the topic. I feel the material "almost there" but I'm hoping to use your feedback/suggestions to get it into shape.
I thank you in advance for your notes and feedback in the comments below. It'll be very valuable to me and help to create a book which, hopefully, helps lots of people improve their lives for many years to come.
Chapter Three ~ Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries with yourself and with others is one of the main keys to happiness and success. This is one of my most profound lessons; and I’m still actively learning it in middle age. The first steps to being able to set and enforce proper boundaries are: 1.) knowing exactly who you are and what behavior you consider to be acceptable; and 2.) realizing your own strengths and self worth. Internalizing, remembering, and most importantly, enforcing these things is like having a superpower.
The holidays are an opportune time to practice setting boundaries with family. Family gatherings can be a perfect petri dish for dysfunction. This is also a good time of the year to remember every family has their fair share of dysfunction. During the holidays people in our social circles often, jokingly, complain about how dysfunctional their families are. As the great Geoffrey Chaucer said, “...many a true word hath been spoke in jest.” No matter how much work you’ve done to evolve and heal from the scars of your past, being around people you’ve grown up with can instantly renew those old insecurities and negative patterns of behavior.
Almost every family has one person, or several, who drinks too much and habitually says or does inappropriate things. These kinds of people thrive on chaos and like nothing more than to antagonize and lure others into arguments. They also have a habit of putting people down to try to make themselves feel better. This is the opportune time to begin to define and enforce your personal boundaries. It’s okay, and perfectly healthy, to let these people know how they’re treating you is unacceptable. It’s equally as important to remember you have the option of choosing to not engage with them until they acknowledge your wishes and treat you with the respect you deserve.
Setting boundaries is just as important in business as it is in your personal life. To be taken seriously we have to make sure we consistently hold business associates accountable. We do this by making sure they keep their promises, treat us with respect, and calling them out on their bad behavior when they don’t. Anything else is like giving them permission to mistreat you.
Letting those you work with know immediately and diplomatically when they’ve stepped over the line of what you deem acceptable behavior might be uncomfortable in the short term but they will most often readjust their behavior or move on to a new target. If not, there is little in this life that is worth being mistreated for.
It’s also very important to design your own life plan. Define what’s most important to your own happiness and well being. If you’ve never taken the time to design your own life plan, it’s never too late to do so. Once your plan is in place, stay tightly focused on those goals and dreams, protect and nurture them as best you can.
Be wary of anyone who tries to divert from your own dreams and lure you into assisting them with theirs. Before you agree to any such arrangement make sure that their dreams, personality, and morals are in close alignment with your own. There are many highly charismatic people out there in the world who will try their best to enlist you to help them with their dreams at the expense of your own. On the outside, these people might appear to be brimming with confidence. Oftentimes, this is a false front and they are secretly insecure about their ability to achieve success on their own.
“If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall for someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” - Jim Rohn
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Through the years I’ve learned to be very wary of people who are overly charismatic, shower you with shallow or insincere compliments, and consistently make lofty promises. In my experience this is usually the first red flag of people with manipulative, sociopathic, and/or narcissistic tendencies. These kinds of people usually have an agenda and view other people as merely commodities to extract their wants and needs from. Their goal might be to extract your ideas, an introduction to your network of contacts, or access to your money. One thing is for sure, it’s rare that these kinds of people have your best interest in mind.
Often we shy away from calling people out on their bad behavior because we don’t want to rock the boat or seem like difficult people ourselves. We feel like we’re personally assaulting the one who is treating us badly instead of just communicating our own expectations of what is okay. Ironically, by letting bad behavior slide and dodging confrontation even once we’re indirectly giving people the green light to mistreat us. By being passive we often set ourselves up for a lifetime of victimhood and loss. We can always get a new job, make more money, or meet new friends but the one thing we can’t regain in this life is time lost. Neither can we easily lose the feelings of resentment associated with losing that lost time.
What must people consider being brutally honest is actually being compassionate. When you are compassionately honest your life, more often than not, becomes much better in the long term. Your compassionate honesty also provides the person exhibiting the toxic behavior with a mirror, an opportunity for them to see themselves in a different way. It also provides that person with an opportunity to correct the behavior if they choose to do so.
“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and they say yes when they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.” ~ Brene Brown
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Life becomes so much easier when you learn to communicate your wants, needs, and expectations to those friends, family, and colleagues around you and establish acceptable parameters for behavior. The very first step is knowing who you are and recognizing your own self worth. Then you must demonstrate to the outside world that you know exactly how valuable you are. There’s no better way to accomplish this than through the introspection and valuable insight gained in mindfulness and meditation.
Meditation
The 5/5/7 technique of seated meditation allows you to center yourself so let’s start with that. Begin by sitting upright in a comfortable chair then:
- Inhale for a count of 5 (sniff the flower);
- Hold the breath for a count of 5;
- Exhale for a count of 7 (blow out the candle); and
- Repeat for as long as you like (at least 3 repetitions).
After you practice this very simple meditation technique for even a few minutes it’s very helpful to linger in that place of peace and calm, focusing your mind on your self worth and the unique set of skills you bring to the world.
Putting Words Into Action
Begin to think deeply about designing your own life plan. Use the Notes section at the end of this chapter to list out some of your long term goals. What do you value? What are basic wants, needs, and expectations when it comes to interacting with others, both personally and professionally? Also list a few of your “deal-breakers”; things that you refuse to stand for. It’s very important to physically write these down and keep them in a place that you can refer to them often.
As you go about your day, begin to identify interactions and situations when you feel your boundaries are being crossed and let people know immediately when they do it. You’ll find that most people will honor your wishes. For the few who refuse to honor your boundaries you must decide if you’re willing to deal with their bad behavior. If the answer is no, you have to be prepared to end that relationship until they’re ready to give you the respect you deserve.
Change will not happen overnight. It takes work to rewire your brain after lifelong patterns of behavior. In the end, the result of setting and enforcing boundaries will be: a higher quality of life; more self-confidence; fewer feelings of resentment; more respect from those around you; and a trustworthy inner circle of friends who you know you can count on and vice versa.
Remember to say NO when you need to and YES only when you mean it.
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In Gratitude,
~ Eric Vance Walton ~
I am an American novelist, poet, traveler, and crypto-enthusiast. If you’ve enjoyed my work please sign up for my author newsletter at my website. Newsletter subscribers will receive exclusive updates and special offers and your information will never be sold or shared.
Alarm Clock Dawn, one of the first full length novels published on the blockchain, and the book that started it all for me can be found HERE. Or Click Here to read it for free on the Steemit blockchain
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