Sorry about the sudden disappearance guys. I was okay and in the process of starting to write a worm/garden update. (I have some updates for you. They'll be coming. Promise.) And then I wasn't. Which happens sometimes.
If you never met me in everyday life, you would recognize the anxiety in me. It's very obvious. However, if I mentioned I've had a depressive disorder since childhood? Maybe not so much. I'm pretty happy go lucky with a bit (a lot) of attitude. Mostly because I have to choose to be optimistic, choose to think positive, choose to work on myself or I feel like I'm drowning underneath and if I don't speak up? Nobody knows and I suffer in silence. So let's not do that, yes? It's a rollercoaster, let me tell you.
When I hit puberty, I started to see a therapist as my parents realized there was something not quite right, that I was moody and in their view... defiant. Two months into therapy and I realized that my therapist did not quite fit. In fact, she made me feel worse and with other issues going on, I attempted suicide. I spent a week in the hospital under another diagnosis because I couldn't deal with the guilt of what I had done and let them assume I was merely ill. I openly started to confront this about two years after it had happened. As the years went on I saw several therapists and psychologists. Over the years the prognosis was/is the same.
I have something referred to as Dysthymia or Persistent depressive disorder. I have a childhood onset of this disorder and when I was younger I couldn't really pin point when I had become depressed. Now that I'm older, I kind of can, but not entirely. My mom developed breast cancer when I was about 8 or 9 and she struggled sometime through her journey and I suppose that this is around where this journey of mine began. Through time I have also been diagnosed with both Inattentive Type ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. There is no consensus on which I actually have. I've been on medications for both disorders and plus my depression. Both were productive treatments, both had side effects, some worse than others. I have gone through double depression where I experienced major depression concurrent with my dysthymia. I would walk down the hallways at school crying, without understanding why I was crying in the first place. I'm better now through years of talk therapy and armed with some tools to get through tougher periods, but both of my parents also passed away in the last 6 years and that has also stirred up a lot. Sometimes my functionality is a bit messed up sometimes (major fear of change here) and I'm probably in store for some therapy soon to tackle some grief and strife I'm definitely holding on to. I haven't been ready, but now I think processing some more of this journey will be good for me.
Why am I telling you this? Because mental health should be talked about. You are not crazy or unstable if you don't feel okay. Maybe you need to check in to a clinic, maybe you need a medication (if you're on some) adjustment, maybe you need to talk to a professional, or just someone supportive. There's such a stigma of shame if you do not feel or feel too much. There's too much pressure not to share when you struggle. You should in fact feel free to pick up your phone and call your friends when you don't feel well. Sometimes, when the anxiety hits, I text people. Sometimes those calls go out in the middle of the night. Sometimes there are no responses because people are busy or sleeping, but I always manage to get a hold of someone who will say, "hey, you're okay." It's okay to take a mental health day. If I need one, I'll call into work and say I don't feel well and leave it at that. I have to be mentally present to work with kids in the way that I do so I am very mindful of where I'm at. I can't do that with an empty cup, so to speak, so sometimes I need to take care of me. Treat mental health as important or at least try, it's good for you.
So bottom line, some not so great stuff happened, I've been struggling for the past two weeks to both work on myself and get some stuff done. Someone is moving out of my house and someone is moving in. I will need to be proactive for the next few months to complete some things I need to get done(you'll see.). I'm going to struggle some days to get things done, some days I wont. It's okay and I'm okay. How are you, great wide world?