If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete. - Jack Kornfield
The Inner Life
"I just am so stupid" was a phrase that I used often. It was something that would go consistently unchallenged in my psyche. It becomes a negative mantra, older than the hand me down couch that my wife and I own, this sentiment has been in the family. I can remember when I first told by someone that I was stupid, I was about seven and that someone was my dad. At that time in my life, I could not understand that those words as harsh as they are didn't define me. So I did what every seven years old would do, adapt and adopt.
The Cynic Cycle
For years after the event, I wore the word "Stupid" on my sleeve as a badge of honor, and in some sense an inverted form of love. From my Childhood years into my early teens, I still believed that I was stupid. It no longer just impacted me. My relationships suffered because of it. This "mantra" became a lens. A lens on how I viewed others. The words "This person is so stupid" and "How can this person be so dumb" were regulars. My semi-self destructive viewpoint became outward focus. During this time of my life, I began to question everything.
Though people don't often show it, words do hurt. The amount of verbal bullying that goes on in schools today in ratio to the amount of bullying-related deaths is testament enough. Was I going to continue to go down this path of inward destruction, or did something need to change?
Reprogramming
The process of the renewal of our minds takes many forms. For some, it's an overnight conversion. One day they were negative and cynical and the next they weren't. This baptism of sorts would seem as though it was by a sheer miracle, and for some it is. Others like myself needed to unlearn years of bad behavior, self-loathing, pity, and deep-seated anger over time.
Why is that?
Well, it's simple really, pride.
My thoughts meant my control, and the more I can control the more powerful I felt in that moment. Even if the person never heard my thoughts directly, my worldview was shaped by the scenarios that I made up in my head. So, as I witnessed the people I love get hurt by my behavior I began to give up the reigns of power that I thought I had. As I began to silence the cynical, negative and brash thoughts, my mind became clear.
It was as though I was detoxing from the negative and re-enforcing the positive. In times past I would instantly attempt to judge a person, but now with this different mindset, I gave people the benefit of the doubt even when I thought I was right.
Because ultimately, it's not about me and it's not about you.
Hope
I wish I could tell you that overnight it was easier. I wish I could tell you that it required no effort and was easy. In our microwave culture of surface level self-development, it would be great if all those things were true. The reality is that it wasn't easy but it was worth it. Beyond the uncomfortable feelings or words I fight back on occasion, my life is freer.
Having resentment against someone is like drinking poison and thinking it will kill your enemy - Nelson Mandela
Though in this case resentment is not the poison, I believe ill thoughts or even words against a person have the same end.
Recovery
Catching yourself
Bob Stahl from Mindful gives us insight into the different battlegrounds you might find yourself in.
Here are a few categories of thoughts that you may find your mind drifting into:
Catastrophizing — This is the mind’s “what if” game.
Blaming — This is a mind trap in which some uncomfortable feeling is expelled by holding ourselves responsible for another’s pain or holding others responsible for our pain.
Rehashing — This is when our thoughts reflect on past circumstances, going over them again and again, often in an effort to figure something out.
Rehearsing — This is the mind practicing some future event, playing through, again and again, the possible ways it may unfold.
More details of the cycle can be found here: https://www.mindful.org/4-common-types-self-talk/
Love
Love transcends all space and time. - Lenny Kravitz
Coaching Yourself, self-love, encouragement any way you call it, your self-talk will often determine your self-worth. Speak kindly to yourself and watch your inner-world change. Just remember it's a process and does take time. The renewal of the mind is a marathon not a sprint.
Until Next time.