Greetings Steemian's,
Let's have a chat about PTSD. I'm going to discuss just how debilitating and awful this condition can be.
First, what is PTSD?
- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
To break it down for anyone who might not understand the premise of the words. It's generally classified as extreme stress that is caused/influenced from previous traumatic events, and comes with a set of symptoms.
Oftentimes, a person with PTSD, encumbers other mental health issues as well, which is my story, but we are going to keep it on the PTSD.
Before I discuss how I was triggered last night, and how I reacted to this, I will give a very brief history of my condition. I should probably state now, some might find this a little disturbing. So if there is any inclination that envisioning futuremind in a triggered state might upset you, just do yourself the favor of closing this right now.
I am a victim of child abuse, and a Veteran who served honorably, in the United States Marine Corps.
The types of abuse that I sustained as a child (that I know of), were regular close fist beating, drowning, food gorging, forced literature in very high amounts, (punished if not remembered), threats of death, biting, sleep deprivation, beating during sound sleep. Also, I witnessed these things being done to my 5 younger siblings, mother, and her sister, (who was being raped by the abuser) (my father), for 14 years. The rape started in young teens, and no one knew about it. She lived with us.
The dynamics and implications of such a childhood, lead to issues in adulthood, that are terrifying and debilitating.
Around the age of 16, I had made a decision. I was going to leave and join the Marines (Same branch my Dad was in) or, I was going to murder my father. I had studied his sleep patterns for about two years by the age of 16, and had a very good perception of how he slept, so the plan was a knife to the throat, and it would have been very easy to carry out. I expressed to my mother, this was a definitive, unless I leave. She knew I was dead serious and told me to join the Corps. So that is what I did.
The Marines likely exacerbated my symptoms, but I don't really see it. I see a very damaged child, who became trained as a very efficient killer with specialized training.
Great job on screening your applicants for service Uncle Sam!
After the service, I suffered from serious addiction issues to alcohol and cocaine, emcumbered legal issues, did prison time, and know full well this definitely exacerbated my PTSD symptoms.
I think this outlines things well enough. Let me now tell you a story of what happened in my residence, and how I handled it. This happened, last night..
While having a bout of insomnia, I had been up 24 hours at this moment, and at random heard extreme screaming and violence downstairs. (I live in a multi- residence)
The screaming was over a lighter. I knew instantly what this meant, being a former crack smoker..
It sounded to me, as if a woman was screaming for her life. My instincts kicked in, I grabbed my butcher knife, and opened my door...
In that moment, I knew I needed to rethink....
I opted to call the police instead and clearly outlined the residence, what was happening, a brief history of myself, and how volatile this was likely to get if they didn't get here quickly.
I was in a state of panic, and literally screaming at the cops, because it was also clear that they did not understand the gravity of this. I saw myself in the mirror and thought "I look like I'm on cocaine". It was very rough, and this was only the start of symptoms, unfortunately.
I called the cops back, said I needed pictures, names, police report, an outline of what happened, current threat level. (They clearly believed I was on drugs and were dismissive).
After speaking with a couple rookies, they did their dismissive job very well and told me to have a good night.
Oh no.... Futuremind isn't have this....
Time to prepare for BATTLE!
(The reason I'm good at predicting things, is my ability to think of hundreds of variables in the forefront of my thoughts, this doesn't include sub-conscious. I had to do this as a child to survive.)
So, I started bugging out bad and screaming obscenities to my neighbor's downstairs in a very threatening manner.
I'm quite sure they are terrified at this point, and as I speak, death metal is being blasted louder than it's ever been in my residence. My demon has returned..
I digress...
The night ended in with me in a central location of the house, naked with a butcher knife for each hand.
What can I say? I'm terrified someone will break in my house and try to hurt me, and I did not provoke this!!!!!
I feel like a prisoner in my new home currently, and I'm not really sure how to deal with it. I have duties and responsibilities with no time for such obsessive fear based thinking.
Perhaps this is one of the most fucked up articles I've ever written, but it's important to be aware of your surroundings, and how you may affect others, because you never know if someone will become terrified and start preparing for your death. I know it really sounds insane, but maybe not so much to someone who's endured what I went through.
It's my goal to live and let live. I wish harm on no man, but I have no qualms about taking someone else's life if I am backed in a corner or witness women and children being hurt.
I have to figure out a way to combat this thought process better, or one day I will likely end up in a cage permanently.
When you express concern to the authorities, with a list of solutions that go ignored, I guess it's only safe to assume they are rubbing their grubby little paws together and hoping it happens.
If I disappear, this article will be in the court room.
I asked for names, picutures, current threat level, and police report. I was dismissed, and I have to protect my life by whichever means necessary, this is my intrinsic human right that no court room has the right to tell me I cannot defend.
This concludes my thoughts on PTSD, as well as an outline of my current circumstance.
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