[Chapter 5: Where Were You]
The world was different when they were younger.
Back when I didn’t know what was wrong.
Lying in bed, Jared threw his phone halfway across his room.
Stupid phone alarm, it’s the most annoying sound in the world.
He was dreaming about his childhood again.
The laughter of his only point of attraction echoing in the fading memory.
Days when society’s norms never bothered him.
Blissful ignorance is so much better than this world that I live in.
“Sweetie, don’t forget to take a shower, okay? The pancakes are ready!”
I love you, Mom.
He doesn’t know if he’s in the mood to eat breakfast.
He just wanted to go to school, check if Evan’s injuries are critical or not, then be done with it.
But why?
Heading to the shower, he starts to plan what’s going to happen for this day.
First day of the last year in high school.
Last chance.
Begin everything with a good start.
If that happens, maybe everything will improve.
You can get it right and there will be no more pretentions.
Maybe you can now be honest with yourself.
Please.
If he never bothered with what the world defines as “normal” would he be miserable in the first place?
---
You can do this. You can do this. You can do this.
Early morning and he’s in front of his mirror.
Mom could be right. Just a little ice breaker.
Looking at the cast on his arm, Evan tries to list the people that could sign it.
Zoe, perhaps?
But you don’t know her.
Jared?
He would.
Definitely.
Who else?
Will it be weird to ask a teacher?
Or, you could just sign it yourself, with names of non-existing people from school.
Mom will never know.
Ice breakers are meant for getting to know new people, right?
You can expand your list.
He has a lot of lists already.
For every new goal, there’s a new list.
None fulfilled, so far.
But he is still adding things on them.
And could no longer figure out which one to complete first.
Does the first one in the Dangerous List count?
You never did really include the process of how to finish that entry.
Despite the failure, Evan was glad that he was able to do it.
But he is still disappointed that his last-minute plan didn’t work.
Part of it is that he just really want to stop expanding those stupid lists.
The other was to no longer feel loneliness and maybe stop being a burden to anyone.
Forget what happened weeks before.
Listen to what Dr. Sherman has told you.
“For once in your life, move on.”
---
I wasn’t high.
Connor hasn’t spoken to his friends since he went to that place, and he really wish that he had.
Thanks to you, stupid sister, Larry’s going to send me back to hell.
If he does, I’ll tell them about your ugly ass ex-girlfriend.
Smiling to himself, he couldn’t help but think of all the secrets that he could spill.
Not just about Zoe, but also about his Dad.
Mom’s going to be finally disappointed in you too.
Making his way to the car, he starts thinking of a back-up plan should he fail to let out what he knows.
Maybe a way to avoid even more interactions with the shitty people of this town.
Go home when no one is around.
Pack your things.
Never return.
That’s a good plan.
But the voice of one of the freaks that he met last summer came to his thoughts.
“Let go.”
What happens then?
---
Jared was relieved to see that Evan is only wearing one cast on his arm.
That means nothing critical happened.
Dang it, Heidi, why did you not update me about him?
It’s your fault why I couldn’t do things right for the rest of my summer break.
Ugh.
He contemplates whether to approach him and greet Alana too or just wait for them to end their conversation.
Just talk to him.
No more sarcasm.
Be a good friend.
When he approached Evan, everything that was surrounding them was blurry.
There was only Evan.
As the butterflies started to fly, he smiled.
“Hey!”
“H-hey, Jared!”
“What have you been up to this summer?” Jared said while looking at the details of Evan’s cast.
“I-I”, gulping and trying not to stutter, “Ifelloffatreeand-andnobodycametog-getme.”
“You fell off from a tree? That’s better than breaking your arm from jerking off too much, right?” What?
“What?! Idontdothatwhy- why w-would I do that?”
How high was your fall?
“You’re telling me that you don’t jerk off to Zoe Murphy’s Instagram photos?”
Saying her name stings Jared, more than he would care to admit.
Of all people, why her?
The butterflies are gone now.
Why did you have to bring her up?
“I wasn’t doing that! I mean…” Evan was looking around while Jared thinks of ways to change the topic.
“You must be some kind of an acorn to fall off a fucking tree.” Is this sarcasm?
Evan smiles sadly. “Maybe, it could be why no one c-came to get me.”
I could have.
I would have.
He couldn’t take it.
I need to get out of here.
“Is that supposed to be funny?”
“Uhm, I guess so…”
“Okay, I’m sensing your emo-shit vibe again. I should probably go.” Jared turns away from Evan and looks for anyone else that he could talk to.
“Wait!”
Evan was at his side now, searching for something from his back-pack.
“What is it now?” Jared, pretending to be annoyed.
He was happy, really.
It was rare for Evan to approach him first, much more to keep their conversation going.
Jared was always starting their talks, always the one to end it also.
“We’re friends, so I was thinking… Will you-uhm-sign mycast?” said Evan as he hands Jared a Sharpie.
Jared took the sharpie and his hand, ignoring the pained sound that Evan made.
“I’m going to write J.K. on your cast’s palm, as in joke, not Jared Kleinman.”
“Why?”
“I don’t think you need my name or signature. We’re family friends after all. Our friendship is given.”
Jared could see a disappointed look on Evans face.
Does he get it?
“I’m the joke, Evan. Without my jokes, you’re helpless. Get it?”
“Oh…”
He doesn’t get it.
He purposely draws the two letters in a slow manner, pretending to concentrate on the lines.
He likes this.
Holding Evan’s hand, despite the cast between their skins.
He’s been dreaming of holding Evan’s hand without caring about the world had to say.
This is the closest that he could get to there.
As he was coloring the letters to make it look three-dimensional, a familiar figure appeared from his peripheral view.
He started to feel nervous when he realized that the figure was looking at what he’s doing.
It’s him.
Letting go of Evan’s hand, he faced the figure who was just closing his locker.
Connor Murphy?
He looks different from the last time he saw him in school.
He has longer hair now.
That was definitely him in the woods.
Shit.
He’s going to ruin my life.
Connor has this look that Jared couldn’t place.
He knows.
He moved a bit away from Evan.
“Nice hair, Connor.”
I need him to stay away.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
“Uhm, thank you?” The look he had earlier was gone, something else must be brewing inside his head.
“You don’t know how to take compliments, do you?”
Jared was starting to feel irritated.
“I said thank you, is that alright?” Connor was looking at Evan now.
Jared doesn’t like that.
What is he thinking?
Is he going to tell Evan?
“Whatever, you look like a school shooter anyway.”
A shocked glance came from Evan while Connor’s face became filled with rage.
“You can’t tell a joke too?”
“I was laughing at your stupid joke, can’t you tell?”
Jared was the type of person who insults people to keep them away.
To keep people’s mouth shut.
And Jared wasn’t sure if that technique works on someone like Connor.
But he needs him to stay away.
“Err. Don’t need your negativity, Freak. Bye.”
And Jared walks away, ignoring Evan who tried to pull him back in front of Connor.
“That wasn’t nice, Jared.”
That was the first time Jared heard Evan stood up for anyone in a long time.
When was the last time he was this confident?
He kept his back at the two of them, not listening to Evan’s protests, and walking faster until he was at the nearest corridor bend.
He stopped behind the wall and listened to what Evan was saying to Connor.
“I’m sorry about that, Jared didn’t mean it. He’s-uhm-he means well…”
“I don’t need you to defend me. And if there’s a freak here, that would be you.”
Jared balled his fist, ready to go back out there and defend Evan.
“I-I’m aware of that. I’m just saying- “
Evan’s voice was cut-off by the sound of thudding against the lockers.
Jared panicked and went out of his hiding spot.
Connor was walking away and Evan was on the ground, caressing his injured arm.
He was about to approach Evan when Zoe Murphy came rushing to his side.
He couldn’t hear what Zoe was saying.
His eyes were focused on Evans frowning face that was slowly turning to a happy one while looking at Zoe.
The blush forming on his cheek suits him.
Jared wishes that it was for him.
But then Evan smiled at Zoe.
A real smile.
Something that he hasn’t seen Evan done since he started with his sarcastic tendencies towards him.
He doesn’t like this.
He doesn’t like this at all.
---
When he said he wanted to meet someone new, he didn’t mean his long-time crush, Zoe Murphy.
He knew her already.
Just not the other way around.
In his head, he was thanking Connor for shoving him against the lockers.
But at the same time, he was sad.
His idea of befriending the guy by telling him what he knows about Jared’s tendencies didn’t go well.
He also doesn’t like the fact that Zoe approached him because of her brother.
The plan was to walk up to her.
Tell her he would like to learn how to play the guitar.
That he wanted her to teach him because he’s seen her play before.
Obviously, that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.
At least he’s friends with her now.
“No way, Jose!”
“Okay, Jose?”
Sort of.
I’ll find more friends.
Eventually.
Hey, at least you’re fixing your confidence issues, right?
Mom would be proud.
Or maybe you should cancel the “Confidence List”?
It didn’t work after all.
Number one on that list is to learn how to handle Jared’s insults and sarcasm.
He believes that if he could do that, he can handle other people.
He’s been planning to do that since sophomore year and only now was he able to start.
Is Dr. Sherman’s advice of moving on working?
Hopefully.
He wonders if his failed attempt to end his life was helping him understand the concept of moving on.
Like really moving on.
That afternoon, Evan found himself at the computer lab.
He was trying to write his “Letter to Himself” that Dr. Sherman told him to do.
Dr. Sherman didn’t really give him precise instructions as to what he should put in the letters.
And he had a lot in mind.
But he couldn’t summarize his thoughts.
Was it a good day?
I guess.
He started a new document and typed in the format that he’s used to.
Making a list, I’m better at that.
He managed to type out the things he wanted to do or happen in a single page.
He printed it out then proceeded to type his letter.
He writes about how he thinks he could make his final year in high school memorable.
How he should take it slow at befriending more people like the Murphy siblings.
How he plans to join bigger organizations to help himself become a better person and a friend.
He writes about not liking that Jared thinks of himself as a joke.
How he would like Jared to stop thinking that way.
How he doesn’t like the “family friends” status.
How he wishes his Mom to be a bigger part of his life.
How he would like the Moving On advice to be a factor at being honest with himself.
He wrote a two-page letter so that he doesn’t have to write multiple letters like Dr. Sherman had instructed.
This should do.
Am I doing this “Letter to Myself” right?
---
I need to apologize to that Hansen kid.
He was just being nice.
Besides, Jared probably saw me that night.
He probably thought I was going to use it against him.
People who are afraid tend to cover their fear with harsh words.
He knows that for a fact.
He does that all the time.
That should be it.
I wasn’t going to use it against him or anything.
The sound of the door opening brought him back to reality.
When he looked up, he watched as the Hansen kid sat himself in front of one of the computers.
Talk about perfect timing.
Evan, was it?
He sat there for a while, trying to think of ways to apologize to the guy.
The guy had a cast on his arm.
Why did you have to push him like that?
When he was about to stand up to talk to him, a printer near him buzzed out a single paper.
For some reason, Connor was tempted to read it.
He can tell that it was a bulleted list.
Here we go.
What the fuck did I tell you about not minding other people’s business?
This usually happens whenever he hasn’t had a joint for more than a week.
How long has it been?
Checking on Evan, he realized that the boy was typing something very long.
The opposite of whatever it was on the printer.
He wonders if Evan was the guy who texted Jared that night.
If he remembers correctly, Jared was panicking that night.
And he was muttering “please be alright” too much.
That would explain the cast and the way Jared held Evan’s hand earlier.
There was a look of longing in Jared’s eyes.
Yup, he’s probably in love with this kid.
He wonders if the Hansen kid was aware.
He silently chuckles to himself.
He loves putting two and two together.
He’s observant, after all.
Too observant.
“Disgusting.”
That voice again.
Get out of my head, you bastard.
But then again, that’s why he’s always in trouble.
He waited until Evan was finally saving the second file.
When Connor stood up and took the paper from the printer, he noticed that Evan was now looking at him with a horrified look on his face.
“Uhm, hey.” He walked towards the seated guy.
“Hey…” Evan’s face slightly softened when Connor flipped the papers’ printed side away from his view.
He didn’t hand it to him.
He needed a reason to keep their conversation going.
“I was just here to, you know, apologize for earlier.”
“It’s okay, I-I understand.”
You do?
Maybe he’s used to getting the blame for Kleinman’s actions?
That would explain his obvious loneliness.
Geez.
I need to stop assuming things about people.
“Uhm, my sister didn’t sign your cast earlier?” Connor said, checking out if he damaged the damn cast.
“You-you saw that huh?”
The blush that formed on Evan’s cheek made Connor want to laugh.
You too, huh?
Gotcha.
“I always look back, Hansen.”
He’s my sister, even if she’s the most annoying thing in the world, I still check out what she’s up to from afar.
Especially if it’s my doing.
She’s always checking out what I’m doing too.
“My therapist told me that looking back can be unhealthy for you.”
Therapist? For what?
“They sure do. Want me to sign your cast?”
Connor had an idea.
This is for having a stupid crush on my stupid sister.
Evan hands him a marker and he proceeded to quickly pull the boy’s injured hand to make him stand up.
“Ouch!”
Okay, that was too much.
I shouldn’t have done that.
“Sorry, I forgot about the pain.”
“Most people do.”
What’s up with this kid?
Is he alright?
He placed the paper under his arm then proceeded to write his name.
In big capital letters.
Mainly because he wanted to annoy Jared.
Even if he understands the reason for his acts, he needed a way to get back at him.
“I’m doing this so we could both pretend that we have friends. Real ones, anyway.”
“I have friends.”
Jared Kleinman?
Is he friends with you or is he covering his feelings for you while using you as his punching bag to make him manlier?
That doesn’t sound like friendship to me.
“I believe you.”
“Thanks?”
As he was drawing the giant second N of his name, he noticed that the paper on his arm was upside down.
The last entry from the list can be seen.
And one word caught Connor’s eyes.
Suicide.
He hasn’t thought of that word since he first threatened his family with it.
Obviously, that did not go well like he thought it would be.
“Don’t blame yourself, Connor.”
“But he didn’t need to do that!”
He remembers his old friend.
The last real friend that he had.
He could never forgive him for what he had done.
This worried Connor.
He doesn’t like the idea of seeing that word near a kid who responds a little too gloomily to his remarks.
As he lets go of Evans hand, he took the paper from his arm and handed it to the other boy.
He reads the last entry as fast as he could.
- Tell the truth about my suicide attempt.
Is this why he has a therapist?
He looks away.
“What subject is that for?”
“Not for a subject, for a therapy session.”
Chills creeped all over Connor’s back.
Evan didn’t print the other one.
Maybe that one’s for school?
Do I have homework today?
I forgot.
It doesn’t matter, he’s not going to do them anyway.
He watches Evan pack up.
“Hey Hansen…”
“You can call me Evan.”
“Okay, Evan.”
The blond smiled, hanging his bag on his good side waiting for Connor to say something.
Connor realized that he has another secret to keep.
“I want us to be real friends.”
This fanfiction will also be updated here:
http://archiveofourown.org/works/11566770/chapters/25985823
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12575118/1/Him-And-Nothing-Else
[Photo from Dear Evan Hansen]
