I still remember your blue eyes; such a big blue eyes you had. They were sky blue, and I think it was a present for me so every time I would look at you the sky was there for me too. You had a slim long nose like the ones I like. Yes, the big noses in my family that I never had, but you obtained it. Your hair was yellow as it was your uncles' hair when they were little children. My golden boy with sky-blue eyes you were.
I knew you were going to be you grandparents joy. I could see how they would lift you up with such love and pride. They looked so happy and thrilled to have you in their lives. It is like they were expecting you for their lives to gain meaning again. Without knowing, they were all expecting you but me, I only saw girls in my future. You, you were a complete surprise, and I sadly discovered it too late to change my course and make you a reality in for us all.
I understand your tears, and I cannot justify myself out of them. I remember them abundant, and running down you white cheeks passing by a mouth a couldn't stay close. You were angry. You were sad. Your sobbing brakes me while it made me realize how far I was from home, and from the missions of my life. Such beautiful, big, sky-blue eyes full of tears as you saw your future never to begin. Maybe it did; gosh, I hope it did. Maybe, you are in someone else's arms, and you walk among us. Would you still have those eyes and hair? would your nose be slim and long? You deserved to come, and from that I am sure. Even though I ignore completely the shape you have taken, I hope our paths cross even for an instant, for a "hello", for a "take care."
If you truly are here, I hope you have a life full of love. Oh, the days full of details, symbols, and meaning I would have given you! I sincerely hope your life to be abundant in learning. I am not there to be your teacher, so it is your desire to learn what must drive you to knowledge. Languages, nature, crafting, arts, and more I would have taught you. Even if you'd have loved sports, I would have watched them with you (but you would have to explain them to me). I also hope you laugh constantly. I would have shared with you that, as I character I cherished, I want my life full of laughter too. I would have wanted you to carry that phrase in your heart at all times even when I'd stop being there to remind it to you. So, laugh my unborn child; laugh wherever you are and whenever you can.
You were going to be my father's day, my hand-made cards, my special meal, my family photos, and my reason to celebrate. It was the moment that I lost you in which I realized I wanted you. But now, you are not in my path; you are not my destiny anymore. You became a "what if" and a "how could have been" of my life. If it serves as consolation, I won't have father's days; not without you. For whatever is worth, I am deeply sorry you are not here with us, and I hope at least in the wisdom of our Lord you are with better some ones. I doubt they love you more than I could have, but then I will ask for love in your path to my last weak breath.
And as for me, I have to walk my painful road until I discover why charity never stop being. That is my last destination I believe, and to learn and grow along that path. In a distant future, in another state, we will meet. I offer you these words until then. If there is still anger in your eyes I will accept it. If there are tears in you face, and if you let me, I will wipe them off. If you still want, I will share whatever is left of my heart with you in that moment. You don't have to give nothing in return but perhaps a lingering fading smirk while you walk away. I will smile back.
Forgive me,
Gabriel.