Many moons ago you succeeded in acquiring that most crucial of possessions: a job. But now that the warm, inner glow of pride has faded, you've begun to see the job for pile of turd it really is. And so, in a dance as old as time, you would like to relieve yourself of that job.
The problem is, how do you gracefully leave any job? How do you tell everyone that you hate their stupid faces, and the job's stupid menial tasks, without coming off as a weapons-grade prick?More importantly though, how do you have some fun doing it? Well, believe it or not, here are 19 ideas for striking down those two birds with but one stone.
- Get out before you get trapped
Making the choice to go is the first step. Don't get stuck in a dead end job you hate, with people you dislike, and no prospect of getting better in the future. Just escape. By helicopter, rescue boat, or exploding spaceship, it doesn't matter. Just make sure to collect your P45 on the way out. - Escape from awkward questions by taking a holiday
You may have been planning on whisking yourself away to an exotic holiday locale for some time. You're going to be relaxed, chilled, and free as the wind. Why not hand in your notice just before you jet off, and let the fools pick up the pieces? If you do it now it'll be as though you had already quit and the rest of life will be one long holiday. Until you have to start looking for a new job, of course. - Avoid any uncomfortable silences
If there’s someone you know will give you crap during your notice period, try to avoid them. Not in a way that's really really obvious of course. But just swap shifts with other people, work from home if you can, or cower under/in your desk/locker/cardboard box. - Create uncomfortable silences
Or, you know, don’t avoid them. Be confident, show them you’re leaving but still capable of doing the job at hand, and bloody well don’t care what they think. It’s another way of quietly telling them: Fuck you. - Go out with a bang
If you really don't care, or if it’s your last day, give them a really good show. Make sure everyone remembers you, for all the right reasons. Do something you've daydreamed about but ne'er hoped to do. Like doing a backflip off the boss's desk. Yeah. - Use a vuvuzela every day to announce your arrival at work
If they complain, you can tell them that you were merely reminding everyone of your presence and imminent absence, and the sorrow in their hearts. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ - Begin a countdown clock to the final day
Set an alarm to let yourself and everybody else know exactly how long you have left. For you, the ticking of that clock will be as the sweet chirruping of the birds of freedom. For everyone else, it’ll be a bloody pain in the arse. - Wear whatever you want on your last day
What are they going to do? Ask you to go home? When you’re wearing a tux and sweet, sweet ten gallon hat? Madmen! - Give a reason for leaving. But not necessarily a truthful one
If your boss is the reason you’re leaving, and you tell your boss that s/he’s a total knobhead and you hope s/he suffers an irreversible and an painful incident in the near future involving bees and funnels (don’t ask), it might come back to haunt you. So, you could decline to give an answer. Or maybe just make up a reason. They’ll never know the truth, and if they do, why would it matter? - RAGE QUIT
This one isn't always advisable, but if your employer has just pushed you too far, withheld pay, or acted unlawfully, this might not be the worst option. Especially if the boss has been abusive towards you before, too. - Announce your notice/resignation in song/dance
There’s hardly another more enjoyable or dramatic way, without picking a fight at the watercooler. - Bring the Law
Employers don’t always necessarily adhere to the letter of the law. So, go American on their "asses" and take it to court. Who knows, you may be entitled to free cash settlements! - Change all the signage "accidentally"
Why not leave a personal mark on the lives of the people you worked with? Get creative in your final days at work. - Tell them what you think of them, without swearing
You’re entitled to give honest opinion of your boss’s conduct at any point, but you’re probably going to have been too scared, until now. Let it all out, because it’ll be your last chance to do so. Just, maybe, you know, keep it PG. - Write a funny notice letter
Write a novel. Write it in Shakespearean blank verse. Know calligraphy? Go to town. Draw portraits of all of your colleagues in the margin, or just throw in as many bad puns as you can. One way or another, it’s still an official written notice. - If you work with the public, say what you really think
Of course, if you intend to go on to work for another, similar job in the future, you could ruin your prospects, but if this is it, let rip. You are a man-slave no longer. - Drop everything, walk away
You can put in the minimal effort required without being criticised during your notice, and if you have to leave without certain projects being finished, well, that’s not your problem any more. Just try not to flaunt it. - Do literally everything your boss tells you to do. Literally
If you’re told to go get everyone a tea round, go get some tea. Like, dry teabags. Or a cup full of coffee granules. Or bring back the change you were asked to get. In 1p coins. - Give them a slice of karma
Has your boss ever told you that they couldn't help you out with something because it just "wouldn't be professional"? Well, when they ask you to, say, extend your notice period to cover someone’s holiday... tell them the truth: "It just wouldn't be professional to alter a notice period, now would it?"