Federal Agent – Hello I am Joe, and I am with the Bureau Of Past Crimes. May I come in?
Citizen – Sure … I guess … What's wrong?
Federal Agent – The State Department's PR division asked us to look into your past. They said you have been giving the US government a hard time in your blogs and sullying its reputation.
Citizen – I thought I had a Constitutional right of free speech? And don't you need a warrant?
Federal Agent – You certainly do have rights, but know the government has a right to look into your past and charge you with the crimes you have committed. As far as the warrant is concerned, Fred write up a warrant.
Agent Fred – Just printed it up.
Citizen – Do I need a lawyer?
Federal Agent – If you are allowed one, the government will provide it. Fred where is my laptop?
Agent Fred – Right here sir.
Federal Agent – It says right here that you have downloaded over 500 songs from the Internet, what do you have to say for yourself?
Citizen – I never downloaded any songs.
Federal Agent – Did you listen to any songs you didn't pay for?
Citizen – YouTube, but that- --
Federal Agent – They were downloaded into your temporary file space. Did you know that you could be fined up to $150,000 for each song?
Citizen – (About to faint) How did you know?
Federal Agent – It's all in the NSA database, they are very thorough.
Citizen – I thought Congress outlawed the collection of personal data?
Federal Agent – That was overturned by the FISA Court. Now let's get to the matter at hand. I understand you have a problem staying under the speed limit?
Citizen – What makes you say that?
Federal Agent – Do you take your cell phone with you when you travel in the car?
Citizen – Of course.
Federal Agent – Well because it has GPS tracking we record your routes and speeds. Our records show you have accumulated $25,380 in speeding fines just in the last year. If we go back further we can probably find some more revenues.
Citizen – What makes you think I was driving and even had the cell with me?
Federal Agent – Your voice was recorded at the same time. A persons voice is very distinctive you know. It looks like you have cheated on your taxes and owe another $2100.
Citizen – I try very hard to be accurate on my taxes.
Federal Agent – Well you know the three garage sales you had last year, you never reported the income from them. We learned that from your email. I also see that you have a big stash of gold and silver. Fred 6 months ago he talked about a secret compartment under the kitchen sink to the right. Look there.
Agent Fred – Here it is sir. Looks to be about 2 pounds of gold and maybe 5 pounds of silver.
Citizen – That's mine, you have no right.
Federal Agent – Since you have committed fraud with your taxes, property confiscation is certainly within our right. It is called property forfeiture. We do that all the time. Fred contact the department's real estate agent to get the sale of this house ready. Oh, by the way, I believe the Bureau Of Future Crimes will be speaking to you soon.
