Today I want to share something called ''Emotional Blackmail' 'which is related to Psychology that I am actually interested since I was in college instead of sharing my happy traveling image here this time. Recently people (including me) are having some intense moments which trigger some more serious crisis that actually can avoid and stop right away but we fail to do that. It's a good time to contemplate when suffering in miserable situation with emotion and stress , to be honest. Knowing ourselves is part of the path of growing.
What is 'Emotional Blackmail'?
Psychotherapist Susan Forward wrote a book called 'Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You' based on her research and consultations from her clients in her 25 years career life.
'Emotional Blackmail' is a cycle of interaction among different relationships : Fear, obligation or guilt (FOG). Abuser make use of the close relationship that he/she has with the victim so that abuser can get what he/she wants for strengthening his/her power, building up the reputation and get benefits. 'Emotional blackmail' happens in the family, love relationship, or boss to employee etc which are something actually is close to us.
情緒勒索的互動循環牽涉三項非常重要的元素：自我價值感、罪惡感與安全感。我們都身在許多關係裡，他與我們多半是有一定的關係。他可能是我們的上司、屬下、同事，也可能是我們的父母、孩子、親戚、家人，更可能是我們的伴侶、朋友。
How does ''Emotional Blackmail' function in our relationships?
When abusers think that we can't satisfy their needs, they will try to say and do something to make us feel like - ' we are stupid/ we are damaged/ we are too lazy like saying we are just a piece of shxt'. We start hesitating our own abilities and believing what the abusers say which is actually right. Then the victim declines his/her value and try to put abuser's need and feeling in the first place, and slowly lose thr confidence of being yourself.
當情緒勒索者發現你不願意滿足他的需求時，他會使用一些方法，讓你感覺自己的判斷力有問題。甚至，他們會讓你感覺，如果你不按照他的方式做，是你的錯，是因為你的個性有缺陷、判斷能力不夠、太過懶惰、能力不足。他們會使用各種方法，讓你懷疑自己的「感受」是錯的、是自己不對，還會用各種理由美化他們自己的需求，以展現「他們是對的」。
於是，你會感覺自己並不重要，而他們的感受是更重要的。你會在這過程中愈來愈忽略、否定自己的感受。慢慢的，你也會失去自我價值感，產生自我懷疑，對自己將愈來愈沒有信心。
Examples from the book :
From parents: "Everything I do is for your own good."「我做這一切都是為你好啊！」
From friends : "You don’t have to show up. You never take us seriously anyway."「你不用來啊，反正你從來沒有重視過我們。」
From partner: "It doesn’t matter if you come home or not. Your job is more important than anything else." 「沒關係啦，反正你工作比較重要，不回家也沒關係。」
Why does 'Emotional Blackmail' always occur around us?
Susan Forward found out this situation always happens in the closest relationships as I mentioned before. Abuser knows us well. They know that what things are the most important for us. Then abusers overawe us and take away our security that make us fear, insecure and worried. Then victim will try very best to follow what abuser says to get back the feeling of security.
情緒勒索者知道你「最在乎的事情」是什麼，於是他們會威脅你，剝奪你的安全感，讓你覺得不安。情緒勒索者威脅將奪走你的重要事物，讓你感覺焦慮、害怕，於是你只能按照他們的方式做，以求減輕不安與恐懼，「贖回你的安全感」。
When your beloved ones give you some advices for improving and growing, take it and appreciate what they do. However, if there are too much emotion and hard feelings, then we need to take special care of our mental body.
Thanks for reading my post.
Always remember to love yourself :)
