At a point in my life, I clung so tightly to a version of my life that I found comfortable...
I had a vision in my mind on how things were supposed to turn out to be like, the kind of stability I would develop, the speed at which things were expected to grow and even what sort of a person I thought I would become eventually. Not like I wrote it in a diary somewhere, I just kept it in my expectations quietly.
And it seemed to me at the time that all the things were drifting that way.
Until it wasn’t.
I believe that the most difficult thing that I have ever had to release was the control over the way my life is going to unfold.
At one time I was very much engaged in a certain direction. It had taken me time, energy and a great deal of faith. I really thought this was it... this is where things finally come together.
But life has a tendency of derailing some certainties.
At first things began to change gradually. Plans did not go much as I expected. Hard work did not result in outcome as fast as I had expected. And then, slowly, what had seemed solid began to seem unrealistic.
I continued thinking to myself, maybe I just need to work harder. Maybe I wasn’t doing enough. Perhaps, were I a bit more consistent, all would fall right back into place.
So I held on.
Tightly.
However, there comes a time when holding on will begin to weigh more than letting go.
And I didn’t realize that on time.
Rather, it was small things, little bursts of frustration, mental exhaustion.
Things were no longer aligning
First came denial.
Then frustration.
And then there was some sort of silent acceptance which I did not want to be true.
And lastly a change.
I began to pose myself another question.
Not How do I make this work?
But What will become of all the things i have to do?
Something changed with that question.......
Releasing was like letting go of something.
It was not only the situation, but the version of me that was involved in that situation. The one that thought that things would occur in a particular manner. The one that felt in control.
However, simultaneously, releasing also made space.
Space to rethink.
Space to redirect.
Room to develop in a manner that I was not anticipating.
I learnt a lot of things with this experience.. things like
There are times when we fail as we are not ready to believe and accept that things are not in our control.
In retrospect, I do not regret that I did not give up until as late as I did.
In a sense, I had to undergo such a process to have the slightest idea of what it really means to release something.
And it isnt weakness, but consciousness.
Since letting go is not necessarily about giving up.
It is sometimes about not battling reality any more.
these days i still make plans. I continue to strive towards things. I do believe in growing.
But I think I have a bit different opinion now.
Hold on Less tightly and More intentionally.
Life does not necessarily go according to the version we have created in our heads.
And there are times when you just lapse into the idea of not trying to control everything.
…that is when you finally begin to move forward..
