It was a weekend full of sun and pleasant spring-like temperatures in my corner of the world. Both my partner and I, but also our Skipper, got the spring fever. I simply did not want to go inside anymore. Being outside, enjoying the sun, and shaking off the gray winter was on my agenda. Now that I have ended up behind my PC late in the evening, it is time to look for a new weekend engagement.
Two of the 3 immediately stand out as in, "I can do something with this". In the end, the first was easier for me to write than the second, I am simply not good at coming up with lies. And certainly not in lies that are not immediately recognizable. So I will not dare to do that. So ... What emotion do you think you could personally do without and why? How would it improve your life and what challenges would removing it bring?
Like a butterfly spreading its wings, I look for moments of peace, where the world is silent for a moment
Anxiety
If there is one emotion that is a little too present in my life I would say that it is without a doubt Anxiety and the associated Stress. These two emotions have had so much influence on my life, and still do, that the idea of getting rid of them for good sounds like a huge relief. Anxiety and stress often make me insecure about situations that may not seem all that exciting to others, but for me they can be incredibly overwhelming.
What is difficult for me about anxiety and stress is that it often does not even have a specific cause. It is not always clear where these feelings come from. It can happen to me at the most inexplicable moments that I suddenly feel my breathing quicken, that my heart is pounding in my throat, and that my thoughts are going in all directions. The reason for this is not easy to find because it could really be anything. The idea of a job interview. And this may not even be so strange. People quickly think that these are the normal nerves that everyone feels for this. But for me it can be so bad that I turn around halfway through the ride to such a conversation and go home again. Especially if I also have to figure out how to get to that conversation because the road to it is unknown territory for me. Then the chance that I will ever get to the conversation is certainly not 100%. I wish it were different, but unfortunately it is not.
Autism
I have never understood this enormous anxiety myself, and I have always worked hard to get it under control. But when I was finally diagnosed with autism last year, some question marks about myself fell into place. Not that this makes it easier, and I do not suddenly see it differently because of a diagnosis. I still want to get it under control. But I do now understand why I can feel this much more intensely than the average person around me. If you have autism, you often experience that the world around you often offers much more stimuli than you can process. And because you simply cannot process all stimuli, have to get away from them in time, it makes it even more difficult to get those feelings of anxiety and stress under control.
Although I have learned how to avoid certain stimuli to prevent myself from feeling overwhelmed, such as avoiding busy places or situations where I cannot escape, it remains a challenge to also handle that anxiety and stress. It is not something that you can just switch off, even if you know that there is no direct reason for it. It affects the way I see the world, even in situations that may be very normal to others.
Even Simple Things
Even something as simple as going out to do some photography somewhere can become quite a challenge. It is not even the activity itself, on the contrary! I love taking pictures, that is clear. But to get where I want to be, that is a terrible challenge. You can imagine that when I still accepted assignments in photography, this was also a huge challenge. And again, it wasn’t the photography itself, but everything that goes with it: the expectations of others, the unpredictability of what can happen, the anxiety that something will go wrong or that I won’t be able to present myself well enough. It made the experience much more complicated than it should be, and this was partly the reason why I stopped taking commissioned photographs.
What helps me is that over the years I have learned to find more peace in certain situations. I now know better how to adapt my environment and when to stop going on, but that doesn’t always make the anxiety and stress less intense. They often come up uninvited, and it takes a lot of energy to suppress or reduce them.
It's Very Limiting
What I would most like is for these emotions to no longer dominate my life. I no longer have to constantly think about how I can avoid situations so that I don’t get lost in that anxiety or stress. Because even if I manage to avoid stimuli, the underlying anxiety remains, and that limits me at many moments.
It would bring so much peace to be able to let go of those feelings once and for all. Unfortunately, I know that it will probably never go away completely, but a life without it would certainly be a relief. It would give me the freedom to enjoy the moment more, without the constant worry about what could go wrong. Maybe I could even enjoy the simple idea of going somewhere without planning everything in my head beforehand.
Hope
For now, I keep working on ways to find more peace, even though it often takes a lot of energy. And although anxiety and stress may always be a challenge for me, I keep trying to get them under control. And I keep hoping that I can eventually find that peace, so that I can do the things I love, without those emotions always getting in the way.