At the first sonar, our obgyn showed us a little speck and said, “Congratulations! That’s the baby right there!” and all that went through my head was, That’s it? This is going to be easy peasy! But then we heard the steady heart beat for the first time and my blood ran cold with fear. This is going to be a whole mini human with its own needs and wants and personality.
Our next appointment was a little over a month later and seeing that already perfectly formed little body made me fall so in love. After all the antenatal appointments, each time saying a small prayer that she’s 100%, you’d think the realisation would sink in properly, but my fears of being an unfit mother became stronger and I constantly needed reassurance from my man that I would do okay.
Everywhere I went, all I saw around me were mommies and babies – and goodness! Did these moms look like they were owning it! So out of fear of not knowing enough or whatever, I started researching every single detail about becoming a mom. I listened to other moms who told gruesome stories of their births and first months of having a baby at home. Sleepless nights, nauseating nappies, endless days of nursing, hours of trying to figure out why baby is crying – honestly, they made it sound like a curse. So I stopped listening, took some time out from researching and started focusing on each individual day of my pregnancy.
The result?
Dear Doubt,
I allowed you to take over my instincts, my confidence, my abilities. I felt like I would be an inadequate mother. I allowed you to place fears in my brain through other people’s stories.
Doubt, I have prepared our baby girl’s nursery and the house is ready for the day she decides to make an appearance.
I have confidence that I’ll be able to bond sufficiently with my daughter, that I’ll be able to nurse her, that eventually I’ll figure out why she’s crying, that I’ll be there to console her through tears and tough times, that I’ll be there to pick her up when she falls, that I’ll kiss better her scraped knees and that she will always have everything she needs. I already love this baby girl more than I thought I could love anyone or anything in the whole wide world.
The most important thing a parent can do for their children is to pray – I know I can do this.
Doubt, dearest Doubt, I’ve got this.
Sincerely,
A First Time Mommy
