For many years I asked myself the question, who am I? Eventually, I came to understand myself to be an avatar, composed and programmed autonomously through the human experience and day to day interactions with environmental stimuli, but tweaked, modded, analysed and interpreted through a conscious observer.
It seemed a profound breakthrough at the time. I had felt that as a result of now understanding the observer's innate ability to rewrite the data inherited from my environment, that I would soon be able to make remarkable changes to myself and to my reality.
And yet it didn't take me long at all to realise that any changes that were occurring through this epiphany, were minor at best. At least in comparison to the changes I believed I was hoping for. It was at this point that I realised, I had it wrong. The analysing, and the interpreting, were not traits of the observer at all. The entire intellect and logical approach to understanding was in fact yet another piece of code I had adopted through the experiences in my life.
For a time I was lost. I meditated constantly, attempting to find an answer to who or what I was, and what power I had to decide upon anything at all. And then one afternoon, in the midst of a very deep meditation session, I knew. I do not know how long my mind had been without thought, but a moment of awareness arose where I knew I had the power to decide upon whether to stop meditating, or whether to continue. There was no language, in terms of thinking, that presented this notion to me. It was an awareness of my ability to choose that involved entirely no linguistic communication between any sections of my mind. A simple knowing it was, and in this moment I understood that I was not merely an observer, destined to endure a journey I had no control over. I knew in that beautiful second that I was the decider, capable of choosing left of right at every fork in my life's journey.
From that day forth I sought to understand the nature of language. I realised that just as a computer code can be written in a number of languages, so too can the human mind learn many forms of it. But anything one has learned, through language or impressions, is of course a type of code imprinted upon the mind as a computer engineer writes a code into a program. Through the human experience, we learn many languages that take a life of their own within the mind, becoming autonomous running programs that each work towards a specific task. It was in this realisation that I finally understood who I was not.
Our DNA is a form of language that contains the information necessary to function our avatars - the human body. Our bodies therefore, are most certainly not us. The languages we learn, through words and symbols, actions and sound, are not us. Anything at all constructed of any form of language, is simply data used to compose and direct our mind and our bodies. It is not us, but simply what we carry with us.
I know now that I am an observer, and that the purpose of my observation and experience is to choose. I'm also now aware, that to exercise free will, and to decide for myself, I must elevate my perspective above the language protocols that exist within me, making decisions of their own.
My ability to choose for myself is dependent upon my ability to think without the use of language. This is a skill that I am still in the process of mastering, but that I have made much progress with in the recent months.
It was through this means of choosing that I decided to use my time to share with others what I have come to believe about the nature of choice and of existence. Through my words, I ironically hope that you and that others can come to observe the constricting nature of language, and become a decider exercising your free will in a world where many do not.
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