"This Is A Call For Help, The Story And The Goals I Have.
Wow. I don't even know where to begin. I have long been fighting for a chance to go back to School. With previous applications being overlooked and denied, I finally made it. - I got in!
The transition from being a full time freelancer to become a full time student is huge. From being my own boss who creates my own schedules and decides my own working hours, to become a full time student with classes and teachers... It's almost unbelievable, but it has become a reality.
Someone told me recently that you have to tell the universe out loud what you're looking for... And even though this is far from the "normal" me, I will in this article do just that. This is a call for help, the story behind it all and the goals I have.
The Story:
I have shared many of these things in prior posts and I don't want to bother you with an immensely deep story filled with tears and a roller coaster ride of emotions and suffering... But I promised to share the story and that's what I will do.
The truth is, that I have been living with panic attacks, a huge depression and anxiety for several years. My social life took a huge blow, my daily routines and my life got weird and awkward and I struggled to get out of bed for a long time. I have tried a wide variety of medications and I've talked to several therapists and psychologists.
I have lost friends due to my behaviour (illness) and due to their lack of understanding. Many others would have said compassion instead of understanding, but I have never asked for compassion. I have begged people to understand. I have tried to explain and I've done so many things to make people aware of my situation... Often without much success.
I have been ashamed and I have tried to live my life just as I did prior to my illness, but take it from someone who've been suffering for a long time. It's not that easy and you would never say: "It's just cancer, get over it."
I was just like you. I was "normal" (whatever normal is). But I also suppressed all my feelings for a long period of time. My father was sick for a long time. He had multiple heart attacks and a cerebral hemorrhage, but he kept going. He still went to work and he still went to the store. However, no matter how strong my father was, I was living in fear for a long period of time. My childhood was awesome and both my parents was amazing... My mother still is.
My father was my idol. He was crazy, funny and awesome in every single aspect. But he was also stubborn and he was never sick. Fever didn't stop him from going to work. Even after his first heart attack, he went to work only 2 days after.
He had to stay home for 5 days after his second heart attack and after his cerebral hemorrhage he was at the hospital for 4 days. When he got home again, he stayed at home for 2 days and went straight back to work again.
All of these things made me live in fear.
I was afraid that he suddenly wouldn't be "invincible" and that he would die. This went on for several years and in December 2012, he suddenly passed away at home, right in front of me. I stood there and I couldn't do a single thing about it. I felt terrible and I still, even to this day often blame myself for what happened. Even though I know it wasn't my fault. But I feel bad and I blame myself because I couldn't revieve him. I couldn't bring him back to life... And I lost my dearest friend, my role model and my father.
At the time, I was about to start a construction education so I imprisoned all my feelings, emotions and my grief. Much like I had did many times before. I did that because I felt the need to be strong. I had to be strong for the sake of my mother and for the sake of my education. I locked away everything went my education and I finished School with good grades. The last week in School, before the graduation, I was hit by my first panic attack.
Such a horrifying feeling, out of nowhere struck me as a lightning bolt and I was certain that I would die. I couldn't breathe. I felt pain in my chest, in my heart and I knew I had an heart attack. I knew I was about to die within a few seconds and all the anxiety, pain and the fear reached sky high levels. My mother called an ambulance and I don't remember much after that. That whole scenario is blurry and I don't want to think about it. It frightens me.
After several weeks and months of anxiety, panic attacks, different pills, chest pain and medical tests such as EKG, (Electrocardiography), it stood clear. I suffered from a severe panic attack.
A panic attack is the abrupt onset of intense fear or discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes and includes at least four of the following symptoms: Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate. Sweating. Trembling or shaking. Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering. Source
After months of the above, including depression and a rollercoaster ride of mixed feelings and loss of friends and struggles in my daily life... I had talked to many therapists and psychologists. I had tried a wide variety of medications and sleeping pills and all of these things were "built up" things that suddenly expressed themselves in the ways they do.. All as a results of living in fear and imprisoning my feelings for years.
I still struggle and suffer from these things to this day, but with years of experience and suffering, I have also learned to handle things better and a little bit easier.
The Goals I Have:
This education is something I want for many reasons. I want to study health and social care and focus on mental illness. I strive to work as a treatment assistant and I would love to focus on teenagers.
I am 32 years old and I have suffered from mental illness for many years. I see this education as a chance to "self heal" but also to get an even better understanding and to help others. I have been in desperate need of help and I have felt abandoned and alone. I have experienced similar things as many others and I want to use my experience and my suffering to heal the world and help others to live their lives to the fullest. I want to make a difference and if I can help one single person to feel better, it's all been worth it.
I feel bound to be a pillar of support. I truly want to spread my wisdom, my life experience and my story to aid, support and help others... And I am certain that my passion is strong enough to accomplish this. I will never be able to help everyone, but I can help someone.
And that brings me to the call for help. I want your help so I can help others.
The Call For Help:
I wish I could just start to study, but I haven't been dealt that hand. I cannot change the cards I've been dealt but I can change how I play the hand. And that is why I am asking you for help. I have witnessed so many great things happen on Steemit during my 21 months here and I hope that you can find it in your hearts to once again help a fellow Steemian. This is my call for help. I ask you to help me so that I can help others.
Due to my previous education, I have student debts. I have to pay the debt back before I get eligible a new student loan and I cannot afford to study without student loans.
My total debt is: ~$3000.
At the time I'm writing this, that equates to ~800 SBD. (SBD = $3.73)
This is obviously a huge amount of money and I have been trying to save as much money as possible for a long period of time already. I have approximately $1000 so I need about $2000 more to pay off this entire debt.
I could power down, as my Steemit account is worth approximately ~$3100, but that would mean that the 
I could also start to buy a ton of votes from the wide variety of bid bots, but I don't want to ruin the chances for others in the same bid rounds by placing maximum bids. My goal is to encourage, inspire and motivate those around me, so I cannot allow myself to act selfish and greedy. So that's out of the question.
As the education starts 2018-03-19, this gives me only 14 days to accomplish this, and instead of doing the things I've mentioned above... I ask you for help.
What Can You Do?
A Resteem and/or upvote would mean a great deal to me in terms of exposure and rewards. If you consider to upvote this post, I would obviously appreciate if you would consider to upvote it with more weight than your initial thought. (A higher percentage vote).
Any form of donations is obviously very much appreciated too and it would help me to reach this amount faster. Once again, thank you very much for all the amazing support, the fantastic encouraging comments during my entire time on Steemit and thank you for reading this. Thank you!
Application Approved!
A book I need to buy before I start.
Help Me To Help Others.
All It Takes Is An Upvote.
Thank You Very Much For All The Support!