It is often takes the loss of our first friend or loved one to really experience the range of emotions associated with grief and loss. One moment we are laughing about a fond memory, the next angry, and then tearful and sad about the loss. The process of dealing with a death is as individual as we are; however, it is important to note that there are some common grief stages which we may all experience.
Here are the stages and some ways to deal with them:
Denial: Denial is usually one of our first reactions to a loss, and an immediate defense mechanism to help us deal with it. Denial can initially help us cope with the shock of the news and many overwhelming thoughts which can occur when thinking about a death. Common phrases experienced with denial can be “this can’t be happening” or “this can’t be real.”
Anger: This is a difficult stage, and one not commonly discussed, as being angry is often unpleasant and uncomfortable for others around us. Anger can be directed towards ourselves, others, even those who are trying to help or offer condolences, or the deceased. It is not uncommon to look for someone to blame. Recognizing that this is a stage of grief and trying to be supportive to someone going through the anger stage is important. Try an approach that is validating, but also logical instead of emotional. You may recognize this stage with phrases like, “This isn’t fair!", or “Why is this happening to our family?”
Bargaining: In this stage, we are grappling with the idea that we do not have control over the inevitable. We may fantasize or pray for more time with the lost loved one. Phrases like, “I would give my right arm for more time” or “I will be a better person for one more year” are common. It is important to note that in non-death related events, this stage may look slightly different and involve attempts at negotiation or compromise. For example, in a job loss situation, an individual may try to compromise with their boss to get their job back.
Depression: Depression and sadness often accompany death and losses, and this is the stage, to some degree, that we are all the most familiar with and expect. We may cry and feel sad, we may also feel a lack of energy and motivation to engage with others. Although this stage is uncomfortable, it does mean that we have accepted the loss. Remember, crying is dealing with death and loss. The time in this stage varies for everyone; sometimes the people making funeral and memorial service arrangements may not reach this phase until after the services. Consult a mental health provider if this stage persists and functioning does not slowly increase over time following a loss.
Acceptance: This stage is different for everyone, and may be the most difficult to conquer. Many people are uncomfortable with acceptance because they are concerned that acceptance with the death is not congruent with missing someone or honoring their memory. A sign that someone has reached acceptance may be a willingness to talk about the person in a variety of contexts without getting caught up in with sadness. It is important to note that acceptance can come and go, and going back into an earlier stage is possible, especially around an anniversary of the loss or reminder of the individual.
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross originally identified these stages for death and dying, but it is important to note that there are other times when these stages can occur after other both positive and negative life events, like divorce, job loss or a new baby.
Having an awareness of these stages can be helpful in many aspects of life and death. Individuals who are dying also go through these stages and may act them out in various ways.