Why is it that the term 'Emotional' is so often associated with negative emotions such as loneliness and sadness?
You just don't hear someone say "She's must be feeling emotional again, she's been walking around with that smile on her face all day"
This is part 2 of a 3 part special 
Question Of The Week about emotions.
I am the type of person who wears my heart on my sleeve.
In recent years, the term empath has become a popular one that I seem to tick the box for. But I do have a rebellious side and don't like to put labels on myself.
I care deeply about people, the planet and how people are feeling. I like to help people who are feeling upset or in tough situations. There's this little driving force inside me that just says it feels right to be kind and helpful. I enjoy listening to other people.
For a long time I felt confused about who I was, how I should react to situations. I felt embarrassed easily and would hide away because the embarrassment was so intense. When I look back it was because I was so worried about what others thought of me that I would think that everyone disliked me if I didn't do what pleased them. Unfortunately this was just a side effect of growing up with an insecure mother who also worried about what others thought of her. I think I used to keep my emotions built up inside me.
My channel for release was playing the piano. It's amazing the power of the minor keys and chords to express sadness. I also wrote poetry which my teacher likened to Sylvia Plath. It was often about escaping in some form and very dark in nature. I found it difficult to vocalize how I was feeling. Perhaps due to being brought up at the end of the 'children should be seen and not heard' generation. So I grew up concealing my feelings and not really knowing how to talk about them.
Out of the frying pan and straight into the fire is where I hopped. I spent my 20's feeling very confused and conflicted. Everything in my heart contradicted what I was being told to feel. Emotional abuse sucks and is confusing. It makes us feel worthless. It further stops us from understanding how we are feeling, constantly putting us in victim mode, scared what the next move will be. Like a pawn in a game of chess. You have literally no control over your emotions because that is reserved for the one who dominates the relationship. You are only allowed to feel what they want you to feel. It affects your decision making skills, parenting and self esteem.
The one thing I have learned from all of this is that I can now say how I am feeling, I still struggle at times and unfortunately some of the traits of the abusers have rubbed off on me. I am conscious of this and at times where I start to repeat the sentences they used on me I stop, reevaluate and try to react to difficult situations in a different way. I have been making a conscious effort over the last few years to vocalize any problems I have so they don't build up into a ticking time bomb.
For a long time and even sometimes now still, I doubt my ability to make good decisions in case it upsets someone else or that it will be wrong. But who will it be wrong for? This is what I am learning. To TRUST MY OWN DECISIONS I used to stop doing things I loved because my mom or my ex would tell me all the negative things that could happen if I did them.
A few years ago I wrote a status on FB shortly after I separated from my girls' dad.
"Sometimes in life you have to take the good with the bad, follow your heart and trust your inner strength to know that the decisions you make are, for all intent and purpose, the best ones."
I guess my subconscious mustered that up into reality to tell me what I already knew but couldn't act upon.
It's an ongoing process but the healing is happening. I can feel that I have become more positive over the last 7 years. I accept things more easily and can move on. I have escaped from the 'victim' mentality. If things don't go according to plan I have learned to trust that that is the plan and no longer try to force anything. I am also able to express how I feel. I am still a 'big softy' and wear my heart on my sleeve. I feel a lot, things upset me. Things that I feel powerless to change single-handed, which is perhaps why I'm a big believer in the power of collective consciousness.
Parenting and Emotions
Parenting in an emotionally abuse relationship can be exhaustive. Not only are you confused about your own emotions but you also are trying to raise tiny humans who are learning from us. Unfortunately the emotional abuse has affected both my girls. Now I'm not attributing blame to my ex for this. I am just as responsible. Hear me out on this because I'm not just writing this in the hopes that I will receive sympathy in the comment section telling me 'it wasn't your fault'. I accept it wasn't my fault. I know that. But I do feel there were things I could have done differently. Just like I quietly let me ex walk all over me, I did the same with my girls. I think perhaps I also wanted a quiet life triggered by my dislike of conflict. I've always tried to be a gentle parent and perhaps the fact that I wasn't in an emotionally stable place led to the giving in and giving up instead of sharing and talking with my girls to allow them to understand their own emotions.
The problem for me is that I love my children so much and the thought of hurting them or their feelings is unbearable for me. This has led me to have some sticky situations and battles of will which I really find hard to deal with. Maybe partly because I was young when I had them and that childishness reflected in my parenting. Who knows.
All I know now is that I am picking up the pieces of the emotional abuse trail. Trying to desperately sticky tape all the broken bits. It is for that reason that I try so damn hard to make sure my boys and my 13 year old grow up with the love and respect they deserve. That they understand their emotions. Even my eldest who is almost 18. She's had a tough time but she knows that we are there for her. For emotional support. Even though she lives away from home.
I guess I am doing something right. My 5 year old is really good at telling my how he feels. He can quite comfortably come to me and say,
"Ugh mom I'm feeling really angry with Brandon because he keeps jumping on me" or "I feel really sad when Samara shouts at me." He will even try to cheer people up when they are feeling sad.
That's not to say he doesn't express his extreme emotions. But one thing we do is talk about why or what is making him feel that way.
My 3 year old on the other hand is at the age where boundaries are tested to the extreme. He is able to express his feelings by telling us.
"Mommy I feel really sad when Samara won't let me play in her room".
Perhaps it's the Taurus in him that creates the bull in a china shop attitude. I am finding it quite challenging but my partner and I try to remain as calm as possible with him. The other thing is persistence is key. This is something I am working on as I do tend to give up and give in still at times. More from exhaustion than anything else.
If there is a problem, we accept responsibility for our actions and look for solutions to make things better. We aren't perfect and I'd be lying if I said we were. Occasionally we yell or cry; both the adults and kids alike. But where we do things right is in saying sorry.
" I am sorry I hurt your feelings. What can I do to make it right?"
But aside from the difficulties this is a house where love sits quite comfortably at the table. We openly express trust and acceptance in terms of love and affection. Lots of cuddle time and laughter exists here.
So I guess to conclude, I am open about my emotions but I do sometimes find it hard to express them in words. That doesn't mean I act on my emotions it just means that I am aware they exist and try to be mindful how the negative ones affect me and others around me. I try hard not to project onto others too. I accept responsibility for how I am feeling and try not blame others.
I am a generally happy person and full of love. I would rather find a way to be kind to someone and talk things through tactfully if I feel challenged or upset. I no longer worry about how others perceive me. I don't go out of my way to hurt anyone or be mean. I live my life the way I want to live it. I am happy. Life throws all sorts of obstacles at us. It's just important to remember we have a choice on how we react to them. We aren't perfect machines all programmed to respond in the same way. What affects one person will have little difference on another and it is that fundamental understanding that will help us grow to be more compassionate towards others.
~ONE LOVE~
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