Growing up, I was never allowed to behave other than as a "lady." Prior to age 10, I did not identify as female. When I was 10, my breasts began to grow and my body changed. I hated being a woman. I wanted to be a man. I stuffed my shorts and wore backwards ball caps to appear male. In my dreams, I was male. It was disorienting to wake up in a woman's body day after day.
In my home, gender conformity was met with rigid expectation. I was mocked and punished when I did not conform. I learned quickly not to share my gender confusion. I made my dressing as a man seem like a game I was playing, a silly schtick by a sill girl. I learned also not to share my equal attraction to men and women.
While I happily identify as female as an adult, I am sad I never explored my sexuality before this point. Much of the anxiety and depression I suffered might have been avoided. Then again, queerness brings new pressures to the table. Steemit is the first place I have shared my sexuality. I was pleased by the support I received. I was frightened by the religious contingent who were anxious to tell me I am wrong.
This is not a criticism. I do wish for a more embracing world. I understand and respect difference.
My family does not know my about my sexuality. I only told my mother recently that I grew up gender fluid and that I went through it all alone because she was (and still is) so adamant it is a sin against God. We are talking about a woman who thumped me with a Bible and publicly shamed me numerous times. My home was physically and emotionally abusive. I keep as much distance from it as I can without sacrificing ties to my siblings' children. I will absolutely be cut off from them since my siblings choose to stay close to and under the thumb of abuse. I have been cut off before.
I like having a place I can share this without it coming back to them (hopefully). I will share and deal with them on my own terms when I am ready. It has taken years to accept myself. It will take time before I am willing to lay that acceptance bare for my abusers to rip apart.
For now, I am happy to have "practice" sharing in this space where every type of mind meets. Have any of you had experience sharing your LGBT stories?