I currently consider myself to be fluid in my sexuality. I hate to say that I don't like labels because it seems like something very cliché to say, but I mostly am okay to identify myself as being gay or queer. It's something that is very explicitly expected to say nowadays, but some people get really into specifics.
I've taken a significant amount of queer courses at the university level and even almost majored in queer studies. Yes, it's an actual major and more universities are offering programs. In fact, San Diego State University has a great program and I happened to have studied at a different college but with the same tenacity. One of my queer studies professors, is often seen making the rounds in TV news shows when an LGBT issue is in the spotlight. I'm only saying this to justify my way of thinking towards labels and identifying as fluid, gay, or queer.*
Anyhow,
seduction has always been prevalent in my life. At least, after the weird teenage years I faced, it became sort of a game. A game that would often just trigger questions like: Is this really happening to me? Are they even into me? Am I just misinterpreting all these signs? Is this going to be a disappointment? Is this really going to go down?
All these thoughts have come to my mind when I randomly happen to cross paths with someone that I'm attracted to and feel they are attracted to me too.
It's happened to me while driving, walking, running, being in public transportation, and being just anywhere.
Being a member of a minority, both ethnically speaking and sexually, really makes these unique seductive connections more profound. In fact, these connections can often be misinterpreted and can cause some stress or even embarrassment in one's life.
One of my first attempts at seduction, was a big fail. I was in high school and there was a really attractive foreign exchange boy that I was very interested in. He was from Denmark and I believe his name was something like Christian Widerman. We had a great connection and chemistry. We got along very well and we laughed constantly. He was transferred to a different school nearby and we remained friends and tried constantly to meet with each other as much as possible.
Well, Christian was going to leave in the end of the semester and I decided that I was going to tell him that I was attracted to him before he would leave. This way, he would know that I was attracted to him and we would be able to do something together before he left. Also, if he didn't feel the same then he would soon leave and it wouldn't be my issue anymore.
I emailed him and let him know about my feelings by basically telling him that I thought I was attracted to guys. I never mentioned him in particular. I just told him that I thought I was attracted to guys. Needless to say, when we met again I brought it up and he simply said "oh, I've known people like that and there's nothing wrong with it."
He left the next day and we never saw the stars together at night and held each other how I envisioned it. Perhaps, I misunderstood his demeanor and fashion sense because of his European background and attitude.
Nevertheless, my luck has been getting significantly better throughout the years and today I felt a sort of seduction spark. Perhaps, I was reading too much into it and nothing will probably come of it. The feeling was very thrilling and something I haven't felt in awhile.
I went to a liquor store that is a few blocks away to purchase two beers for my Brother and me. The store was recently renovated and has a new owner who usually works there along with another employee. The new owner is really attractive Middle-Eastern guy. I've seen him maybe about six times. I've never have tried to flirt with him or even remotely let him know I'm LGBT or whatever. I haven't really felt attractive in awhile and this town is very small. Also, I don't think my sexuality is anyone's business and I'm often blinded by what people would consider gaydar.
I guess I do have some kind of gaydar but it has also disappointed me in the past and flat out failed me.
Nonetheless , as I got into the store the owner started to walk by the side towards the back of the store. I went a different route and went straight to look at the ice cold refrigerated beer.
I was just browsing looking at the prices and types of beer, when I noticed a person was on the other side, behind the beer, just starting at me. It was the attractive owner. I immediately just froze and pretended to browse at other beer nearby. I pretended that I didn't notice him staring at me.
I often don't try to flirt with others when I don't feel I'm in the same level as them, I'm not interested, or I just don't think nothing will come of it.
Anyhow, I quickly grabbed two beers and headed towards the front of the store to pay. An employee was taking care of the cash register, while the owner was in the back as the owner usually handles the cash register. There was a person in front of me, so I just waited for a minute.
My turn came along and the employee asked me for Identification. I got my ID and handed it to him. He looked slightly baffled. Obviously, I'm over 21 and have been for awhile and still can look extremely young to some people. The owner came from the back and then got behind the register as the other employee was looking at my ID. The employee told the owner "what do you think?"
The owner looked sheepishly and said "it's fine, he's older than me." He almost made me laugh out loud as he took over the register from the employee.
He quickly rang me up and as he handed my change back he explicitly looked intently straight into my eyes with this slightly crooked smirk. If he was a child, I would of defined his smirk as mischievous if that. However, he just looked so perfect, handsome and daring.
It really made me lose my breathe and I quickly felt like a deer infront of headlights. Perhaps, he made his way to the front after seeing me selecting the beer (is all I could think). I became very nervous as he looked at me so intensely. I hurried and got my bag and said "thanks, I really appreciate it" and left.
I couldn't get him out of my head. In fact, I even mentioned to my relative about how the employee there didn't think my ID was real and how the owner was the hero of the day.
The fact that I find the owner very sexy is also very thrilling. I haven't felt a spark like this in a long time and it makes my mind just wonder. I feel like I want to be a better person just because of that look he gave me. I felt attractive again. Somehow, it gave me an ounce of confidence that I hadn't had in such a long time.
It really amazes me how sometimes things so small can make such big impact in your life. My liquor store experience really made my day so much better. I really had lost so much confidence, awhile back, and I was okay with that, but today that confidence emerged.
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