He found someone else. He took her to the places that were ours alone. Memories that belonged to us alone, he's re-writing them with someone else. He's creating a different dream with someone else...not me. I hate him! I feel so sad. I want to be that person...and I ask myself "why can't I be?"
Who do I tell how I am feeling now? Everyone knows him, they'll all hate him if I tell. I still don't want them to hate him.
I look at him and don't see a man anymore. I see a weak, self-centered bastard and I am angry. He didn't live up to my expectations. He's a liar and a cheat. I want to hurt him the way I am hurting. Crying in hiding, in corners, bathroom stalls, walking down the street, riding the train. Strangers are staring at my red eyes and wonder what's wrong with her? Once and a while I make eye contact. A man in his fifties, weathered by work and life, looks at me. He sees the pain, his gaze softens as if he knows my story. He's been there. He nods his head. The tears fall harder, I walk away.
I can't make eye contact with anyone. They'll know once they see my eyes.
I went to the beach.
I walked in the water hoping to feel warmth.
I wanted to forget, to play, to feel free.
A wave knocked me down.
I lost my glasses...now everyone can see my eyes.
When I look at other couples doing the little things, I think, that would have been nice to do with him. Some couples are so in tune with each other...I want that too. Some never seem to get on the same page, and they don't care, they love each other anyway and thrive on being different. Other couples have taken and created their relationship - they are used to each other or gotten to know each other well. It makes me think, what didn't he understand about me? What does she understand about him that I don't? Why can't I understand him?
It starts small with little pin pricks of misunderstanding. The pin pricks are the tiniest of holes that love seeps through and out...