An alien equivalent of a lawyer is studying up on various human court cases and stumbles upon a series of cases from family courts dated up to the mid 2030s citing "deviant sexual attitudes" or "deviant sexuality" as reasons for being an unsuitable parent. Upon consultation with its human liaison as to the nature of these cases, the alien discovers the murky and dark legal situations around kinks. -- Anon Guest
For those seeking further proof of Human Insanity, look no further than their legal records. -- Common saying amongst the Legistrar Major.
Darael was studying up for Xenolegal history, and had wound up on a wiki walk into the deepest of deep labyrinths. Humanity was like a train wreck. Fascinating from a distance, but horrifying at close range. Everyone knew the one about the hot coffee, but some of these...
Humanity - a species not naturally inclined to mate for life, invented marriage as a means of cementing relationships between polities via familial alliances. Then they traditionalised it. Then they invented divorce as a means of sundering those alliances. Often messily, loudly, and with numerous parties dragging others through the mud in the process, because property ownership was often tied solely to one gender. Which was clearly a messed up way of arranging things.
Reading through the individual cases was an education in seeking out the flimsiest excuses, the most outlandish excuses, and the most ludicrous excuses to separate from a partner and win all the tokens in the process. All in the interests of any children produced during the union or, in the case of 'lightning round' marriages[1], division of the total property and holdings value. Those battles could get truly bitter. No holds were barred, no strategy deemed too vile for the other to use.
Nobody knew how to fight like Humans did. Nobody could get competitive like Humans did.
Proof positive, the dirt that either party dragged into the light in order to win. Disgusting habits were just the beginning. Infidelity, cruelty, abusive behaviour were pretty much standard. Yet when it came to 'deviant sexual conduct'...
Nobody could be perverse like Humans, either.
Picture, if you will, the most violently abhorrent thing that one adult Human could do to another. Magnify it with assorted twists as far as your imagination could go. It's odds-evens that there is more than one Human who happens to enjoy that sort of thing as a side-order to sex.
As far as Darael was concerned, what consenting adults did with each other was their business. Rational communication of desires physical and emotional were the cornerstones of healthy relationships. That, and those who turned their proclivities towards the immature not only never deserved custody ever, but could also die in a fire for preference.
Nevertheless, these ancient Humans could use any excuse to use imagined dirt for a win. Sometimes when they merely wished to win so that the other side would be emotionally hurt more, or to sabotage the other by forcing child support payments.
The things they did before the advent of parenting licenses...
The things they did before relationship compatibility testing...
Darael boggled at another one. Apparently, one partner liked dressing up in a cartoon ocelot costume and playing at being animals with other people dressed up in cartoon animal costumes. This was, apparently, deviant sexual behaviour despite the costume-wearing partner's insistence that they never used the costume for sex. According to the transcripts, it was also evidence of a clear and present danger to the children and a need for the accused partner to pay for therapy as well as support.
Darael shut that particular tome, stretched, and checked the clock. Time flew when one's mind was boggled. Ze wrote in hir notes, These Humans are crazy.
[1] Those very occasional statistical outliers of relationships where the wedded parties separate after less than a month or two. The shortest marriage duration at the time of this writing is a seconds-long marriage sundered by the groom because his new wife wanted to keep her job source.
[Image (c) Can Stock Photo / titipong]
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