"Hi, I'm Pib! As a kid, hell, as a TODDLER, I gained a... bit of a reputation. Sadly, it's not unusual for human toddlers to sometimes have a kill count it seems. Anyhow, I'm here to teach you how to handle human toddlers aboard your vessels. So if your human friends have kids, you know how to be safe, and make sure things are safe for the kids, too!" -- Anon Guest
Parenting, according to Humans, is the act of preventing the wild little beast you put into your house from annihilating themself or others. Anyone who's seen a Human parental 'childproofing' their habitat would have to agree.
The instant a Human neophyte can move on their own, they explore. Which is where the danger comes in.
Some of the things they explore are: "Is that food?", "What's that feel like?", "Can I climb that?", and "Can I put this in that?"
Ninety percent of parenting a Human infant is stopping them from exploring those avenues of curiosity, especially when it's dangerous. When the infant learns to walk, they become a toddler, and twice as dangerous because they can carry things from one place to another.
Some toddlers are very clever in very specific areas. Like, how to escape their safe containment zone, how to bypass regular security arrangements, or how to use rudimentary tools. Human parentals do their best to prevent this becoming a ship- or station-wide disaster. The assorted assemblies of space pirates never had such forethought.
Because who else but Humans would bring their young on a potentially dangerous journey through space?
Supervised toddlers nearly cause disasters with one minute's worth of adult distraction. Unsupervised toddlers have nearly decimated entire stations, and not merely with their range of skills.
Owing to their proximity to often-neglected surfaces, toddlers are also disease vectors with little knowledge of how to protect others from their pathogens. One sneeze can infect a station or decimate a crew.
If you find an unattended Human neophyte anywhere... First, be sure you have adequate protection. Notify security whether or not you have adequate protection. Second, scan and identify the child via their Diminished Responsibility Locator bracelets and anklets. If the child has none, and you are on a station or ship, that is definite cause for alarm. A scan should also notify you of the child's allergies or sensitivities. The Neophyte Temptation App should inform you of appropriate treats to lure the child with. Even crawling Humans understand the words 'cookie', 'sweet', or 'treat'. You may offer juice or milk, depending on the NTA's data. Only then may you lure the child to an ERT booth where you can contact experts regarding proper care and handling of the child.
Under no circumstances: allow the child to cough, sneeze, or yawn while directly facing your breathing apparatus. Do not directly touch any sticky surface on or near the child. Do not touch anything leaking from the child. Gently replace any tools in the child's possession with any NTA identified safe object. Once again, do not directly touch any sticky surface on said tool.
Trust the experts. They have had training.
[Photo by Sven Brandsma on Unsplash]
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