This is the columns that answers the tough, philosophical questions in life. After tackling the libertarian way to bench-press, lets adjust our monocles and raise a glass to ned and dantheman, who can probably afford a better vintage then we do.
But, oh wise and knowledgeable one, you may ask, how should I do that? How can I order a bottle of the nectar of the vines without looking like an unsophisticated pleb?
Well you are in the right place for such existential dilemmas. First of all, you should go to a venue that serves such a fine beverage. A wine bar or decent restaurant. After that, relax and just don't overdo it. There are people in such places who's main function is to provide you with the victuals.
You may be fortunate enough to receive some sort of written word, a list of such beverages. Should you look at the list and not recognize anything, don't panic. There are probably millions of wines out there, you cannot know them all. And millions of people who don't know the millions of wines, so you are not alone.
So what can you do? As with all such things, fake being calm and self assured and pick something, a grape or region you know, something that sounds interesting or, loath as I am to ask directions, talk to the establishment personal - the sommelier foremost, or someone else should you go to a venue without a dedicated wine connoisseur, like poor people do.
After selecting a bottle, the waiter will hopefully bring it to you and open it with such tools as required. Maybe even decant it if the wine and place are suitable. When that happens, resist the idea of doing something profoundly silly like smelling the cork. One would presume the waiter will not give you a corked wine, and anyway one whiff of the glass will let you know if this is the case. The waiter will pour some for you to taste - most decent ones do.
When you taste, take a smell and maybe a small sip to see if the wine is in any way defective. Do not describe it praise it excessively or do something elaborate. Just give the waiter a small nod and say it's good in a soft voice.
If you do detect fault, do not hesitate to return the wine. You are not paying hard earned steem to drink improperly stored bottles. Now if the wine is fault free but you don't like it, the opinions are split.
Some would say return it anyway and try something else. I am not of this view. I believe if the wine is not defective, proper etiquette is to accept it, otherwise the restaurant may waste a perfectly good bottle just because you do not know what to order. Do not expect to go through 5 bottles just to find one you like.
Once the wine is poured, you may want to describe it in order to impress your fellow imbibers. Avoid doing anything to extreme. If you actually smell something, say it, if not keep to whatever things you do detect. Tannin, acidity and the like. Use words like mouth-feel, finish, aftertaste, these sort of things.
Learn to at least recognize oak and a few other basics. Use meaningless but well sounding words like interesting, complex, elegant, food friendly and the sort. Occasionally swirl it about the glass, explain it is to increase evaporation of volatile flavor compounds. Lear about wine tears and say something clever about them.
Honestly, you are not impressing anyone describing 20 different aromas you supposedly detect, like seaweed burned on a west Scottish beach at sundown in June.
And you know, though this may sound extreme, maybe even try to enjoy it. A good wine with good meal in, if you are lucky, good company is a thing of beauty