Quite often the parents are so traumatized they don’t know how to help their children cope. It’s always a tragedy, no matter how amicably the split happens.Unfortunately, divorce happens. When it does, it affects everyone involved.
A recent study shows that in the broader American culture, 43 percent of marriages end in divorce, and depending on the state, between 26 and 47 percent of children live in single-parent homes.[1] More than 2,000 blended families are formed every day, but more than two-thirds of those fail within six years.[2]
By studying God’s Word, we can all agree that divorce is never God’s plan. I don’t think it’s ever anyone’s plan. Nobody gets married thinking, “I sure can’t wait to divorce this person one day.” God’s desire is that marriages thrive and last “until death do us part.” Unfortunately, divorce happens. When it does, it affects everyone involved. Often, it disproportionately affects the children in an extremely negative way.
By studying God’s Word, we can all agree that divorce is never God’s plan.
I’ve seen the devastation of divorce in the faces of parents and their kids. Confusion, resentment, discouragement, and depression are common results. If those emotions aren’t resolved with love, honesty, and time, it deeply affects future relationships. Hurt people hurt people, and they often don’t even know why they have difficulties in relationships. In the lives of children, a few of the most common results of divorce include:
Increased stress
No matter what age children are when their parents announce the breakup of their home, kids are never emotionally prepared for the shock. Stress shows up in many different ways. Relationally, kids may become defiant, or they may withdraw. Emotionally, they may become hardened and defiant, or they may regularly burst into tears. Physically, the stress often finds the weakest part of the person’s body; headaches, stomachaches, and other gastrointestinal problems are common. Even the most mundane, everyday decisions can become difficult.Lack of stability
When parents split up, the most secure point in the child’s universe is shaken and destroyed. God has made us to be relational beings, and the home is the first and foremost place of rest, comfort, and security. When that’s disrupted, the child naturally questions the validity and reliability of everything and everyone. In addition, the child is suddenly forced to move back and forth from mom’s house to dad’s house, finding it difficult to ever feel settled and often feeling like a pawn in their blame game.
God has made us relational beings – the home is to be the primary place of comfort and security.
Eroded or shattered trust
When their security crumbles, children may put up walls and refuse to trust anyone, even those who are the most stable, loving people in their lives. Or in contrast, they may trust too much, putting their faith in untrustworthy people in the hope that trusting someone will make them feel safe again.Irresponsibility or hyper-responsibility
Everything the kids have known has been turned upside down. The parents have been trying to teach their kids to be responsible, but now the children wonder, What’s the use? They may neglect homework, cleaning their rooms, taking showers, and doing the normal things they’ve been doing for years. Or they may react in the opposite way, trying to earn their parents’ love by being overly responsible. Some kids use their exemplary behavior as a bargaining chip in an attempt to get their parents to reconcile. It’s magical thinking, but it shows the desperation of the child to restore a happy home.