This video is from Day 818 and in it I explain about getting the bad news and my reaction to it. Later that evening I also wrote a post explaining stuff and will include it at the bottom of this post just so folks can get a full picture of things because as often is the case I am trying to keep the videos short so the file size that I have to upload over my dodgy cellular connection stays small so I think that including the text based post I made that evening in this article helps bring clarity.
You can also view or download the above video on Google Drive here:
It is several hours since I should have been asleep and dreaming with my dogs in bed but here I am with my stomach churning from stress and my heart feeling like it is breaking into little pieces over all my endeavors here having to come to an end. I keep telling myself 'it was a good run' and also that 'there is time to figure it all out and find a new place' but when it comes down to it I just sort of want to cry and allow myself to grieve the death of my little homestead here.
So instead of doing that I am making a list of actionable items that I can start on tomorrow. A list of stuff to start deconstructing, pulling up and ultimately packing down everything I don't need for the rest of my stay here. There are sixty-four actionable items thus far and I am sure that I will be adding more as they float up from the nether reaches of my mind but for now just getting them out on paper has been immensely good for my peace of mind because they are things that I can actually do.
I appreciate the folks that have offered to help me look for a new place and sincerely cannot convey my gratitude enough that other folks are working towards a solution as well. As many of you know it is not the first time I have had to move to a new location and start over and alas yes it sucks and yes I thought I had actually found a 'forever home' and yes I had actually started just this winter to let myself feel at home but due to circumstances outside my influence, control or responsibility the decision was made for me and I was informed of it in a rather kindly fashion with no definitive timeline to move but strongly encouraged to start looking. So I am looking and others (as previously stated) are looking as well and although there is 'no rush' I would very much like to find a place and be able to not just firmly close this chapter of my life but start a new chapter altogether and continue pursuing and actualizing my homestead and off-grid dreams.
When I got the bad news I immediately called my dearest friend and since they were working at the time I only got their voicemail that says 'do not leave me a message' so I texted them to call me when they were off work and also told them in the text the bad news. So I called a different friend (Yeah I now have two friends that I trust to call when I am feeling off kilter) and thankfully they were available to not just hear my bad news but offered me some perspective and got me to laugh a bit which I needed. Both of which helped tremendously. Eventually my other friend texted me back a single word all in capital letters like this 'FUCK' which pretty much encapsulated everything I was feeling at the moment. They then called me and after talking for some time I was reminded by them that I have faced this sort of situation before and I am fortunate that I have friends. I joked a bit about how without my friends and the skills that I have I would be in a much worse scenario than I am which is all very true. Anyway the conversation helped tremendously and it is not that I would be totally lost without said friends but it would damn sure be difficult to navigate myself out of various rabbit holes without them.
I understand that folks are upset, angry and disappointed in this turn of events especially after watching me pour every ounce of myself into this place for the previous eight hundred odd days but I want folks to understand that I can't allow myself to indulge in those kinds of feelings and the landowner and his family dynamics that resulted in this turn of events should not be thrown under the proverbial bus for making the decisions they have made. In other words when all is set and done here I want it to be without strife or the allusion of strife because when it comes down to it those folks have by and large helped me tremendously and not interfered with what I have been doing on their property. Along the way I have learned new skills and had experiences that have helped me become a better person and this place has accommodated me finding not just peace of mind and a sense of well-being but the ability to share my life in a way that I never could before so please don't muck that up for me by encouraging me to be angry about how the story ends here. In other words a smooth transition would be nice and although it will undoubtedly be arduous and difficult it does not have to be painful.
As things stand I have the capability and capacity to start from scratch on raw land as long as it has clean water in any form including rainwater, perhaps some sort of shelter (I actually have enough material to build a shelter or two) and a trickle of cellular service.
This for me is an opportunity to begin anew without all the trial and error that this particular journey required so who knows what is waiting out there for me and who is to say that this is even necessarily a 'bad thing' for it may well be the beginning of an even better story and grander adventure and one that perhaps lands me at long last where I am meant to be. I surely do not know but I am willing to find out.
Be well and I will assuredly do the same. Much Love.