(IJCH) By Popular Demand, A Slightly Revised Re-Post - "THE Scariest Text I Ever Got" (Humor)
IJCH - Inside JaiChai's Head (Meaning: My Warped, Personal Opinions and Musings)
From the Author:
Salutations.
I am JaiChai.
And if I haven't had the pleasure of meeting you before, I'm delighted to make your acquaintance now.
I invite you to interact with everyone, learn, and have as much fun as possible!
For my returning online friends, "It's always great to see you again!"
Macho Warrior Panics!
Background:
I am a retired U.S. Military veteran.
In spite of a fear of heights and deep water, I free-fall parachuted out of airplanes and performed diving ops in very deep, open ocean water.
I've been in way too many hazardous situations to mention.
And if it wasn't for my training, I could not have remained cool, calm and collected while others around me panicked.
BUT...
One morning I received this text from my 11 y/o daughter while she was at school:
"Dad, Please bring napkins, I'm bleeding."
Holy Sh*t!
With shaky fingers, I immediately replied with:
"Understand. Be there ASAP. Love, Dad."
"Damn, I wasn't trained for this one!" I thought, "Sweet Bhudda on a cracker, help me - please!"
Throwing on a T-shirt and jeans, I ran out my front door and hopped on my motorcycle.
Then, breaking the speed limit, I raced to the supermarket.
The Supermarket Debacle
I ran through the store and headed straight to the "women's needs" aisle.
But when I got to the shelves of feminine napkins, I had no idea which ones to buy? Wings, no wings, heavy days, light days, overnight ...WTF?!
In a panic, I grabbed two of the female store employees and pleaded with them for assistance.
One woman proceeded to ask me one rapid-fire question after another - questions that I had absolutely no answers for.
"Sir, do you need wings, no wings, heavy days, light days, overnight...?"
"Ma'am, if I knew what I needed, I wouldn't be asking for your help."
She acted as though I hadn't said a single word and went right back into her 50 questions routine.
Losing my patience, I interrupted her monologue with, "I don't f@ckin know! My 11 y/o daughter is at school experiencing her first f@ckin period!"
After my rude outburst, the second employee just walked off.
(I remember thinking, "Imagine that? That bitch just walked away, totally dissed me, simply gaffed me off? WTF?!")
To make matters worse, the one employee that hadn't ditched me - so far - began asking me her same damn questions again!
That's when I totally lost it.
"Listen to me. My 11 y/o daughter is having her FIRST MENSTRUAL CYCLE. My little girl became a woman this f@ckin morning and you're wasting my time playing f@ckin jeopardy!"
Just when I was ready to blow my last gasket, someone behind me said, "Excuse me, Sir."
I swivelled to face the voice and was surprised to see the employee whom I thought had abandoned me earlier.
She was holding a shopping basket filled with feminine napkins, disposable wash cloths, hydrogen peroxide for blood stains, ibuprofen, a "Your First Period, Congratulations" pamphlet, and a small bottle of spray-on floral perfume.
In other words, instead of pulling a runner on me, she was gathering everything that my daughter needed.
And with a genuine smile, she handed me the basket of items.
"Sir, maybe you should calm down before you bring that to your daughter. Children tend to pick up on even the slightest panicky vibes from a parent."
Suddenly, I felt like a class "A", number one a$$hole.
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Profusely apologizing to both employees, I went to the checkout counter and joined the queue. Surprisingly, a manager took me by the hand to another cashier that was just opening her checkout station; meaning: I was now at the head of this new line.
It was very kind of them to help me, especially when I was so rude earlier.
As I left the supermarket, I made a mental note to remember those people during the holidays and reciprocate their kindness.
Racing to my daughter's school, I hurdled the student turnstile, and landed right in front of a startled security guard.
The guard put up his hand.
I had no time for this nonsense.
Looking squarely into the guard's eyes, I said, "Don't EVEN TRY. You don't make enough money..."
(Wisely, he acquiesced to my fatherly advice.)
Or maybe it was my frustrated, reflexive, and utterly primal, U.S. Marine Corps "AAAARGH!" that did it? Whatever.
He quickly stifled any thoughts of delaying me and moved his chair aside.
With his silent mouth still wide open, he gave me wide berth, and pointed to the nearest stairwell leading to my daughters third floor classroom.
Taking the stair steps, two and three at a time, I arrived at my daughter's classroom, sweat soaked, with moto-head hair that resembled multiple chopsticks stuck into the top of my head, and clutching the plastic bag full of my daughter's supplies.
I'm sure I looked like a crazed suicide bomber.
Her classroom door was open and her friends saw me before she did.
In unison, the whole class started chanting, "Dad-dee, Dad-dee, Dad-dee..."
My daughter appeared in the doorway and I walked to her. I knelt down, hugged her and said, "You OK, kiddo? We can go home, if you want."
My daughter opened the bag of supplies and took a quick visual inventory.
Satisfied, she gave me a kiss and said, "I'm fine, Dad. Thanks a lot. Go home."
While she hugged me goodbye, she added, "And Dad, that little vein above your left eyebrow is pulsating again. That means that maybe you should chill out. I love you. See ya later."
And with that, she skipped back into her classroom.
Imagine that?
Try as I might, nobody would empathize with my manly, panicky plight.
No commiseration.
Zip, nada, nothing.
I almost feel cheated.
Oh the humanity!...
By JaiChai
Really Appreciate You Stopping By.
Truly hope to see you again!
And if you liked my post, kindly Upvote, Comment, Follow, and ReSteem.
(The above post is a revised version of: https://steemit.com/life/@jaichai/ijch-the-scariest-text-i-ever-got-11-y-o-daughter-from-school-dad-please-bring-napkins-i-m-bleeding-omg-in-retrospect-freakin)
About the Author
Believing that school was too boring, he dropped out of High School early; only to earn an AA, BS and MBA in less than 4 years much later in life – while working full-time as a Navy/Marine Corps Medic.
After 24 years of active duty, he retired in Asia.
Since then, he's been a full-time, single papa and actively pursuing his varied passions (Writing, Disruptive Technology, Computer Science and Cryptocurrency - plus more hobbies too boring or bizarre for most folk).
He lives on an island paradise with his teenage daughter, longtime girlfriend and three dogs.
"My mind was a terrible thing to waste..." - JaiChai