“I'll tell you what I miss. I miss that throbbing heart telling me to take a leap when the sky looks too dark. I miss the walk that I took in the narrow cobblestoned pathways that fumed of history and undying stories of love and loss. I miss the coffee that scented like mist in a frozen dream in a land of strange beauty. I miss the afternoon tea that followed my pen to hours of happy melancholy. I miss the muse I saw dance in a foreign land of near heart. I miss the stranger smiling at me from a corner and teaching me his language to smile at my twinkled happiness.
I miss that symphony of mad evenings ending in a sky full of stars to fill my soul with an unknown ecstasy. I miss that hand of an old woman trying to tell me her story. I miss that child running up to me in a crowd of unknown faces to hand me her candy. I miss that night where I lay back on a distant balcony gazing at the solitary moon for hours knowing that it is shining at my homeland just as bright. I miss that stranger listening to my heart and telling me how beautiful it is. I miss a wandering soul, who went on filling her breath with life of eternal love in the wings of Life.
And I'll tell you now when I look back I see how wonderful Time has treated me and how grateful I am to have lived in moments that roar of a beautiful Life lived with a heart throbbing to take a leap once again in that ocean of Life's beguiling journey.” ― Debatrayee Banerjee
Yesterday – for whatever reason, got me thinking about “moments” – you know the culmination of minutes which turn into hours – then days and ultimately - make up our lives. We move from one to the next, often not taking any real cognisance of their magnitude or magnificence… we live them, laugh them, snap pics of them and then we move on to the next one. Look again, and ten years have passed – we are older, wiser (perhaps) and slowly but surely becoming just that little bit more nostalgic.
As a mom, I feel this greatly, for the simple reason that time seems somewhat fleeting when you have a child or children. You are literally ALWAYS moving! There is forever something in motion and “down time” or even a moment of privacy quickly becomes a long forgotten memory in the recesses of your mind. Multi-tasking skills are fine tuned to master levels and there are simply never enough hours in a day – no matter how hard you try…
Sometimes, it feels like an insane rollercoaster ride – but every so often there are moments of stillness, perhaps when you collapse in one another’s arms on the bed and simply share a few minutes of each other’s company with cuddles and kisses. It is those moments which make you appreciate all of the others – including the “not such great ones”.
I had actually intended writing this post yesterday, but my emotional frame of mind was completely de-railed by one of my 11 year old sons “moments”. He did something which disappointed me greatly – in fact, I think he disappointed himself too… truth be told. It was not the most pleasant situation to navigate – but a very necessary one to get right. I would like to believe that I got it “as right” as I possibly could have. Sure, he did something wrong – but he also actually owned up to it before he got caught out for it… and as I discussed along my morning walk earlier today – that was worth a lot… in fact, possibly more than the bad decision itself. It showed conscience and the willingness for accountability.
As parents, it is SO important that we acknowledge such characteristic strengths in our kids – more now than ever before actually. This world is a cruel one – brutal in fact, and too often – kids are “discarded” – even in the wealthiest of home environments. Money does not constitute stability, in fact more likely the opposite… because it breeds disconnection.
As I went through many photos last night, I stumbled upon one which made me stop and think about just how important everything I have said above actually is. I was at a restaurant a few years ago in Cape Town and there was a young girl performing there - a “one man band” if you will. As a people watcher in general – I observed her closely from a distance. She was clearly socially awkward – much like I was in my teen years… yet she had the courage to stand up in front of perhaps 100+ people, play her guitar and sing for them – which is more than I can say for myself at that time in my life.
She began performing and I was really blown away by how talented she was. Gentle in approach, but so much emotion behind her every word and note. Between songs, she mentioned that she had an album which was available for purchase on CD. I bought one – I felt compelled to for more reasons than one! I liked her music, enjoyed her style, embraced her emotion and felt she needed the validation. Clearly I was not far off the mark. About a year after I purchased that album of hers, I caught wind on the local news that she had drowned herself in a “jojo water tank” at her parents’ home. This hit me hard – REALLY hard.
How many bad moments had such a young woman endured before it all became too much and she gave up on herself. To what lengths does a person have to get pushed where they have absolutely no hope left? Contemplating all of this made me incredibly sad. Nobody should EVER be reduced to such a place and space – especially not at that age, which is essentially supposed to be the marker for the “beginning” of your adult life.
Moments like this are the ones which afford me perspective. I have always been of the opinion that Jude (my son) did not ask to be here – but here he is. It is my responsibility to ensure that his journey in this world is one which enriches and empowers him rather than destroys him. This is seldom a straight line, and the older he gets – the more challenging it becomes.
This brings to light, a little reflection on my own growing up years and in turn warrants gratitude. My son is an absolute angel at the age of eleven by comparison to his mother. I had my “moments” – no shortage there, all of which I like to consider – well prepared me to raise a child efficiently in the times we currently live. Not much “wool” is going over my eyes – but that came at a price – for me. Is it not always so?! The intricacy of life’s design never ceases to amaze me - Wondrous really, how we are groomed by circumstance so that we “have what it takes” to tackle the next chapter.
I think about all of “this stuff” a lot more these days than I ever have. We have this life, we cross so many roads, fall down, hit our heads against walls, throw caution to the wind, try to rekindle and recall our less inhibited spirits and all the while we are left little choice but to keep the hamster wheel turning for the sake of self-preservation and that of those we love.
In-between all of that, there are all these “moments”- Brief ticks of the clock which we will never have again. Surely they should be made the most of?! “Pick your battles or you will spend the rest of your life fighting” a kindergarten teacher of Jude’s once said to me. Whilst I did not agree with ALL of her approach – that statement was one of the things “I took” – and I left the rest.
Life may be comprised of many years, but they really do fly by. To me, it feels like just the other day that I was pregnant with Jude. This year he turns twelve. Where did the time go? Moments – that’s where.
We should ALL learn to appreciate them more - be it with our children, friends, partners or simple acquaintances - every single one of them counts.
“Gold when first struck is crowded with ‘dirt’, uncertain, might not be flashy enough to be noticed. However, if you are alert in your senses, you’d see that little glitter; if you’re persistent enough, it’ll be polished to be one of the finest ‘possessions’ you could ever acquire. The beauty about gold, though, is that in all states from uncertainty to conviction, it never for once gives up its lustre. We’re sometimes too hasty and ‘fly searching’ that we miss the little uncertain glitters that sparkle in the corners of our eyes. In such rare moments, stop for a while, and hold on to it with the best grip you could muster.”
― Ufuoma Apoki
❤❤❤
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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