Sometimes I feel like our own lack of concrete plans is a plan in itself. I believe in seizing our destiny and not just taking what life dishes. But I also believe in things happening as they were meant to happen.
16th January, 2025.
It was a beautiful day. Should have been an ordinary day, and it probably was to most people of the world. But to me, it was the day I clocked another year.
Anyone close to me would know that I had just one wish. One hope for that day. That I wouldn’t cry and that if I absolutely had to, it would be nothing short of happy tears.
So the few days leading to that day were filled with trepidation and then trepidation gave way to determination. I was going to break the more than decade-long jinx of always crying on my birthdays. It wasn’t the best time to be making that decision since I was going through PMS at the time, and I usually cry during these times more than any other.
So, it was going to be more than a challenge since the slightest things got to me. But I was going to try. I owed it to me to be happy on that day. I was clocking a new age and quite a serious one for that matter.
I’d already been disheartened that I hadn’t prepared appropriately for it and made it as grand in my own little way as it should have been. And I won’t lie, for a little moment, I began to dislike myself a little bit. Why can’t you be like other women, Tessa? Why are you always so nonchalant about things that concern you even till the last minute. Someone had asked me the previous week. “How’s your next Thursday going to be?” And I was like, "what’s happening next Thursday?" He looked at me all shocked. “It’s your birthday, Tessa. Surely you cannot tell me that you didn’t know that.”
And I laughed it off. I had more people ask me the same question and I realized I had no plan. Thursdays are usually my busiest days as I have back to back classes. I won’t call myself the most zealous student but I knew I couldn’t afford to miss any of those classes. Even though it would be on my birthday.
I resented myself a little bit for not being like everyone else. I have a friend whose birthday is in April and has begun planning for it since the beginning of this year. I admired how much thought she was putting into it and I viewed it as an act of self love. Caring about yourself so much, you were making plans to make your day as special as it should be.
Did it mean I didn’t love myself enough?
I’m one of the biggest preachers and advocates of self love. So how couldn’t I have done what I could to make this day special for me and instead spend the entire day in class and even after class, still nothing planned. Okay for that last part, I could have had something planned if I wanted to cause I got quite a few date offers. And even though, there were all promises of a good time, I thought about how tired I would be after class and asked them to bring whatever thing they wanted to give me to the front of my dorm where I’d simply collect them, thank the giver and go back to bed.
But still I thought to myself on why I was so adverse to being out there. Why I had to be prodded, persuaded and sometimes nearly forced by those around me before I could go out. My roommate cussed me out yesterday for it. And as usual, I laughed it off. I am who I am and I could never be made to do what I didn’t want to do. That’s why I know I’ve got to be intentional if was going to do something for me in the future.
The day came, guys. And it was a very hot day.
The heat was something else and I’d gotten my nails fixed but not much else. I looked extra pretty and I knew it. I went to class for my nine hours of lecture and as I got back to my room, exhausted beyond belief, I ran some giveaways and laughed at some antics I pulled.
Then when I went to sleep, I had the biggest smile on my face because 
I believe next year will be better because Deraa has promised that we’ll begin planning for it from September of this year. And I know she’s serious about it, lol.
That’s true. Did I cry? Yeah, I nearly did because of some slight issue like that. But I’m glad I didn’t let that tear drop. More than happy. Anyway, in case you’re wondering, I’m crying as I’m writing this but 16th January is over, so I can cry as hard as I want to, right? Hehe. Okay time to go. Belated Happy Birthday to you, Tessa. You’re amazing but you already know that, don't you?
Jhymi🖤
Images are mine.
