There are a lot of things I'm currently waiting for, and this probably makes the present a terrible time for me. Waiting is better when there are zero chances of bad things happening. It's like waiting to check the outcome of an examination, especially when you weren't sure of how well you did. Uncertainty is underestimated, sometimes it creates a loophole for diverse psychological instability, even when we know this, we cannot control ourselves from being in that mental state.
So we can be positive while waiting, and sometimes, being in fear makes waiting a horrendous thing. However, Waiting is something I know how to do very well, but, waiting in anticipation of whether an outcome will be good or bad is something I do not know how to do. Anxiety is one of the things I can hardly control, and this is because I'm a natural overthinker: not considering the stability of the present, but the prospect of instability of tomorrow and the near future.
Having lost my entire family, it's difficult to currently tap into any positive at the moment. The outlook of my health situation isn't good either and the uncertainty surrounding everything just makes me anxious. For over 15 years I've been able to manage my health situation well with the thought that I was invincible. Losing my brother took away that mental immunity I felt. From next year, I have to begin to seek better health care for myself, but waiting at the moment seems really hard, it's messing up my mind and I cannot seem to do anything, or be overly productive, it sucks and I cannot begin to describe the sleeplessness, knowing that something is wrong and the fear of a progressing prognosis.
It's visibly scary and today was the worst. I spoke to a few people today, and they asked me to live like there was no tomorrow. However, this isn't me. While I immediately want to stop thinking of my predicaments, I still fear developing a worse prognosis as the day goes by. It's a fickle thing to be burdened by sorrow and then worry about health issues. I eat and sleep poorly, and still, I haven't completely recovered from having over 2 g/dl of blood drawn from me for various tests, blood is vital to someone like me, as lack of it signals worsening complications, and this is why I'm stressed.
Oh, it's almost Christmas, but to me, it's another countdown, 3 months after the death of my brother, it feels unreal, and I still have crazy dreams that leave me in tears whenever I wake up. I currently cannot do anything for my mental health because of my worry. I haven't made any good decisions this year, and I still feel that it's why I'm messed up to date, but I've found solace in seeking God, and leaving everything to chance.
At the moment, I don't even think about the future anymore, and this is because I'm trying to fix the present. A lot of damage has happened, and the most devastating one has been to my mental health. It's no longer the time to deny anxiety disorder, and this is because most people in similar situations will do worse.
To people who have had a good year, all I can say is congratulations. It's officially the most terrible year of my life and I'm hoping next year will come good, and take away all the pain of this year. I hope to make better decisions for my health and I hope I can recover some of the damages done to my health, one day at a time.
Interested in some more of my works
