I've been focused on self-improvement for years. I've always wanted to learn how to work with my unique mindset and set of skills to make the most of this lifetime, while giving up the least. Sometimes this feels like a lonely quest, because when you’re so focused on yourself, others become less important.
Being so focused on individuality, it was easy to subscribe to the notion that looking out for #1 was the most important thing. I even once wrote:
Anything less than selfish is stupid. Nobody’s more qualified to make you happy than you. Nobody’s more unqualified than everyone else.
And while that may be true in a vacuum, we don’t live in a vacuum. The truth is that relationships are a mirror. The more you try to avoid looking in the mirror, the more you avoid truly seeing yourself.
Why Relationships Become Imbalanced
In many intimate relationships, one person grows to want the other more than they’re wanted back. Why? Because when you want more from your partner than they want from you, you’re more likely to act needy. And when you act needy, you’re more likely to repel your partner. And when your partner distances themselves from you, you want them even more, because it’s human nature to want what we can’t have.
If you’re always saying yes and your partner is always saying no, the basic laws of supply and demand mean their yes becomes incredibly valuable while yours is easily taken for granted.
So how do you reverse this pattern if you want your partner more than they want you? Simple. You stop wanting things from them, and start wanting things for them.
When you want something from someone else, you stop looking for it in yourself. That desire cripples your ability to grow into what you’re wanting, because you’re focused on it as if it’s already outside of you. This creates an imbalance because you're focused on something you don't have that your partner does.
Restoring Balance
You don’t create balanced relationships by finding two people who are exactly equal in every way. You create balance by both wishing the best for each other and not getting in each other’s way.
When you want something for someone, and truly wish someone well, they see you as someone they can confide in. Someone who’s on their side and that holds no competing interest. You are not attached to what they choose to do with their life, but you are invested in them finding what they’re looking for.
They begin to see you as an asset instead of detriment. As someone who gives them energy rather than leeches it from them.
And that’s what healthy relationships are built on. Two people bringing out the best in each other. Feeding each other, not feeding off each other.
Becoming the Best Me
This philosophy is not limited to intimate relationships. It works for every single relationship in your life. Want something from someone and you will open yourself up to disappointment, neediness, and desperation. Want something for someone and you will open yourself up to love, cooperation, and support. But only if you are detached from them having to become what you want for them. If you start wanting them to get what they desire too badly, then you will be wanting something from them once again. Wanting them to achieve the desire you want for them.
This can sound tricky so I will provide a real life example from my own life:
I recently rendezvoused with the most amazing relationship. We were old friends who used to talk for hours on end, but never explored the possibility of romance between us because we were both in committed relationships.
Now that we were both single, and had both made so many personal breakthroughs, we discovered that we wanted to become more than friends. And we embarked on a, beautiful, heart-centered relationship.
Then one day we had this incredibly deep talk, where she opened up about a guy she’d been in love with before she’d even met me. And shared with me the depth of her desires for him. I sometimes found it hard to listen when my ego got in the way, but my desire to love her and have her feel her best overrode any selfish desires I harbored at the time.
She cried many tears of sadness, and later tears of joy. And the whole time I was able to be there for her and hold space. It was an incredibly bonding experience.
A few days later, she had another experience that brought her tremendous clarity. She realized that the bond she shared with him was so strong that it no longer felt right to maintain a sexual relationship with me.
I was disappointed when I heard the news. It felt like our relationship was being downgraded. Even though 95% of our relationship was non-sexual, losing the possibility for sexual connection made me feel “less than.” That feeling grew from a tiny sliver into a gaping hole. And soon I found myself being needy and desperate toward her.
I would always call myself out whenever I was needy, but self-awareness only goes so far. And I started wanting to distance myself from her because it felt so uncomfortable to want something I couldn’t have. Which was weird, since we were friends for years and had an amazing non-sexual relationship. Why was it so different this time?
Probably because this time I lost something that I used to have access to. And that loss made me feel like what I still had wasn’t good enough. Or that I wasn’t good enough to have what I really wanted. But I decided t
But then last night I had a breakthrough. I read a post by 
The moment I read this a light bulb turned on. I new exactly why I was feeling disempowered and how to reverse it. I texted her with excitement right away.
I found the source of my disharmony and have released it. I found it by reading this article
I realized that I have been at odds with you lately because I am wanting something from you, not something for you. When I read that article I stepped into a very pure place of wanting what's best for you and wanting to support you in any way I can.
I am on #TeamRick (the other guy) now, because I am on #TeamCarrie (her team). My heart lights up when I imagine your happiness.
Fuck yes! This is the breakthrough I've been reaching for for the last several days!
I feel back in my power again! I feel at peace and ready to attract the love I'm looking for in my life by being the love I want to be first.
This feels so good. Like we can be friends again and really bloom that friendship into a springboard for all the amazing things to come!
I love you as a friend and will always love you!
You're an amazing person who's played such a significant role in my life and I will always cherish you for that!
I am in love with myself in this moment
It feels so good to let go of all that attachment, yet keep all the love
I am so lucky to have such amazing friends and such amazing opportunities!
And I am so lucky to have discovered this version of me!
Conclusion
Sometimes I look at the world in very black and white terms. I want the things that can help me, and try to ignore the things that won’t. But in looking at the world in such a cold and calculated way, I cut myself off from so much more connection.
The change from “What’s in it for me” to “I want the best for you” is a big one. It requires looking beyond the things you’ve identified as valuable and seeing value in what others are attracted to. You learn to empathize not merely as a tool to connect with others, but as a means of seeing beyond your limited perspectives.
If you can do that, you will not create a multitude of deep and fruitful friendships; you will broaden your horizons to the point where it will be almost impossible to get stuck in a rut. Because you will no longer feel “less than” when someone else gets something you want. You will feel like you’ve got it now too, because you were right there with them, rooting all the way.
Thanks for reading!
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