If Only I'd Known | Silver Bloggers #bow prompt - deadline 28 June, 2021

Hello and Welcome back to another contest theme brought to you by the Silver Bloggers Community. The theme for the new week comes from their panel member Hive account@ericvancewalton and is a question we have all thought about at some point in our lives: "If you could go back in time and change one thing in your life, what would it be?"

FOREWORD

In answering the question posed in their Blog of the Week winners and new topic deadline: 28 June 2021, I would have to return to a time before my time and utilize all my wisdom acquired to first tackle the questions of love, family, relationships, separation, divorce, children, abandonment, heartache, detachment, and ancestry.

Why so many forethoughts you wonder to just one change? Because actions have consequences, whether seen or unseen, known or unknown. Bridging the gap over generations to help break the cycle is a monumental undertaking.

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It's been thirty days since I slept a full night. I don't feel ill. I don't feel restless. I feel tired. In fact, I feel sick and tired, as the old folks used to say.

The dark circles underneath my eyes give the appearance of a woman twice my age. And I'm afraid to close them in case I fall. But I'm already on the floor, making do with a mattress sewn of cotton with burlap for cover. My lips feel the salt of tears bearing heartbreak. The dark pit awaits. Silent cries for help and of despair rush them toward my nightdress.

Is it any worse during the hours when the sun beats down on my back forcing me to press deep the rising fear of pain to come once darkness falls?

Chores done. Children put down. I feel the tiredness creeping into my soul.

"It's time for you to come to bed."

My thoughts are an anvil tied to my head. No one to talk to. No one to tell what happens during the hours designated for sleep.

I jumped when the door suddenly swung opened. The look in my direction answered my burning question. Another week without work. The bottom cabinet was stacked full with potatoes and vegetables. I'd already hidden them before he arrived.

No other man should step ahead of me and be up in my woman's face he'd scold on numerous occasions. I didn't want to start anything, but those children in the next room didn't care about stepping around or in front of anyone. All they cared about was their stomachs being full.

And it wasn't even about the potatoes and vegetables. It was about the way the bringer of the staples took too long to move his eyes away from my frame. From head to toe he'd look; not only him, but others as well. I can't help the way I was born to be pleasing to the eye.

The idea first swirled in the pit of my stomach. It rose up to my throat. I thought it was another mouth to feed. That would put the nail in the coffin so to speak. Thank God it wasn't. Just fear of being stuck the rest of my life here. My family wouldn't understand. All I was supposed to do was to get on with the business of doing my duty as I was raised to do. But I can't.

I have to make a decision. I can't tell you how long I planned for this. When the time finally came, I slipped away. Just me and the clothes on my back. The hardest thing in my life was leaving them behind. I'll send for them later I told myself.

We came out of the Depression a few months ago. Things should get better for us now. I had no skills other than working inside the home. I can do it. Thoughts of my youngest daughter, now four years weighed on me. I can't help her or any of them if I don't act now. Their dad and paternal grandmother can see to them until I'm settled.

Three thousand miles away is a long distance to be separated from my children. I won't be alone. My older siblings have already left and settled there. I arrived late fall.

But I never did arrange for all my children to come.

The two boys joined me later after finishing school. The two girls are another story. The oldest daughter was content to stay where her roots lay.

The youngest; I never saw her again. I spoke with her on the phone a couple of times over a period of 50 years. I understand from her sister that she moved to another state nearby and she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I never got the chance to tell her all she needed to know about my huge family and her ancestors so she in turn could pass on her legacy. I was told that she felt abandoned and was a bitter child who became a bitter woman. I also understand she cut off all ties with her father. I didn't think that would ever happen.

If only I'd known. If only I'd known how deeply my decision would affect the lives of the ones I love.

I died in my new state never having seen my youngest daughter's children. My grandchildren.

AFTERWORD

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Hello Grandmother. I'm your middle granddaughter. I'm now a senior citizen. If I could go back in time and change one thing in my life, do you know what it would it be?

It would be to plead with you to stay. I'll never know the circumstances surrounding your decision. I just want to speak to you and ask how could you even consider leaving your children behind? I'd offer my help and advise you of resources that could have assisted you in working things out so that you could take your children.

Was it ever an option or an ultimatum to go alone? Oh, how I wish I could have helped you to see then and in the future.

I know you've planned your leaving. I can only imagine what a heavy burden you chose to take with you. However, I want to show and tell you the devastating effect your decision was handed down to me and my siblings through your daughter.

My mother never reconciled your leaving. Once all ties were severed, it left a void in our lives that can never be filled. All the old ones were gone. I had no one who knew to ask what happened. Only vague answers I ever received.

I have no family pictures of us together. No holidays. No birthday cards. No graduation. I have no words of wisdom a grandmother imparts to her granddaughter.

I have no memories of looking into your face, or sampling your cuisine. I have no feeling of being hugged by you. I only found a photo of you. And yes, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I have no knowledge of your grandparents, other than the names I discovered during my research. I've spent over 20 years searching for your family and our family history.

If only I'd known.