Creating a cordial relationship with your man's ex-wife is crucial - not for yourself, but for the children and for your relationship with their father. For me, this has been an extremely difficult and daunting task. I am significantly younger than his ex but also seem to have had a lot of successes in my life that she hasn't.
When I first met his ex, we were exchanging the children after our scheduled monthly visitation, so obviously things were very awkward. I was extremely nervous. I have never been in a situation like this before - I've never dated someone that was significantly older than I am, nor someone how had been previously married, and not a man who had a child, let alone two. I was a complete wreck inside and emotionally confused about the situation that was happening. I just wanted her to be cordial with me for the sake of my relationship with my partner and the children.
However, as you can anticipate, the meeting did not go well. She looked me up and down, rolled her eyes, and whispered something into her then boyfriend's ear as she kept her eyes locked on me. I was really irritated as this point because I was trying very hard to be mature about this difficult situation.
I very clearly remember getting back into the car and turning my sassy-dial up to 100. I looked at my man and said, "You know, if she wants to act like a bitch she should realize that I can definitely be a bigger bitch that she can. I'm just choosing not to because I'm an adult." (Because that's a very adult like reaction.)
Creating Stepmom Success in a Few Simple Steps
1. Don't expect appreciation from her.
No matter what you do or how much the children adore you, you'll never get the acknowledgement that you deserve. It doesn't matter what you deserve .
Stop expecting the "Thank you" that you're never likely to get. You'll be much happier if you stop waiting around. The only person that will/should show you appreciation is your man. The two of you are responsible for creating a happy life together and with the children, not the ex.
2. Remain Neutral.
This is an absolute must. You must never, under any circumstances, voice your opinion about the ex in front of the children.
You may be completely appalled by the shrew that is the mother of his children, but you must repress these feelings as deep down as they can possibly go and keep them there. Forever.
3. You are not their mother.
At the end of the day, you will never be their mother and that's okay. Don't threaten her maternal instincts, she can and will retaliate.
Of course you are going to love these children as if they are your own, you will wish them all the happiness in the world and take care of them as if they were your blood, they are definitely as much as part of the family as any children you have... but you're still not their mother.
Instead, strive to be someone that they love and respect. Strive to be another person in their life that cares for them and makes them feel special.
4. It's okay to do things differently.
It's likely that your parenting styles will be very different from one another - hopefully your partner and you are much more in tune. Be respectful of her parenting style because it is likely that she is doing things according to her beliefs and values that aren't in line with yours.
There's no right or wrong way to parent, the end goal should be to create little humans that are confident, capable and independent beings when they are ready to "leave the nest". In our case, this is many years from now.
5. She's your man's ex, not yours, let him deal with her.
The smartest thing that you can do is let your man deal with his ex and not jump in. You'll be much more sane because of this. At this point, his relationship with his ex should be strictly professional and completely about the children. This should hopefully relieve your man a little too because he won't be put in the middle of you two and it will greatly improve your relationship.
6. Remember that it's her, not you.
This is the hardest and most important step to remember. No matter what, you'll always be "the other woman" to her and it's not easy to allow someone into your children's life to fill a position that is traditionally hers.
You'll always be this terrible person who is a lousy cook, fat and always looks a hot mess, because that's how she will portray you to everyone in her life. Let her. Know in your heart that you're so much better than this person that she has decided that you are, otherwise, why would your man have picked you?