[LVL] Pennsylvania now has ability to test for coronavirus at state lab
PENNSYLVANIA STATE POLICE
Central COVID-19 Testing Lab (CCVTL)
Lt. Notraeal Fakee MD Ph.D
Senior COVID-19 Testing Micro-biologist
Pennsylvania State Police
Harris-burgh, Pennsylvania USA
DIAL 911 FOR EMERGENCIES
CORONAVIRUS (COVID-19) SITUATION UPDATE
The Pennsylvania State Police in conjunction with the CDC and the Pennsylvania Governors office is releasing a joint statement concerning the current COVID-19 pandemic.
Pennsylvania Central COVID-19 Testing Lab has been granted emergency funds to purchase state-of-the-art COVID-19 testing equipment. This equipment has already been purchased and deployed into the field.
The Pennsylvania Central COVID-19 Testing Lab has finished most of the state-wide preliminary testing and they're ready to share the results with the general public. Below are the results from the preliminary field testing.
SAMPLE RESULT [NEG] OR [POS] / SAMPLE NUMBER
Additional notes made by the testing agent ( Lt. Fakee ) if necessary.
NEG / 00213
No COVID-19 in medical marijuana.
NEG / 00845
No COVID-19 in any cigarette, cigar, or smokeless tobacco product.
NEG / 00966
No COVID-19 in Governor Tom Wolf's water fountain.
NEG / 00444
No COVID-19 is Pennsylvania State Police Troop M - Bethlehem soda and snack machine.
Notes from Agent: Please stop putting handcuff keys in the machine and set amount to $1000. By that point in the process, people cuffed aren't going to have their wallet or purse. The machine doesn't even take credit cards. Why do you have the keys to the machine????
Update: Sargent called me to explain why they keep the key in the machine. They once were routinely questioning a suspect who happens to be an illusionist. They thought nothing about the fact that he was an illusionist.
When they all woke up handcuffed naked in the break room, they were pretty embarrassed. The Colonel decided if that ever happens again, a key is to be kept in the snack machine in case of an emergency. The price is expensive enough that no one would buy it.
I asked him how they got their hands out of the handcuffs naked. He said it wasn't hands that were cuffed.
NEG / 00215
No COVID-19 is PennDOT supervisors 2020 Chevrolet Corvette Coupe dashboard stereo.
Notes from Agent: Fixed stereo while checking for COVID-19. Forced to change the oil and tires by supervisor's two assistants. Supervisor seemed like he was in a rush to get somewhere. Extremely touchy about his car.
NEG / 00212
No COVID-19 in Yuengling traditional lager.
Notes from Agent: Yuengling was smooth and refreshing but we all agreed it's better in draft and that also tested negative.
NEG / 00277
No COVID-19 in plain and almond variety Hershey's chocolate bar or Kisses.
Notes from Agent: Found discount coupon on coke can in front of Hershey Park for Dorney Park. When I looked that the can again later, the coupon was for SixFlags! That's not even in PA! That's in New Jersey. New Jersey. The coronavirus is going to kill us all I know that now.
NEG / 84414
No COVID-19 in Penn State Creamery ice cream.
NEG / 44441
No COVID-19 in state controlled alcohol inventory - coordinated with Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board Agents for testing.
Notes from Agent: More testing needed.
NEG / 66214
No COVID-19 in Hatfield pork products.
Notes from Agent: cook it to 165 and you'll be fine.
NEG / 37195a
No COVID-19 in Snyder's of Berlin products.
NEG / 37195b
No COVID-19 in Snyder's of Hanover products.
NEG / 00924
No COVID-19 in Geno's Steaks cheese steak with provolone, side of fries, and soda, all checked and double checked.
Notes from Agent: Horrible parking. Philly parking authority gave me the finger even when I showed the officer my badge. They told me to go back to the highway pretty boy - I told them I'm a scientist. Parking people are ruthless. I bought them a steak, we're all good now. They still gave me the ticket. I'll pencil whip this shit from my phone. Fuck philly parking authority.
POS / 20104
Possible COVID-19 found in Pat's Steaks, though nearly 120% probably negative as the testing was inconclusive, because the steak was dry.
Notes from Agent: Our studies have shown that COVID-19 can't survive in dry environments. We're willing to say that Pat's is probably COVID-19 free based of how dry the steak was, horrible. Will not come back to re-test.
POS / 20105
COVID-19 found at all Baltimore Ravens vs. Pittsburgh Steelers games in the city of Pittsburgh. Numerous times the Raven's locker room has tested positive for the COVID-19. Notified Pittsburgh Steelers facilities department and Ravens staff about situation.
Notes from Agent: Testing agent noted smell of Mangrease's cherry and apple anal fudge butter in the Raven's locker room especially around the defensive line lockers. Mangrease's cherry and apple anal fudge butter brand anal greases and waxes have been linked to spreading the coronavirus. The product currently has a CDC warning. Agent left head coach John Harbaugh, assistant head coach David Culley, and the coach in charge of bending and stretching a CDC notice leaflet about the Mangrease's cherry and apple anal fudge butter and the coronavirus.
NEG / 11252
No COVID-19 in Yocco's hot dog products.
NEG / 88542
No COVID-19 in any of the 12,023 legislators offices (excluding Senate).
NEG / 22327
Unknown COVID-19 result from Lt. Gov. John Fetterman office. Door locked. Strong smell of marijuana by office. Testing agent heard people whispering by door. Agent knocked again, no answer. Left business card.
NEG / 00001
No COVID-19 in and Pennsylvania pierogies. This applies to all Pennsylvania pierogie products in the world. All certified "made in pa" pierogies were check and double checked. Certified by the 128 affiliated churches that make up the International Pierogie Consortium (IPC).
The IPC has onsite FDA approved pierogie testing facilities - specifically for these types of events. The IPC was prepared long before anyone else. They've been coordinating with the Israeli Military's Matzah ball response team for close to 17 years now.
Notes from Agent: We've been talking with some of the people from the IPC and PSP going to be training together in the near future. It really was impressive how they were prepared. Pierogies were delicious.
[THREAT ELIMINATED] POS / 22883
COVID-19 found in the Pennsylvania's Lottery's Gus the groundhog. 100% positive result. The local Coroner in coordination with the Pennsylvania State Animal Response Team is making arrangements to put Gus down the most humanly way possible.
Notes from Agent: Many Pennsylvania residents attended Gus's funeral. It seems no one was really aware how offensive Gus was to Pennsylvania's beloved Punxsutawney Phil.
UPDATE
Notes from Agent: I independently heard several people questioning the Pennsylvania lotteries infringement on their Pennsylvania hog rights. Some people questioned why the lottery didn't invest that money in hiring Punxsutawney Phil or maybe even getting a second Punxsutawney Phil, a Punxsutawney Phil jr.
Many protesters are mad that the Pennsylvania lottery is paying Gus and not Phil. People were pretty angry. Quickly things got out of control as people started chanting for the execution to begin. There was never supposed to be any execution.
"That piece of shit lottery hog disrespected Phil, let that little shit char-grill at the stake." - Maryiam
"Die fake coronavirus hog. I never won the lottery ever and now I hate both Gus and Phil." - Bruce
"I normally go to church on Sunday, but I skipped this week to watch that piece of shit hog Gus burn at the stake for what he did to Joe Paterno and the greatest Pennsylvania Showman ever: Punxsutawney Phil. " - Dan
"You can get some of the finest tastiest fried hog on this side of the state. Eating Gus is like getting back at the lottery for 20 years of missin numbers. I got a number for you Gus, can you guess which number it is? Here, let me show you my power balls right now. What? Have I been drinking? No I'm not drunk officer. Get your hands off me you Gus loving piece…" - Reggie PA-445993–2020
After burning Gus at the stake, COVID-19 threat eliminated.
NEG / 22895
No COVID-19 in any Heinz ketchup products. Negative results have been reported by multiple agencies. These agencies include: the State of Pennsylvania, the United States Special Defense Research Institute for High Performance Fuels and Lubricants (USSDRIHPFL) and the Fake Blood Society of America (FBSA).
NEG / 66632
No COVID-19 in Iron City Beer.
Notes from Agent: guy outside the plant asked if they were going to start adding coronavirus to the beer. I said no. He looked disappointed.
POS / 77133
COVID-19 total infection of all Dallas Cowboy and Baltimore Ravens owners, players, staff, merchandisers, their families, families of people who know Dallas Cowboy and Raven fans, all infected. COVID-19 might also have morphed into a rare genital disease which causes genital warts inside the brain of those infected.
It's horrible to watch the people as their sock-covered hands try to itch the inside of the brain. Horrible to watch. Horrible. There is no cure.
Notes from Agent: I left a box of CDC warning pamphlets.
COMMUNITY COOPERATION
A big thank you goes out to Commonwealth Press in Pittsburgh for providing fast printing service for the agents and staff of the Pennsylvania State Police COVID-19 team. Another big thank you to Commonwealth Press owner Dan Rugh for point out that Mangrease's™ cherry and apple anal fudge butter was a recall and not just a warning. Commonwealth Press printed all of Mangrease™ promotional products so they had in-depth inside knowledge of all types of anal waxes and butters. We notified the Ravens and they're handling it on their end, we hope.
The above is the most current results we have at the Pennsylvania Central COVID-19 Testing Lab. We'll be testing more as citizens and politicians freak out more. Pennsylvania Central COVID-19 Testing Lab will also make those results available.
If you have any question, don't hesitate to reach out to, Lt. Notraeal Fakee MD Ph.D during normal office hours of 0001 AM to 0002 PM.
Lt. Notraeal Fakee MD Ph.D
Senior COVID-19 Testing Micro-biologist
Pennsylvania State Police
Harris-burgh, Pennsylvania USA
Everyone, please wash your hands with soap and HOT WATER.
The story below was republished from HLC Issue 6F.
The published work above is fiction and satire.
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