A bit about how I was feeling before I left. Can anyone relate?? I've sprinkled some pictures in from my travels so far so you can see that it is worth it. It is so so so worth it.
How do you explain it? That feeling that just starts as a brief little breeze, but quickly turns into the biggest hurricane you have ever experienced in your life. A feeling that you may not know where it came from, or what is happening. It just IS. It is here, it is happening now. And it is demanding attention. How do you express what you’re feeling when you’re not even sure what it is exactly? Is it a need? A want? A symptom of anxiety? Is it even YOUR feelings? Is it something that you are feeling because you tend to take on the emotions of the people you’re closest too? How can you ever really be sure your thoughts and feelings aren't just a product of your environment? I have came to the conclusion that you cannot. Isn’t that thrilling? But that is not an acceptable idea to the ones we answer too in our lives. Our parents, our bosses,significant others, children. No one wants to hear that their child can’t make their own decisions. Bosses don’t want to fear that the new hire may change everyone's work ethic. Significant others don’t want someone they know and love to change from a new friend.
I ran into this issue my junior year of college. For years previous I had been focused, driven and a hard worker when it came to school and every aspect of my life. I was “successful”. My parents and grandparents were so proud. I could overhear them talking to their friends and our extended family. Bragging about my high GPA, the fact that I graduated high school with my AA degree, going into my junior of college at the young age of 18. I was “succeeding” in their eyes. It was great, and I was happy and content to be going off to college. I set up my space in my dorm room, met a ton of really wonderful people, enjoyed my classes. “Successful” right? So imagine my parents disappointment when I announced that spring quarter that I would be putting a pause on my schooling. The disappointment was nearly palpable. Everyone was convinced I was making a mistake, and they were not quiet about it. My family is not the type to let things just “happen”. Was it a mistake? Potentially. I don’t have enough information to make a conclusive statement about that… but will I ever?
But I wanted to travel. I wanted to see more than what the PNW had to offer me. I want the world to be my teacher. I want to learn from a little old lady in Cambodia, a child in Botswana, a soldier of a communist country. I know that I am able and capable to be so much more than what I could be if I were to stay. Not to say that following a more traditional route is hindering people. In fact I think for most people it is the most effective way to nurture their minds and grow. I am happy for them, I love and cherish many many people who grow that way. But it just so happens that I grow in a different way. I had plans to leave September 2014. But life caught up to me, working through some financial and some personal hurdles, I unfortunately had to postpone my plans.
It can feel a lot like failure to make this grand life decision and then not even follow through with what you set out to do. (A not so fun fact, had I left in September as planned I would of been in Nepal for that devastating earthquake and not have been able to address some health issues that would of otherwise caused very drastic problems down the road. It really makes you think.) Determined, I found work instantly as a nanny. I love children, if you know anything about me, you must know that I come from a family of 9. With 5 younger siblings, and 1 older. Babysitting since I was 10 and countless nanny positions since then.. I was what some might call experienced! I worked and worked and worked. Having to replenish my bank account. I was starting from scratch. In October I had $120 in my bank account. I got caught up in life, I was having fun. I lived with my best friends, 2 kitties, 2 dogs. I could feel my direction slipping. And next thing I knew I was at my goal savings and it was time to buy my ticket. After hunting around for a while I finally found one that was to my liking at the tiny price of $527. One way that is.
So there I was. It was time to make that leap. To say goodbye to my brothers and sisters. My parents, grandparents, friends. I’ve purged myself of everything that I don’t need. Clothes that don’t fit. Hair products that’ll expire. A bed I won’t use. The place that I called home for the last year is no longer mine. All I had is my backpack, and my camera. Can those things make up for what I was leaving behind? I don’t have the answer. I don’t know. But I was going to go find out.