In my less than 40 years on this planet some really weird shit has happened to me. People tell me all the time I should write a book. However, there are way too many incidences to break down into categories. Also I am a verbal story teller and a reverse empath. I can flood my emotions into the story with my voice. When I write, my schooling takes over and It comes out like it was written by a proper English teacher.
I guess if I were to write a book about my life I would have to start with an outline. Next would be to fill in the detail of the situations. Probably for another day. Lets go way back as far as I can remember. This will be a journey for the both of us.
On a field trip in kindergarten I was crapped on by a seagull, twice.
While on a swing going high I kicked a boy's tooth out because I couldn't stop the swing. 5 years later I accidentally gave the same boy a paper cut on his eyeball.
Age 6 riding a bike in the hall of the house and big toe gets stuck in bike chain & has to be surgically removed. The chain not the toe! Doctors said it was almost impossible for the toe to get in there. But of course I managed it.
Once at the circus a lady randomly bought me cotton candy .
On a field trip out of state both my bra straps broke @ the same time.
I got sent to the principle for writing a note that my teacher was a bitch. The principle called the teacher down to apologize to me for harassing me.
Coming out of a restaurant age 8 ran all over the parking lot collecting money that was blowing around. $120 total in various denominations.
Age 16 a science class substitute's dentures fell out of his mouth and onto my lab table.
I once rolled into the back of a lady's car in a drive thru. She asked if I hit her car, I said "No" and she drove away.
A man playing a table game at the casino gave my boyfriend and I over $300 randomly through out the night so we would continue to play.
An biplane crash landed on the road right in front of where I was driving.
A drunken old man came the wrong way down a one way. He hit the back tires of the big rig in front of me, slingshotting him right around me.
Rummaging through some free clothing @ a community center, my friend was saying "what ifs". I said "yeah and i'm going to pull $20 out of these jeans" and I did!
One day the rack & pinion stuck on my car while driving down the road. I yanked the crap out of it because I was headed into a corner with oncoming traffic. It let go spinning me 180 across to the breakdown lane on the other side of the road between 2 telephone poles.
I was in the back seat of same car that needed 3 tow trucks to pull it out of a tree after it crashed. Out of the 6 of us no one died or had serious injuries. (crash was driver error not malfunction)
Once the hood blew off my car while driving down the highway.
My accelerator stuck in my new car on the highway. I couldn't go over 30 miles an hour. I pulled off into the breakdown lane in just enough time to avoid getting rear ended. Everyone in front jacked up because a big rig fishtailed causing an accident. I would have been the jelly in a auto smash sandwich.
I once bought a truck for $87 it only needed a new radiator.
I stopped to admire a gorgeous log cabin. The owner came out and gave me a tour including a very detailed play by play of what he called the "drunken indian shenannignas" who built it.
I once had a lady put turnips in my cart at the grocery store. I put them back. She found me at the check out lane and put them on the belt in my order.
A lady followed me around the grocery store while I shopped telling me about her constipation problems.
Went to the Naval base to check out a car for sale. Got super searched with machine guns and a huge stationary gun pointed at us. They searched the car inside and out with mirrors & things that weighed the doors!
I spent the day @ the museum. I didn't realize how much it would cost for parking and I couldn't get out of the garage! I went back in and explained the situation. A guy with piercing blue eyes told me no big deal & gave me a voucher. He says have a good day "my name!" So I mentioned it to the guy in the booth on the way out but he said no guys work in the customer service booth. weird.
Needed rent $ and found a diamond ring on the beach.
I won his and her corvettes in a raffle, but couldn't have them because no one would lend me $5000 for the taxes. I even offered to trade one of the cars! Kids don't know a lot of people with money.
Another time when on vacation I saw an ad "cheating husband loses out 95 Corvette $1" After joking about it all day we actually called. Someone had just bought it FOR A DOLLAR!
A popular mansion we had visited before had a gate open that's usually closed. Behind the house we found about 50 nicely developed HEMP plants. SWEET! (ps this was years before it was close for a medical card)
Once I went through a New Jersey toll booth and I didn't give the guy any money just the ticket. He gave me back $6
A drunk lady wandered into my house through the front door. She spent a couple hours drying out after we decided she wan't a murderer. She wanted to buy our living room set and gave us $100 deposit. She paid another $100 for a ride 5 miles down the road to her house. Next day we delivered the set and she paid full price because she said the other benny was to hold it. We drove her home at 2 am and delivered it later around 10 am!
Our neighbor asked us to help her catch the neighbors cat....because it raped her poor kitty who was now pregnant. Oi
Once I was using the bathroom at 3 am, I ran outside and dragged a girl out of the middle of the road. She passed out there.
Once a lady came to my house with all the fixings for thanksgiving diner. She told me to cook it and she'd be back later. Apparently she was the crack head mother of a girl who used to live there. She never came back.
Another time a naked crack head lady (real crack head she od'd all the time) knocked on my door to use the phone. She sat for 30 minutes calling her mom a c*nt for not giving her any money. The mom must of been elderly since this lady looked at least 50!
I took a drunken walk once with my friend. We visited some people on the way. On the way out I was going to steal a piece of pizza. Ended up stealing the whole pizza because it was one whole piece.
Shared a house with the uncle of a boyfriend in an upscale Rhode Island beach town. Found out later he was an FBI drug informant and the places he had us driving him around to were bust set ups!
Years later we were contacted by the property owner. The other guy was in jail. They paid us a couple grand to clean the house out on the DL and we got to keep what ever we wanted. I had an unlisted # so I'm assuming the FBI found me.
There's probably more but I'm too tired right now. I'll re read it tomorrow and see if maybe I have something to work with.
Thanx for listening and Blessed BE!