I am ALIVE!!! — Barely.
As I rolled out of bed this morning, I thought, “You know what? This week wasn’t that bad.” I’m happy to report that things have started to shape up – somewhat. There were still a few moments where I wanted to run straight into the stone wall, and continuously bang my head until it cracked open psycho smile. But recently I’ve thought about doing it less, which is a good thing. I think — don’t you? — I hope!
“Mother Dearest” and I seemed to have a breakthrough. She isn’t the bitch I thought she was. She still had her moments though, but I’ve begun to feel like it’s manageable - Stockholm syndrome maybe? Lol, I hope not. Apart from the long hours; you know? My F.O.U.R.T.E.E.N hours shift! Yes, that number that comes after thirteen! Four- teeeen hours! - Sorry, I’m just trying to show you the extent to which my dream was important to me! Fourteen god darn hours!!! Okay, I think you got it.
OH! Let’s not even mention my breaks. LOL, the two half-dead breaks I was ‘kindly’ given and that’s if I had a chance. Once they were missed, I’d be expected to continue without one. I ate so quickly, it felt like I stole the food and was trying to hide the evidence. Yet, that wasn’t fast enough for Mother Dearest. If I could read her mind I’m sure it sounded like:
“Why are you not eating faster! Just inhale! Don’t chew! You don’t have time for these luxuries, do you think this is a bloody holiday!?” — EAT FASTERRRRR...Seems accurate.
If you’re having breakfast during Wednesday – Sunday – ESPECIALLY, on the weekends! Please eat for me as well, because right now breakfast is a luxury. There were times I almost choked. It’s a struggle. Hold on while I vent a little.
turns on slow violin music
I can’t even tell when last I took a proper shit. I ate so quickly my food never digested properly. Let’s just say after my shift, instead of taking a bubble bath, my time was spent on the toilet making some ghastly noises. It wasn’t pretty, neither did it smell anything like roses.LOL! I know. TMI!
Let’s pause for a second as I sip on my Nescafe coffee that may or may not have a hint of Absolute Vodka. I recommend you do the same (Don’t worry I wouldn’t tell your boss ;)) because this episode is about to get strange.
Have you ever had that feeling when you know you were being watched? A cold chill runs up your spine. The hairs on your neck stand at attention, and there’s a voice that nudges you, to either turnaround or open your eyes. It amazes me how our bodies can sense that. Lucky for me it does.
It all happened the day before my day off, around 4:30 A.M. I remembered it so vividly. I went to bed that night later than normal. I was up speaking to Johnson - I guess it was an interesting enough conversation to have me awake until after 12 in the morning. wink wink. Whilst I was sleeping, drooling my life away, I suddenly had that feeling to open my eyes.
As my heavy eyes struggled to open, I sensed a presence in the room. It was all a blur. Oh, how I wish my sight was a lot better, I thought. My eyes slowly scanned the room. To the left of the room, there was nothing out of the ordinary by the closet nor the one window in the room. Then, I started to hear heavy breathing. I was certain there was someone in the room - either that or this experience was getting to me more than I had thought.
Was it a burglar? Was it a ghost? Was I dreaming? Those were my thoughts as I slowly turned my head to the right. I was petrified. I felt the hot air on arm. My eyes were wide open as though I was hit with three shots of adrenaline. There he stood at the side of the bed staring at me. I couldn’t see his face that well but his presence seemed detrimental. “What the fuck” I whispered. “Corey!?” I continued.
Suddenly, “Where’s daddy?!” he yelled.Bam Bam He stomped his feet and moved closer towards me. Any closer he would’ve been in my bed.“Where’s daddy!?” He continued yelling. I know Corey is only a Ten year old but my body became tense. I took a deep breath, my heart skipped a couple of beats, but I had to recoup. These things happen on a regular for nannies, I assumed. I got out of bed, placed my hand on his back:
“C’mon Corey let’s go back to your room," I instructed him.
Corey said nothing but proceeded to walk along with me. I squinted to find my way to his room and back. As I got back to my room I quickly locked the door behind me and went under the covers. I laid in bed scared out of my mind, thinking what if Corey came back? Then I heard a noise. It sounded like heavy footsteps. “Oh! Great, it’s his dad,” I said. But it wasn’t so. I laid there in the darkness staring at the door.
“Where’s daddy... Where’s daddy!?” Corey said while attempting to open the door.
His dad eventually heard and took him to his room. As I laid there, a dark thought arose “what if he came in and hurt me or tried to kill me?!”
“What the FUCK Kari! What are you doing… thinking of such things,” I questioned myself.
Why did I react and allow my thoughts to wonder that far? I treated him as though he was a monster. But why!? Guilt took over my body. I became disappointed in myself. Thoughts don’t just stem out of from nowhere. I had to think deeply about what could have caused those thoughts...those feelings to occur. Maybe it had to do with “that” image from a few days ago. I could not seem to get it out of my mind. Luckily, she had no major damage. It happened so quickly. I’ve seen siblings fight before; SHOOT! I’ve fought with my brother multiple times while growing up. And I don’t mean tag or a soft hit - I am talking about WWE Friday night smackdown.
It was normal. Siblings always fight. Yet, why was I still shaken up by the incident? It had to be something else. I dug a little deeper and replayed the week in my mind. Maybe it had to do with what Liza shared with me and how she treated him.
xoxo