Anyone who has ever had a narcissist in their life understands how emotionally damaging and life-destroying it can be. Experts say that narcissists seldom end up in therapy - but all those around them do! Narcissists never believe that the problem lies with them, so it's hard to gain an understanding of what goes on inside us, and what drives our behavior. As I have now accepted my narcissism, this post may give some insight into the workings of my troubled mind.
So what is my motivation for writing this post - money? attention? redemption? I honestly don't know - I've been lying to myself about my motives for so long now that I'm unsure. Maybe this is just a way to start telling the truth about who I really am.
It was not easy to accept myself as a narcissist and know that I cannot be changed or cured. But over time I've learned how to minimize the destructive impact I have on others - by simply staying away from them. My life is lived mostly alone - allowing myself only short interactions with those who still allow me into their lives. I must always retreat back into self-imposed isolation before I become "comfortable" enough to begin controlling, manipulating and deceiving them. I carefully mask my true self and pray that they will never discover the dark truth about me.
Being constantly alone is difficult and confronting - in solitude the narcissism cuts through me like a knife. My endless idealism is all I have to fill the void - dreams, enthusiasm, and delusions of grandeur hide the truth when I fall short of my aspirations. An endless list of goals is followed by the inevitable fear of failure. My mind is an engine-operated paradox - thoughts are constantly racing, conflicting with one another, pushing and pulling between aspirations and reality, churning my mind into mush, until I no longer think clearly. I love to write, but suspect that this is just a clever ploy to convince others of my pseudo-intelligence and achievements. I am 48 and more accomplished than many of my peers, yet I'm lost in my own deceit and emptiness. Insecurity constantly questions my identity, tormenting me in a condescending tone like that of my mother. “You’ll never be good enough,” it says, drowning out all memory of past accomplishments, appreciation, and achievement that would otherwise make me feel worthy.
How did I become this? As with most Narcissists the answer lies in the earliest years of life. My childhood was marred by a controlling narcissistic mother and a sexually abusive brother. This combination conditioned me to shut the world out and embark on solo adventures at a very young age. The quest to find an alternative life began when I was 5 years old, I simply walked out the back door in the middle of the night, in order to escape a family I thought I didn’t belong in. I would find a new one. Walking in the darkness I searched for comfort in the unknown because I could not reconcile the reality of my life. I was returned to my home swiftly, but from that point on, my mind became absorbed with the idea of “escaping,” and if confronted with a negative situation - I would merely abandon it and move on. I shut away the pain, surrounding myself in grandiose thoughts of acceptance, love, and beauty in order to cope with my destructive present. I learned to believe that emotions were for the weak, and that everything is a psychological battle. My sadness could be controlled by ignoring it. Consequently, I grew into an emotionally absent adult, unable to identify with feelings, because I didn’t acknowledge them in my youth. I understand my pain, anger, and frustration, but I can’t feel love, happiness, or gratitude. My heart is submerged under a lifetime of padding, and I am unable to empathize with all of the buttery feelings that make a person complete. The thirst to escape still lives in me – I am praised for being “adventurous” but I know it’s because I am lost.
Detached from reality now, I'm feel like a zombie - parasitically living but mentally absent and emotionally dead. I am a little girl lost, roaming in the hollow shell of a past that no one knows or cares about. I fantasize about disappearing, disassociating with my past, and running away. I have spent my entire life contriving a public image that would compensate for the shame, regret, and pain that’s suppressed in me. I can’t sleep, my mind won’t turn off. Plagued with insomnia, I drift through my life, mechanically checking off errands, insidiously smiling at society and behaving as I'm expected to. I feel as if I’m crawling out of my own skin. My entire life, I have been asking myself ‘who am I?’ But now I find the question is changing to – "when will this be over"
This is just the tip of my personal iceberg, a short introduction to the dark workings of my mind. I know I am not a good person, and never can be. My goal now is to be a better person than I have been and minimize the damage I cause to others. Who knows, one day I may be able to actually confront all the wrong I have done - but I'm not ready for that yet.
Will I write about this again? Perhaps, but these are hard truths to face and even harder to share. I would like to converse with victims of narcissism to answer their questions if I can, which may help us understand each other. The anonymity of the internet allows me to take these first steps towards reconciling my past, but as my inevitable fear of failure once again overcomes me, I realize that I will make that decision based on the response to this post.