So, I made a rule for myself to take Sundays off from posting, but today would be my sister's 34th birthday, so I wanted to post this today in her honour.
This song for this week's Songwriters Challenge theme is about her--about the experience of her death when I was a little girl, and reflections on processing it decades down from the event itself.
I've written literally hundreds of songs--about everything you can possibly imagine. But I have never written a song about this. That's been mostly a decision. I never had the motivation or desire to; some things are so intimate and precious, and somehow just with no sense of enough true listeners so far, and not wanting to be vulnerable especially with people I see regularly, I just didn't want to. That whole "don't cast your pearls before swine" thing, and not wanting to feel bound to talk about it anymore than I did in a song (people often demand/feel entitled to a lot of you when you share your heart musically).
But between making a deal with myself to write more from the gut with less poetic distance as is my normal way (I've often written my grief or heartbreak through the stories of others), the challenge of this week's theme (Till We Meet Again), and, honestly, most importantly: you guys, who are captive and truly listening to what I share. I couldn't share something like this and just have it drop, and I really don't believe that will happen here.
So, I share it with trust in your listening ear, and cherishing hearts. There is a very good chance you may be the only audience who ever hears this song.
So the favour I ask is that if you watch it, please commit to watching through the whole song.
It's not a perfect take, but that's because you can't do a lot of takes on something like this.
It's also long, because some things also deserve more than the radio-ready 3:20 (Did you know there is an actual Industry standard down to the second? Talk about artistic integrity..). Many of my favourite singer-songwriters have ventured into 6 minute territory with their most vulnerable and beautiful work and I never felt it was too long (Jewel, Tracy Chapman, Lifehouse, Penny & Sparrow), so why not me?
Finally, I just ask that comments/questions stay focused on the song itself rather than my experience and the tragedy; it's very personal to share this, and a big step for me, and I'm not in a place to want to share more than I already have, so thank you in advance for respecting that.
Lyrics below.
"January" by Kay Clarity
Sister, you’ve been gone a long time now
Six feet in the ground
I know, I know
Sister, you left in the morning
I slept through the warning
I woke to you cold
Still remember the sleep in my eyes
And the dreary way I didn’t cry
How I went back to sleep and pretended to keep
Everything still intact in a warm summer dream
It was January
A little girl doesn’t know why you left her
Are a woman’s eyes better
To see through the grief
I’m a poet—a lifeblood disaster
A warm-hearted master
Of words—maybe you’ve heard?
Still remember the sleep in my eyes
And the dreary way I didn’t cry
How I went back to sleep and pretended to keep
Everything still intact in a warm summer dream
It was January
It was January
It was January
Sister, I’m alone in the dust now
Trying to bust down
The doors of the world
Meet me in the flickers of daylight
After the strong night
Again, meet me again
Again, meet me again
Still remember the sleep in my eyes
And the dreary way I didn’t cry
How I went back to sleep and pretended to keep
Everything still intact in a warm summer dream
How I fought to believe in a better ending
How I kept myself cold and waited for heat
How the days are like years and the decades like weeks
Now it’s twenty long years since that last heartbeat
It was January
It was January
Copyright 2017
xx,
Kay
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