My spirituality was never very high, I don't follow any religion and I always believed that you can explain everything in a rational way and that I am in a complete control over my life. I am also generally very happy with my life so I never felt the need of any spiritual enhancement.
Yet, this year I realized something I did not like about myself. I have been told many times but it took me a while to digest it and started doing something about it. There were two issues - I was failing at communication and I was not being present for those who needed me.
So I started seeking answers, started educating myself about communication - that was my usual way to fix anything. Understand the subject well, and only once I knew the theory in and out, I could take actions and improve. I guess this mostly works with skills, but maybe when it comes to such a personal issues, it was not the best approach. And it so happened that as a part of my self-improving journey, I accepted the idea of trying to go for a meditation.
I went there with all the negative thoughts in my head that this is not for me and I will not be able to meditate. Fast forward one hour later, I am crying and trying to share what I have seen and felt during the meditation. Super intense experience. I went for a guided and sharing meditation. You follow a small story that the instructor is telling and you try to let your thoughts go and dive deeper in your subconscious.
My first ever meditation was about our totemic animals. You are guided through a small story but what animal you see and what message it gives you, it is something you have to find in yourself. I met a fox with a beautiful long furry tail. She came to me and was supposed to take me somewhere. But then I felt like she is fooling me and she does not want to take me there. The next moment she stopped and jumped on me and she wanted to play. At first, I did not want to, we were supposed to go somewhere, that was the plan. Then I gave up and started playing with her, it was so joyful, the inner child was awakened. Because of all my projects, my entrepreneurial ambitions and because I was pushing so hard on everything I did, I forgot to play, I forgot to have fun, I forgot that I need to be present for my family and friends. It was a clear message for me to change.
The second meditation we did that day was related to our mothers. I love my mother, she is an amazing woman with a lot of emotional baggage from her dysfunctional family. She never felt loved as a kid so she did not know how to give love. My father helped her to open up more and accept love, but with me, it was very difficult for her. During my teenage age, our relationship was very difficult, we could not find a way to each other. Eventually, a few years later, after I moved abroad, things got much better. We learned how to respect and appreciate each other. But what happened in past years stayed as a baggage for both of us. During the meditation we were taken on a journey back in time, starting from a teenage age going back to childhood and all the way back to mother's womb. In there, it was the most intense experience. I felt connected with my mother like never before, we were one person. I felt all her emotions, the fear of me being her first kid and questioning if she will do well as a mother, I also felt the purest and strongest love to me that she never knew how to express. I was crying, my emotions were so strong I could barely share my story when the meditation was over. I have to say it was really a turning point for me. I found a peace with all what happened, I embraced my mother's emotions and the fear that was just an expression of her love, and I started loving her with a new intensity, purity and I let the baggage disappear for both of us.
The old me would recommend anybody with family issues to go for counseling. But in meditation, I found the strongest help I could ever imagine that goes beyond my rational way of thinking and has a profound impact on my life. Once you feel emotions of others as if they were yours, they actually become yours. Your heart and soul will open and you will heal, not only yourself but others as well.