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I was thinking of my decisions and choices of late and there was much confusion I had to parse through.
When buying an apple - we look at the colour, shape, quality and price. We make the comparison and then we buy.
When looking for a car - we look at budget, performance, the purpose of use, price etc.
When looking for a job - we look at what creates excitement, or the salary, the company or the distance from our home.
The point is we make decisions everyday. Some easy, some not so easy.
I am someone who makes decisions based on a lot of pros, cons, consequences, outcomes etc etc etc. I basically want to make sure that my decisions meet these criteria:
- I won't regret it
- It is the right thing
This has worked for me in ALL my years - until it didn't.
Recently I was reviewing my decision on a human relationship and I realised that this reasoning, which worked in all the previous ones - somehow didn't apply here.
I was curious and looked a little deeper at what was happening on the back of my mind.
I noticed a very subtle thing that was lurking in a corner.
In order to ensure my decision was not going to cause regret - I had to make sure that it was the RIGHT one.
In order to make it the right one - I had to BE RIGHT, and the other person had to be WRONG.
Now I'm not condoning one party or the other. Just that there WAS the presence of such reasoning.
You see - if I was wrong - then I would either punish myself, beat myself up, feel regret, guilt and remorse until I apologised OR fixed the situation.
Now what happens when the situation is not something that should be fixed. Or what if it couldn't be fixed? What if it wasn't either?
HUH?
Yes, I found myself in a situation where I saw the whole thing and instead of MAKING the RIGHT choice - I looked at how my mind was processing this entire thing.
My mind was having a few computational errors - and so I was ruminating.
I decided to ask a different question - what are the conditions I have SET for the decision to be right or wrong.
Then I asked - what if I remove these SET conditions and just looked at HOW I was processing this whole thing.
I realised something very significant.
I wanted to FEEL HAPPY with the right one - which meant I had to justify it by finding ALL that was WRONG with the OTHER options/person etc.
BUT if I was WRONG - then I felt regret and wanted to make things RIGHT again - by fixing it.
But I didn't really "feel" FIXING IT was the best thing to do - so I felt GUILT - as I had "done something WRONG" and was not owning up to my mistake.
This whole - IF this THEN that concept is not unique. We ALL do it. I don't know how much we are aware of it. Well, because obviously we don't want to stare at a bag of chips and have a greek dialogue over it. We want to make that decision and move on with our lives!
BUT - what if we are met with life circumstances we just can't consolidate or compute. If we are lucky we realise such a situation is present in our lives. Sometimes - we continue living and making decisions based on our RIGHT and someone or something else being WRONG.
It sounds so simple and easy when I write about it now - intuitive even - but it sure didn't seem like it a few hours ago.
I asked myself if I would change the decision. NO! was a resounding feel from my entire being. The facts presented were not helping my case.
So I had to drop into my heart and ask myself - what were my values. What did I desire and what experience did I want.
The ANSWER was clear - I knew what I wanted.
But I was riddled with guilt, punishment, regret etc etc and thinking that I had to prove myself right.
The truth is I didn't need to do any of that. The only thing stopping me from owning my decision and taking FULL responsibility for it was my own FEAR. Fear of consequences.
And my lack of courage and conviction in standing up for what I truly valued - i.e. I was not valueing my own values enough.
So easy to fall into the trap of appearing to be DOING the right thing, making the right choice based on how we THINK the world will judge us - and forget OUR own internal thermostat.
Be it in relationships, work, social situations - our information processing and decision making is often skewed and rushed based on expectations and conditions.
It may take a little bit longer and some really hard honest questions - but it is worth making the right choice with CLARITY in what we wish to experience that is in alignment with our values.
Of course a healthy dose of grace, humility and compassion in communicating it goes a long way.
HOW DOES THIS HELP?
- It helps me honour and value myself
- Makes me a better advocate, friend and coach for myself
- Builds greater courage and strength in standing up for what I believe in
- It helps exude unbridled authenticity! :)
We all know this, want this, and even believe that we stand up for what be believe.
But are we doing so from a space of LOVE and RESPECT for ourselves OR JUDGEMENT and BLAME on others.
The difference is not subtle - it is HUGE. And the value we place upon ourselves in standing up for this, is a powerful step in SELF-LOVE. By raising the bar for ourselves - we create greater possibilities for ALL.