DISCLAIMER - Please forgive typos and not-so cohesive passages.

Well, shit

I meant to write a whole lot in the 2 weeks since I quit drinking and reduced my smoking to next-to-nothing, in preparation for surgery but I blew it. Part of why I've been more or less absent here has everything to do with using RSO. It really has been very difficult to maintain focus long enough to complete any work because the mental haze is so overwhelming. I think it's been especially challenging for me to get anything done because I don't use weed habitually so the high dose I need to take is intense. Even just trying to communicate verbally has (at times) been a bunch of the frustrate because ...forming sentences ...no can do! Just getting my thoughts from the internal to the external (in even sort of cohesive English) is exhausting depending on what time of day it is.

Another issue the RSO is creating is a disconnect on my hand-eye coordination. Trying to work the various software/apps it takes for me to create new material has been wildly annoying. I mean, I've been using these programs for years, so it seems like I should be able to do it on auto-pilot, right? Turns out, no such. I can see the button that needs pushing but I get lost in the middle of the sequence and then sit there stunned for a few seconds before I simply blank out on the next step.

The other part of why I've been so silent these past two weeks is (and I couldn't have predicted this because I didn't know it was a thing til it became a problem) I have a very serious case of forest/trees going on. I thought it would be easy enough to objectively present my experience in an almost journalistic manner. But it turns out, I'm not so great at expressing thoughts and feelings about a frightening circumstance while I'm in the middle of going through it.

The good news

The 4 month-long wait for surgery is finally over. Tomorrow, I go in realreal early for the operation to remove the mass. I'm a little nervous about it but whenever intrusive, panicky thoughts about being maimed or killed on the table drift in, I dismiss them. I treat them like their not even my thoughts and say out loud, "That's not for me. I'm not entertaining it." Then I take a deep breath and remind myself that of all the things that could go wrong, I have a lot of advantages that will make it easier for me to get through it safely.

It is not always totally possible to keep from falling into a fearful and/or self-pitying state of mind. Most of the time I can think intellectually about the negative emotions and work through them in the moment. But in the few instances when I was unable to cope, I went ahead and permitted the panic run it's course while examining the question, what's the worst possible outcome if this-or-that happens? The answer for me is always, death. While I'm not afraid of dying, I'm not ready for it either. So the best I can do is hope that tomorrow is not my day to die... AND to keep in mind that being so close to a potentially deadly situation magnifies the severe nature of mortality. But it's important to remember that tomorrow is not a given for anyone with or without the risks involved with surgery... or driving a car... or any of the thousands of other things that could kill you. I find embracing a little morbidity helps to put things back into perspective.

I'd like to take this opportunity to say one more time, to those of you who have been with me through this, thank you! Your friendship has been my compass. I love you guys and am optimistic about the path we're on together. It's been a lot of fun building our connections and I look forward to a lot more of it.

For anyone out there who's going through something similar, I just want you to know that regardless of the outcome, everything is going to be okay. Your own tenacity will propel you though the worst of it. It's up to you to be your own loudest cheerleader. I'm hoping that the little bit I did get to share with you through these few posts will be helpful in some way- even if it's just to make you laugh a little.