Has online dating changed or do some men just have zero game these days?
I found myself single and created a profile on a dating site. I've been messaged by a few dating 'veterans,' you know, the ones whose capacity for commitment is limited to logging in to the dating site to review the matches the algorithm has found for them. I am also messaged by other guys who seem to genuinely want to find a girlfriend but don't have enough game to actually get a woman to meet them in person. Maybe these are the type of guys that can learn from my experience, to see things from a different point of view, and to get their game on.
I received this message from CarDude on the dating site (all usernames have been changed to protect the romantically challenged).
I will click to 'Like' a profile but I don't message guys first (reasons why could fill a whole post).
Men are visual, sexual creatures and a coffee date is a cheap, easy way for them to put as little effort as possible into meeting a woman for the 0.5 seconds they need to check her out. I think men know within the first few seconds of meeting a woman if they are attracted to her. Coffee might work for a guy but it is not good for what a woman needs to feel attraction and romance. For guys, it is all visual and the location does not matter, it could be at a fancy restaurant or waiting in line for a gas station restroom, it's all good.
I blame the coffee
Most people want to feel loved and really do want to experience a loving relationship, it is at the top of people's lists and a motivating factor for going through the agony that is online dating. Coffee dates are the one of the reasons why more romantic connections are not being created. Coffee is for interviews. Men and women are on dating sites to find a partner in life and coffee is not the way to go about it. Coffee is reserved for catching up with my girl friends and gaysians (gay asian friends). I purposely go for coffee with guys that I only want to be friends with. Really, this is such a no-brainer that they should make a chain of coffee shops called The Friend Zone, so it can be super clear to guys that if a woman invites you there for coffee, she's putting you in the friend category; and if they take a woman they are interested in romantically there for coffee they will most likely end up in the friend zone in more ways than one. The atmosphere in a coffee shop is not conducive to creating romance, it's conducive to eating donuts and the A-frame hug. It is not the romantic setting that women need to feel special and seeing a guy as more than just a friend.
Hypervigilance
Coffee makes me jittery and intense and makes my brain even more hypervigilant and focused on finding errors than it usually is. Imperfections are a part of being human but not good to focus on during a first date. Suggestions of a coffee date leave me wondering about the real reason why a guy is suggesting coffee over any other type of date. When a coffee date is suggested, I wonder, "Is this guy a player or does he have absolutely no game at all? Is he going on so many dates that he can only afford to spring for coffee? Or is he not going on many dates and is just so broke that he can only afford coffee? Has he been too generous in the past by offering to wine and dine women he has just met and has been taken advantage of? Is coffee the only option because he is a recovering addict? Is he expecting to meet at 10 am during his coffee break?" I don't really want to drink coffee at 4 pm and be up until 2 am buzzed on caffeine and an evening coffee date is so low-rent that doesn't even make sense.
Disqualified!
I think the real reason a guy asks a woman out for coffee is to disqualify them. It is to take a quick look to see if they are attracted to the woman and have the opportunity to ask a set questions that will disqualify the woman if they are answered incorrectly. It is more like an interview because guys are suggesting coffee and meeting in a very low-budget way with an attitude of disqualifying the woman rather than meeting with an attitude of inclusion and spending the time and effort it takes to really get to know someone. How well do you really know someone after an 20-minute anxious round of coffee? Not very.
Wine is the answer, now what was the question?
Wine, as opposed to coffee, creates a space for relaxation and a results in better chance of getting comfortable with the other person. Wine actually rates up there with oysters across culture and ethnicity as being a hella aphrodisiac. I don't think that men should offer dinner for the first meeting but they should put a bit of effort in and offer to meet for an alcoholic beverage of some kind. I am not a big drinker but wine makes me feel warm and fuzzy and is an aphrodisiac for me. Two glasses of wine and I am almost at my limit, three glasses and I want to make out with someone, STAT! This is good for romance. I think guys should ask women out for anything other than coffee and wine will compensate for the large number of limitations of a first meeting and will make the woman feel more comfortable and relaxed. And perhaps most importantly, it will make the guy seem more attractive and interesting.
Coffee drama
Five days later (that's me on the right in the blue)
Hmmmm... A fair bit of drama already which seems disproportionate to the proposal of a coffee interview, I mean, it's not like he's meeting my parents. My hypervigilant brain (even when it is not fueled by caffeine) is already thinking the worst, CarDude's response actually makes me wonder if he is an addict who has just been triggered by the mere suggestion of happy hour. Yes, is weird for me that you are making such a big deal about happy hour, come on, it is the best hour of the entire day.
Zero effort
Ok, now this is really going sideways and we haven't even met yet. You are asking me to meet you on the same day that you asked, having assumed that I would be free and now you want me to cross a bridge to meet you? If you are going to suggest coffee at least meet me in my hood.
Match the energy
Ok, if for some genetic reason you were born without the enzyme that converts wine from a toxic substance in your body, then ok, I will meet you at 3 pm at a coffee shop. But I will be matching your energy and effort so don't expect me to look fabulous for an afternoon coffee meeting. You will get what my gf's and gaysians get when I meet them for coffee, me looking all sporty in a baseball cap with a pony tail sticking out through the back of it. I might be wearing yoga pants but don't get excited because yoga pants are are basically sweat pants which are only a notch up from pajama bottoms. If I could, I would wear baggy sweats to meet you for an afternoon coffee but this is Yaletown and there is a dress code that I unknowingly agreed to adhere to when I moved into this neighborhood.
Yoga vs. Sweat Pants
When I first moved to Yaletown, I went to an organic grocery store wearing sweat pants and no makeup. All the women shopping were in full hair and makeup and were dressed like they were going to a club for a wild night out. It was early on a weeknight and they were just picking up a few things while looking fabulous as per usual, their chihuahuas wearing pink bomber jackets waiting outside. Since then, I make an effort to look good when I go out, yoga pants and minimal makeup at the very least; plus I am single now and you never know when you might meet someone in the plantain/kale chip section of your local overpriced organic market.
First Meeting
I arranged to meet CarDude at Urban Fare, a trendy grocer on my side of the bridge. I got there early and treated myself to a smoking hot American misto with soy. I drank it through a straw that started melting and texted him that I was sitting at a table outside. I was physically tired from working out that morning and wired from the coffee at the same time, bad combination. I was still in my workout gear, yoga pants, baseball cap and suggested we go for a walk on the seawall thinking I could burn some more calories and it wouldn't be a total loss. Lots of questions from CarDude which were sussing me up to see if I could fit into his lifestyle and his set ways of being. He was soooo boring yawn and just as I had guessed, he had made a choice to stop drinking because of his father's and his first ex-wife's relationship with alcohol. I get it, he could see a negative pattern and didn't want to continue but did he really need to lead with that? He mentioned that Urban Fare served wine and I could have had wine while he had tea. That would have been a good strategy for him because wine would have distracted me from his barrage of interview questions and would have made him seem a lot more interesting and attractive.
Back to the interview
His feet were hurting because he wore dress shoes on the walk so we turned back. He said he would be in touch and that maybe we could go see a movie. I thought about thanking him in a text later but for what? I bought my own coffee so no opportunity there. A suggestion of movie for a second date it is almost as lame as coffee for the first. Sitting in a dark room with someone you barely know with no real opportunity to get to know each other more. What is really going on here?
Romantic options
Seriously, how can you build romance with caffeine and workout gear? Men might only need to get a quick visual to be attracted but women need to have a bit of romantic ambiance. I want to dress up a little, do my hair and look forward to going out to a nice place for a fancy drink, it's special.
Play by play
Guys, take note on a great way to get a date with someone you have been chatting with online. Flyguy53 offers the choice coffee or wine. I am on the right in the purple.
He just took away the guesswork by giving the woman the choice. Genius! This is a good strategy because I had a girlfriend who just liked to meet guys for coffee. He is also letting me choose the time and location. This makes it easier for a guy who is trying to make plans with a woman because it is challenging to take things from an online chat to a meeting in person. I liked his enthusiasm with his "I am in" comment and positively reinforcing setting up the meeting.
Here is another good example from Kielbasa asking about the time of day and letting me pick an earlier or later meeting time.
This really made me feel comfortable and made me feel like I had choice in the matter. It is a great way to ask because it gives the option of day or evening , the woman can choose whatever she feels more comfortable with. He also threw in a compliment on my recently posted pics, nice! Kielbasa also gave a day's notice rather than trying to meet the same day which shows that the guy can think ahead, make a plan, keep his word, and show up like he said he would. I think one day's notice on a weekday is acceptable, but guys should give two day's notice if they are planning a date for a Friday or Saturday. If a guy messages a woman the day before a Friday or Saturday, that is not enough notice and we are almost obligated to decline because we should really have something planned or at least pretend to have it going on.
Textbook agreement followed with an open-ended plan that gives the woman a lot of choice and makes her feel like she is being taken to her favourite spot. Personally, I like the ambiance that is created after dusk, and met Kielbasa at a place in my hood that has a nice atmosphere and great lighting, it's the one thing that you want on the date that is dimly lit. Kielbasa didn't drink either but just didn't make a big deal and ordered a tea while I had wine at my favourite trendy spot. Bravo!
Just the tips (for guys)
- Don't suggest dinner the first time you meet - it's too much too soon.
- Meet for wine or at least offer the choice of a coffee or a drink for the first meeting.
- If you are on a budget, suggest a place you can afford.
- If you are spending too much money taking lots of women out for drinks then just focus on a select few, it will subconsciously give the women you choose to take out more value in your eyes which will also help create a stronger connection as opposed to blazing through a hundred coffee dates with random women.
- Limit the date to a couple of drinks and then leave if you are not feeling it.
- Don't expect women to be available to meet the same day but if you are just looking for a hook up then why not meet for a coffee?
On Deck: Two Dinner Dates - How To Make an Invitation Go Sideways https://steemit.com/dating/@kianakali/two-dinner-dates-how-to-make-an-invitation-go-sideways