'Twas the best of times, 'twas the worst of times. I had decided to open a business account with a bank which is not my bank, because my bank, Banky 1, treats me oddly and I don't want them to treat my business as oddly as they treat me. Also, I've spoken with many small business owners and they all raved about Banky 2, with nothing much good to say about Banky 1 or any of the other Bankies, for that matter.
Worst of times
I had to actually go into a bank, something I dread, because, well, banks. The occasion itself was exciting - finally opening a bank account for my new-ish business, because...
Best of times
...I expect TO INVOICE THIS MONTH!! Enfin, asteur!, as we would say in Montreal. And before you ask, cryptofriends, yes, I do have to do this in the real world.
Painful reality
I took the requisite two hours to check online exactly what to take to the branch (because Banky 2 is so technologically advanced you have to lodge an online request before they'll tell you what phone number to call on if you don't have an account there), got the full list of papers and sundries needed for me to open The Account, then put on my big girl shoes and dragged myself down to the branch.
I managed to park at completely the wrong end of the mall which is under major reconstruction, making those big girl shoes awfully handy. Or footy, I suppose. Anyway, made it through the temporary pedestrian walkways indoors, lack of pedestrian walkways outdoors (you know, where those monster construction trucks transit nonstop) and megadust to reach my provisional Nirvana of The Bank Branch.
I was greeted by a friendly, helpful person who basically pre-processed me, and it was at that point that I discovered I didn't have the Right Form from the Companies and Intellectual Property Commission - although I had the front page of that all important 14.3, I didn't have the rest of 14.3 printed out. No prob, sez I, I'll just dip into Dropbox and e-mail it to you, kind agent of the Bank.
No mobile coverage.
And the free wi-fi in Banky 2 was so weird it wouldn't let me get into Dropbox.
Old style solution? Called the accountant's office and asked them to e-mail it to me and the kind agent.
I was then ushered to a (very) bright young thing who was actually most helpful and deserves kudos for customer service. Hope she goes far. In something other than the banking industry.
One and a half hours later, I was the proud holder of a genuine cheap South African business starter account and incredibly weary of the process.
What did I mean about Banky 1 treating me oddly?
Let me give you a few examples.
Banky 1 holds the bond on the house we live in. I've had to correct their records to reflect that address no fewer than three times since we moved in. You'd kinda think they'd know our address if they hold the bond (and we've had multiple interactions about it, so no excuse)...?
I asked Banky 1 for a reference letter (the kind that says I'm a wonderful person who they hold in high esteem since they've known me for yonks and I'm an awesome citizen and all that), and my Personal Private Banker (who I've never met, but have often spoken with on the phone - btw, they still use landlines), and to their credit only two things went awry.
- The first was that my Personal Private Banker called me to check what my address was (see 1 above - they actually had the right address on file, so how he didn't think to look in the file is beyond me). That was mildly amusing and worthy of a bit of morning sarcasm, but better was yet to come.
- I got the reference letter while I was sitting in Banky 2 opening the business account. I've learned not to just say thanks for sending the whatever without first checking the whatever. And the whatever seriously needed checking.
My Personal Private Banker had spelled my name wrong. Not once - nope, throughout the letter.
"Yes, We've known Lindsey Dyer for 20 years now and she's an amazing human being, but we think, like so many others out there, that her mother was wrong when she registered her birth and there should really be a 'd' in that first name. Pretty sure she won't notice."
I noticed.
Banky 1, this is not how social activism works. It's not even how passive aggression works. It's just a waste of your time and mine.
If this is how they could treat me, a "valued, loyal, 20-year customer", oh my goodness gracious me, what would they do to my business?
This took away any residual loyalty I didn't have anyway. And the sooner we can have as little as possible to do with banks, the better!
