So this is the first blog post, official post that I'll do EVERY week. Since I have Sunday's off I'll probably do it on that day. I'm going to give you fair warning now, since this is just an open journal of the meandering thoughts I have, you might be confused who I'm talking to or what the tense is, don't try and think about it. I'm just NOT editing my thoughts. It's better when the flow is undisturbed in order for me to convey my innards. Also I will find a format for my presentation as well as a little more thrilling content. Sometimes I just need to write to get things out. It's not really for you, but if you want to be apart...come on in.
So dreams have been rather stagnant but after realizing that weed really puts a damper on their construction, I know I must stop for some time and actually allow myself to feel good naturally. It's going to be a challenge and it's already proving to be feat.
I've been a dreamwalker since I was fairly young. The earliest, traumatic dream I have is being chased by Michael Meyers, and the only way I escape is by flying. Now mind you I was exposed to all sorts of media as a child when it came to music and movies. The horror movies, the thrillers, the drama's etc. All adult themed to a childish mind. But the greatest memory, the greatest experience that solidified my belief in something stronger than the physical was be floating above my bed. At the age of seven I was questioning many things, religion, people's mentalities, the whole curious child phase was in full bloom. Looking back again and again, regardless of if it was physically or astrally happening, my memory remembers it vividly. And from there my quest for spiritual knowledge intensified.
When I started smoking everything was good...but the more I smoked...the more my spirit was broken down. Paranoia, low self-esteem, sloth behavior...all the vices that I lacked began to swell in me. And I continually let them. Now don't get me wrong, cannabis spirit is great and can be utilized effectively. But right now, it's open doors to darkness that I know I have to experience while sober, in order for me to gain full control.
When I close my eyes, sometimes, and meditate, I'm thrown into this weird space where I see very silky bodies. Kaleidoscopes of humanoid beings forming into one another. Marble like in their construction, and it's definitely jarring with how large they are. And sometimes darker things pour forth, scaring my eyes open. I represent myself as this dark being, and instinctually I am. But the schism inside me is light and dark, and recognizing that I have a choice to be one and the other. Love comes in both frequencies. Personally I feel that this dichotomy stems from wanting to be in this world and beyond. I love the material and I love the transcendental. But you humans make it hard for me.
Anyway, my dreams. I've been struggling with mapping my internal worlds and the worlds I have access to outside of me. I know I've been to beautiful forest terrains. Cottages, dorms and apartments covered in greenery. But I've also gone into the world of 'Silent Hill' with monstrous manifestations that desired to hurt me. And my magic in these worlds wasn't strong enough to manifest and defend me. What am I doing? How do I enter this realm at will, with confidence and vigor. Am I allowed to be there, is something blocking me? Or am I just too scared to live in another reality for the sake of getting lost?
The Watery beings (mermaids, makara, succubus, etc) resonate within me, leading me to believe that my connection is dark and enlightened. But I have to swim deep in order to claim my power. But I can't even swim in the physical world. Maybe if I attempt to learn how to swim physically, I'll swim spiritually, with ease and bravery. Water is scary. It's life giving and all consuming. The idea of life and death is fascinating but it scares me, I yearn to know why. I'm not scared of death, but I don't like the idea of dying. I've accepted that I'm nothing and everything. I've accepted that my choices don't matter until they matter to me. And I've come to the FACT that this world is a large playground, with a narrative constructed by those in power. Physically and Immaterially. Your role in it all, what is it? A thrall that sits, eats, shits, fucks, sleeps and repeats? Or do you create a heavy impact with your ripple. Every choice has an outcome and and repercussion, but some choices are graver than others.
My place, what is it? Do I carve out my own story now that I recognize reality for what it is? Or do I have a part to play and experience? What's the difference?
I had a dream in the early morning. It was random. Clearly I was headed to a concert with two friends, friends didn't recognize. As we're walking I see that we're somewhere with enough grass to house a festival for edm heads tripped up on molly. I noticed my dress, it was things I had in my closet for sure. We sat near the back towards the left by a building where I clinged wall flower like. And right before my eyes, Sevdaliza appeared. She held the mic in her hand and everyone was cheering. Entering the crowd, she was headed straight for me. In my thoughts I'm thinking she's not coming to me...but she was. She sat down next to me, surrounded by her fans . She said "I do this with my friends" referring to creating and performing. She looked at me and said I was beautiful, and of course I DIED. But the scene continued to reveal that, "It's important to look and connect with your inner God...and..."
I replied with, "demon".
She said "exactly."
From there I awaken. I went to her instagram, and sent an email. I don't know why, I just thought it was important for my words to let her know how her dream self helped me realize things. And not only that but how her physical manifestation reflected me. So the email I sent was.
I don't know if you're going to read this or reply, but I had a dream that I saw you in concert. The terrain was new to me, it could have been in the uk, usa... I'm not sure. In thr dream I didn't know where we were going until I saw you on stage. You stepped into the crowd, greeting and meeting before sitting next to me. Into the Mic you said, "I do this with my friends, just sit close, chill, and create". It was so vivid, I could see you and feel your energy. You looked at me and said I was beautiful then I died (not literally).But the the most important thing that stuck out was something I've been fighting with myself. You said "its important to recognize your own god. And especially your own demon".
You've given, even if it wasn't actually you, the confidence to persue and peruse myself. When i see you dance I notice how I move when I'm with myself. When I look at t your album art and mv's I'm continually triggered because in my minds eye similar formations are conjured. In the real world they're beautiful and eerie. But when I'm alone when I meditate or sleep I become scared. Now I recognize I'm too embrace that "darkness" completely and with love.
I just wanted to say thank you, I'm a big fan, I love your work. You've inspired me. Even if it was just a dream, it and you spoke to me.
Blessings from my side.
-Moray
I've been connecting dots to so many things. Sometimes my idea is that my ego wants to be everywhere but I see how I walk through life and connect to the beings and people that represent those ideas. When I see her move, it's how I move when I'm dancing alone. Her spirituality seems to follow the same current as mine, but she's letting her goddess express itself in reality and gain worship. I want to let my god and my demon live...in harmony, with respect and love.
Currently I'm finding a way to reach my palace, my sanctuary, my dream space that is strictly mine. I don't know where the lies on my world tree, probably at the base. But every dream or projection I have I don't wake up in my bed, I awaken in the living and most frequently...the basement. I met a woman who wanted to dance with me, with her intestines in a bag on the floor. Maybe the basement is where I need to start to begin my travels. Can I handle the beasts that lie in wait? Our imaginations are powerful, some have more creativity in others...which can result in various things. For me, I can create nightmares, horrific images...terrifying beauty...enough to the point I'm scared of myself and my capabilities. But I take pride in it...oddly. I know dark bitch resides inside...but the sweet light child wants to enjoy himself...or maybe he likes being in the dark...we'll see soon enough.
So ascending or descending? Where do you fall? The thoughts, the desires, the fantasies you craft unconsciously, where do they take you?