So I don't know if I made a good decision. However I'm going to have to learn to persevere and suck it the fuck up if I truly fucked myself over. HOWEVER according to tarot readings, astrology readings and just a pure instinct, I'm finding 2018 to be a time for restructuring and oddly enough, going with the flow. Even though I already said that before. I'm a Man-child. Thick and through. Living with my grandmother and looking back at my habits, I've hardly graduated to full Grown adult. And while it saddens me that I'm not as mature as I thought I was. I am, in fact, much more child-like than I represent myself as. However the denial of my child hinders me from surrender (the fucking theme that ran my life for the past few years)
So this is a typical New year post, and what I've learned is that magic is real. But it's levels of complexity are too intertwined with nature to decipher it. I give up trying to make sense of it. But now I consciously accept that I need to ALLOW myself to surrender. And that's a hard fucking job.
But ONE issue that I need to immediately and consistently correct, is my consistency...and my Will. As much Will as I have for some things, other things just don't compare. I said I would update this weekly...I haven't. And now I'm beating myself up for it...but I shouldn't. Because it's elements of the changing process. You get what you give. And since I wasn't getting payouts, I guess I really put the value of my work on that.
Now I that I see, it was foolish to base my writing on the reactions of the outside world. I should be writing to excite myself, like I used to in high school. But for the most part, in high school life was full of fantasy and expectations of whimsy. But once you get in the real world, you see the level of the game is on a difficulty in tedious ways.
So what's the big deal??
Nothing really. Except that I've been actively sticking to a regiment! And even though steemit hasn't been apart of it, I'm attempting to make it more of a daily (weekly more likely) practice. Maybe posting story ideas just to get out my creativity, ugh so much that I should be doing. But let's discuss something serious...MAGIC.
There was a point in my life I didn't doubt shit and everything I desired manifested. And currently I feel it returning in a way, but this time my personal demons try and restrict my power flow. Well I'm the top level bitch and I won't allow that. For a few years I was trying to find myself and define my spirituality, but it's pretty clear that I'm eclectic and can switch accordingly.
However I participated in a ritual that served to reveal some interesting shifts in energy in my world. The next day felt different, my body felt slightly transformed. Motivation was higher and highly permeable to the point I could just wear the coat of my former self and walk the way I used to. While it's still a work in progress, understanding that magic can truly exist in your life in unexpected ways feels heavenly.
Surrendering to the flow of magic WAS harder for me than it is now. I'm learning to accept and release energy to interact with power that I've been missing in my life. Dreams have been easier to nail down and quite honestly I'm realizing these dreams are my other self working through the issues that I can't consciously deal with at the moment. But in order to fuel and give that other self power, I have to do work on this side of the dimension. My self-esteem has risen above the self-depreciating fuck I harbored for a few years. It still is there when I look in the mirror...slightly, but I can't do anything to change the "fact" I see. But I can change how I view myself, because once I succeed in that, I can stop being so critical of others on things I know they can't control (completely) themselves.
Now don't get me wrong...I'm still that bitch! I know the shadow more than I realized. And I'm accepting it's existence, because my shadow helps me see the darkness in others. But I've neglected the Love that I'm used to exuding and giving to others. My grandmother has been sick for some time and I know that transition is preparing itself before me. Seeing it happen breaks me every time. But instinctually I feel I'm preparing myself for the inevitable. It doesn't work in my plan (that plan I'm not sure about) but I have to accept REALITY for what it presents. But my strength in my magic and spirit will prove how much faith I truly have. Saturn loves to test. But...
I'm not going to drag this post out anymore than necessary. In fact this has been sitting in draft mode for about two weeks...but I'm posting it as is. Because, why the fuck not. Hopefully the grammar is okay. Belief in my self is all I truly desired. So that I could move through this crossroads without fear, expectation and ignorance. But I have to play the fool to achieve the answers to the mysteries I yearn to breathe.
-xoxoxo gossip girl
PS: This post is too much for even me smh. Better shit soon. I promise.