The issue I am looking for support on today is the feeling of 'rushed' I create within myself. Sometimes I wake up in the experience, while at other times, like today, I can feel it slowly creeping up within me until I can feel it within my entire body.
I took that sensation and held it within me as I drew my card today, and this is the card I drew:
THE MISER
Card Description:
"This woman has created a fortress around herself, and she is clinging to all the possessions she thinks are her treasures. In fact she has accumulated so much stuff with which to adorn herself--including the feathers and furs of living creatures--that she has made herself ugly in the effort. This card challenges us to look at what we are clinging to, and what we feel we possess that is so valuable it needs to be protected by a fortress. It needn't be a big bank balance or a box full of jewels--it could be something as simple as sharing our time with a friend, or taking the risk of expressing our love to another. Like a well that is sealed up and becomes stagnant from disuse, our treasures become tarnished and worthless if we refuse to share them. Whatever you're holding on to, remember that you can't take it with you. Loosen your grip and feel the freedom and expansiveness sharing can bring."
What I can take from this card and it's description is the concept of wanting to have something, and in an attempt to get it or create it, we end up gathering and accumulating something that causes the complete opposite effect of what we were intending.
My understanding here it that it is not about chasing something or 'getting' the thing we are seeking, but rather becoming it and integrating it as a part of Who We Are. So what am I attempting to 'get' or 'gain'?
For me, this is but one more element or dimension to the 'work' point I have been walking for several weeks now. I have opened up the 'avoidance' point, the 'time' point, the 'distraction' point, the 'confronting obstacles' point, the 'rage' point and the 'laziness point' in a video you can see HERE. All of these points acting like threads that have created one gigantic knot within me, which can only be undone by following one thread at a time. Now I will be looking at the 'rushed' point within the context of THE MISER.
So, to answer my question, what I am seeking to gain or get is a sense of satisfaction that I have done enough, accomplished enough this day. This feeling comes from having completed many things or tasks, and having complete them well. This, in and of itself, is not a problem or issue if I endeavor to work similar to how nature functions: slow and steady, never a rush, yet never wasting a moment.
I have been practicing this point of letting go of time, and instead giving myself the time to do things properly. It seemed counter-intuitive at the time, only to realize that I actually get more done when I let go of that time-pressure. The other internal experience I am having trouble letting go of is the 'rushed' feeling, where I feel I need to hang on to that in order to keep myself in line and move myself. It is as if I do not trust myself to let it go, for fear that I will just sit around all day an do nothing.
The thing is that the 'rushed' experience is uncomfortable, but I hang on to it like the miser, thinking and believing that without it, I will not get what I want. But, like the miser in the card, i realize that holding on to the experience is like a self-sabotage, because within holding on to it and experiencing that constant internal discomfort and my body's reaction to it (soreness, stiffness, lethargy), I find myself escaping in moments throughout the day, where i need to rest and take time off to settle myself.
Now, this too is not 'bad' or detrimental in and of itself, but it is the starting point within which I am doing it that needs to change. Instead of it being an escape from the internal experience I am creating, I can do it from a starting point of creating a balance in my day. Taking a moment to be with myself, re-connect with myself and my body instead of escaping myself and my body and spending that moment in distraction in my mind. It is all about the starting point.
So today, despite all my resistances and the fears coming up within me, I will practice a 'letting go'. In order to kick start this letting go by clearly identifying how I am actually creating it, i will use the tool of self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an internal energetic experience of 'rushed' within and as me by thinking about some of the bigger, more involved and time-consuming tasks I have on my agenda, and then imagining myself not getting it done or doing it poorly.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to live the self-trust that I can and will get the task done, because I have done it so many times before already, and I know very well I can do it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I don't get it done exactly perfectly and exactly on time, that I will feel terrible, because in the past I had accepted and allowed such reactions and have held on to them like a miser, thinking I will bring them up again if it happens again, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can let that pattern go, and create a new way of being where, if I mess up the task or it is late, I am instead gentle with myself, take the lesson and move on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that i have also in the past been gentle with myself upon my errors, taken the lesson and moved on, where I have changed the way I do things based on these lessons, proving to myself that I can learn and improve, but due to the miser within me, I still stubbornly hold on to the 'negative' and 'bad' experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed subtle undertones or 'rushed' or 'rushing' by not living in awareness of what I am subconsciously creating, not taking my actually reality into consideration, but rather clinging on to the past and therefore re-creating it here, in the present moment, which is actually a brand new fresh moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to taint my present moment by clinging on to experiences of the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my learning and self-development by re-hashing and clinging to my possessions of the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of feeling 'rushed', within the idea, thought, perception or belief that if i do not feel this way, I will not move, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that I will in fact move better, more efficiently, and create myself more in the moment if I simply allow the moment to be what it is, and move myself within it.
When and as I see that I am going into that 'rushed', 'rushing' experience, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to presence by reminding myself that I can trust myself to get it done, and there is no punishment waiting for me if I don't, I drop the feeling of rushed, and simply move, knowing that there is no punishment waiting for me at the end, and my goal is only to discover my best potential.
I commit myself let go and move in moments of accumulating 'rush'.
I commit myself to give myself a moment to breathe and slow down when and as I accept and allow myself to exist within and as 'rushed'.
Correction to live today: Curious.
Why? Because I have always had a curiosity within me where I find a fascination within things. This curiosity comes about when I am relaxed and fully engaged in the thing. I would like to take this curiosity and apply it towards myself and my process.
Cure-I-A-City
I cure my city.
My city being, the highways and by-ways, the inner building and bricks I have used to create myself which was not done in awareness or to my best benefit, where it feels like manyy different parts rushing in different directions, which creates a dis-ease within me. The 'Cure' to this dis-ease is within entering into this city and having a good look around, exploring each business, each individual building and all the personalities that populate this city, understand them and how they work, and offer a solution so that they instead begin to wok as one toward attaining my utmost potential.
How I will live this word today will be to observe myself within how I work and discover what comes up within me, but not to judge it, react to it or go into it, rather just observe it with an objective curiosity, see whether it is what is best, and if not, to then find a solution for it.
This is how I turn an internal city of many parts going this way and that, bustling and rushing each to their own end, causing me to want to go into a million different directions, creating dis-ease within me, and finding a 'cure' by creating a city of equality, where each piece has the same goal of working together to create the best whole.