My realization that there's something inherently beautiful about women began with two things - James Bond movies, and the DIY constructed bathtub in our bathroom made out of brick and mortar. Born and bred in a small town in Bihar, our family was into Hollywood movies, and I am talking a lot of James Bond here. This was the 80's, and we had a National VCR, which our family had bought from one Suleman, the local dealer who would smuggle the electronic items via the Indo-Nepal border. Watching all those James Bond movies, and specially the women of interest, and how scantily they dressed themselves in those movies, and how passionately they kissed James Bond, left an indelible impression on my mind. I would spend a long time inside the bathtub imitating the love scenes, and imagining that I was surrounded with those blonde women, sipping wine, and that all of them were drooling after me. I know what you are thinking. I was small then and it had not happened yet, and that is why I didn't know anything about masturbation yet. But I was totally into it, apart from the usual kiddy stuff, which in India back then also meant imitating our mythological superheroes aka Lord Rama, Lord Krishna and the likes
"You can call my bathtub act whatever, but I think back, rewind myself, and replay those moments back in my head. There >wasn't any sexuality in it compared to how I see things today. It was a lot of passion, steam in it, and I would only imagine >holding those blonde beauties in my arms and passionately kissing them."
And it never seemed to end. I didn't know anything about masturbation and hadn't got through the natural process of discovery yet. So there was always this insatiable appetite and hunger, until the natural process of discover did take place. We had gone to the theater to watch a Bollywood movie "Platform", and as most of the readers would know a Bollywood movie is nothing without songs. Platform, the movie that we went to watch had a very hot number where the actress (who was new and it was her first film) performed in a song, drenched in rain and only wearing a shirt, the wet shirt clinging to her body and showing every contour of her curves. YouTube still has that song and you will understand what I am talking about.
The Discovery of Pure Ecstacy
This was a mighty hit song, the movie became a hit just because of this number, and although embarrassed to watch this with my family, parents and aunts, and faking every bit of that embarrassment, I was consumed by a new form of energy. I got back home on a hot evening and headed straight to the bathroom for a nice cold bath. I don't what happened but inside the shower, I started imitating the moves of the song, imagining myself as the actress, and during one of the moves, I could feel that the pleasure reached a level where it felt just too good and I was ecstatic. It felt like I had never been happier than that moment in my life ever. I am writing this and getting goose bumps. It's been more than 28-29 years and I still remember how it happened and how I felt. Anyway the pleasure died down, and it wasn't until 2-3 days of involuntary repetition I realized that I was ejaculating.
India being what it was back in the 80's, and I coming from a small town where sex education at school is a taboo, you can never get unluckier if that's the situation in your home too. Word among the school friends was that this was a life threatening activity. One session of ejaculation cost you a glass of blood, and where you to exceed your daily quota you will die out of Anemia. So there was fear, and because some students made it out against our culture there was guilt too because you couldn't control it. You just had the desire, you had the temptation and you just did it. Things only normalized in high school and after that it was time to go to college.
Porn Begins
Leaving the small town and coming to the University of Delhi was a huge exposure. Internet wasn't in vogue yet, in fact large part of India didn't even know what internet was. I bought my first computer - a Compaq Presario and that is when my tryst with soft porn began. It all started with the desire to see someone with their bare breasts. And the more you looked, the more you got. It was actually okay for the first two years. I watched soft porn with beautiful music in the background, I didn't need my imagination anymore.
"I know you would say, get yourself a girl. But you are talking to a boy from a small town with his closed mind where having a >girl friend automatically meant commitment to marry, and god only knows what it meant if you were intimate and physical >with her. So you can say I chose the easy route although I did wish if I had one and I tried getting one on a Valentine's day >when I gave a rose to a damsel and a stranger passing by. Let me just say it didn't happen."
Slowly and gradually I moved to hardcore porn. The background music was gone and was replaced by the O yeah's and the moaning, and the screaming. The action was unreal and vigorous, and the time of it was unreal too. I mean how can someone carry on for that long.
As time passed I kept getting better and kept discovering more stuff. You could find it everywhere, the more you looked for it, >the more you got, and the more you did it. The more you got affected by it without even knowing that you were.
Fast Forward
I don't know how my sensory organs got transformed in the process. I discovered role play, different positions, and my fetish and desires had no end.
"Whatever I imagined, it was available in the porn version. Or was it the other way round?"
Whatever be the case, I was getting bolder and I could watch it and may be impersonate in my imagination that I was the porn male actor on the screen. I liked pulling the hair of my office secretary and engaging in a doggy style, making loud noise and most of the time punishing her for some work that she didn't do properly, or didn't finish, or imagining her as a slut, paying her price for getting that much needed promotion.
I also like engaging in an act with a real estate agent, a doctor, a nurse, a cop, friend's wife. There's no end to it. There's no parallel to it in the real life. And a lot of times I sit back and remember and try to figure out how I got here. That entire feeling, emotion, and passion when I was in my bathtub being James Bond as a kid, that is gone. The desire to love someone by being physically intimate with her is dead. All I can think of when I see a woman is how good I will spank her if she is my office assistant. Back as a kid, the ejaculation part was the most ecstatic, it was a moment of joy. Now it is a moment of victory, power, abuse, and I don't know if I derive any joy out of it. I guess I am slaving it. Abstinence from porn has become a challenge in itself. Because I carry porn everywhere with me on my smartphone.
"Bottom line is that I have become incapable of having normal sex!"
And I want to get back to from where I started. I want to lead a life having normal, pleasurable, lovable, joyous sex. I just don't know how to take it back yet.