Being in the world with others is, to say the least, complicated. Attempting intimacy in the form of relationships, friendships and partnerships is even more convoluted, messy and labyrinthine. It seems to be in relation with others is a never ending struggle of reconciling needs, expectations , desires and wants as well as making constant tweaks and adjustments for differences of perspective, social positioning and values. How and what do successful partnerships, friendships and relationships look like? As I pose this question to the void, I am struck by the speed I can all too readily find examples of failed and bitter associations that have dissolved over the years or to relationships that have just sagged and heaved over time through neglect, ambivalence and disinterest. So, where are these magical unicorns of successful and healthy relationships??
I once read a statement made by Carrie Fisher to describe her relationship with Paul Simon. It read like this:
"The bad thing about my relationship with Paul,” Fisher later said, “was that we were similar animals. Where there should be a flower and a gardener, we were two flowers. In the bright sun. Wilting."
There is a lot of truth to Fisher's statement. I also can't help but feel it's prophetic advice for future failed relationships. We all crave and want someone like us and someone who understands us but is too much similarity a fatal error to relationship survival? I am led to believe it most certainly is. Perhaps it is essential to find your tribe and partners in people who compliment you not merely mirror you.
To build on the gardening metaphor I would like to suggest that perhaps the best one can hope (in our relations with others )is for someone who wants a healthy garden to begin with. Both the gardener and the flower require the same thing in order to meet their goals and needs. This implies that all parties are aware of their role in helping that garden stay healthy and grow. There needs to be an established and practiced ethics of care towards the flower, the garden and the gardener equally. In extension, each role needs to acknowledged as different but measurably essential and important. As soon as we believe that one role is more fundamental than the other we create an imbalance and upset any type of symbiosis and impede sustained growth.
The ultimate goal, I believe, is symbiosis. Energy should be reciprocal and recycled between the entities in the eco-system of care. If one is continually tending the garden and never is given any joy, reaping of the bounty, or reward for their hard work, one begins to wonder if their effort is worthwhile. On the other hand, if the flower is not allowed to reach it's full potential and ultimate bloom it has failed to achieve its telos.
It's funny, as I sit here and think about Carrie Fisher's garden analogy, I can't help but recall her role as Princess Leia and an exchange that occurred between her and Hans Solo. Leia tells Hans "I love you." to which he replies , "I know." I wonder who was the flower and who was the gardener? Somehow I suspect Leia was the gardener. What do you think?? But maybe, more precisely, they just simply used and relied on the force? ;)
Thanks for Reading!
Kobie (AKA Existential Hippy)